Seen above getting her slappin’ hand ready for any Beyhivers who want to get the stingers slapped off of them by coming after her, Dionne Warwick told zero lies when she said that there are no new musical icons and not even Beyonce has reached that status yet. I should say that Dionne wasn’t totally telling the truth when she said that a musical artiste of today has yet to be crowned an icon for the ages. I mean, has Cousin Dionne’s ears felt the sweet humping of Jan Terri yet?
During Angelica Huston’s wild ride of a messy interview with Vulture, she showed love for Woody Allen and Roman Polanski, but showed no love for Diane Keaton’s choice of doing movies like Poms. You would think that Angelica would have nothing but undying support for her Sister In Supporting Woody. Not to mention, that starring roles for older ladies are few and far between and the good ones are usually snatched up by fucking Meryl Streep. But Angelica looked down at Poms for being humiliating trash. Angelica can say that, because we all know that she’s a serious thespian who only chooses multi-layered roles in culturally significant cinematic masterpieces like Material Girls and Daddy Day Care.
Diane Keaton hasn’t said anything about Angelica Huston dropping a snobby fart on Poms, but she doesn’t have to since her co-star Jacki Weaver has got this. AND HOW! Jacki responded and left a baldheaded Angelica running to the wig store by scalping her while cheering, “Can I get an F? Can I get a U? What’s that spell?!”
The Crown people need to stop whatever they’re doing and immediately start shooting the current day royal years, because I really want to sit back with a cup of gin on the rocks (in honor of THE QUEEN) and get into the 100% factual scene where Meghan Markle (played by Duchess Meghan) and THE QUEEN (played by Imelda Staunton in older lady drag) tussle over a tiara as a Corgi bites at Meghan’s ankle and Prince Philip referees.
The New York Times of England known as The Sun says that THE QUEEN had to tell Prince Hot Ginge to check his ho (those are the exact words THE QUEEN used) when Meghan got mad about not being able to wear her first choice for a tiara on her wedding day. Who knew that Samantha Markle was the new editor-in-chief of The Sun? Congrats on getting an actual job, Sammy!
The list of celebrities whose houses have been broken into is long and gets longer with each passing day. Just in the past couple of months, Christina Milian, Chrissy Metz, Yasiel Puig, Rihanna, and Brandi Glanville have all been hit up. Many of them were hit up by a teenage bling ring. In Hollywood, even the criminal rings get rebooted. Most of those robberies ended with the famous type losing lots of expensive shit, but on Saturday night, the only thing the criminal left with was an almost heart attack from fucking with Mr. Feeny! 91-year-old William Daniels, who played Mr. Feeny in Boy Meets World, Dr. Mark Craig in St. Elsewhere, Dustin Hoffman’s dad in The Graduate, and the voice of KITT in Knight Rider, scared off an intruder who was trying to get into his house.
If the thought of Mr. Feeny loosening his tie and pushing up his blazer sleeves to punch an evil thief in the throat has made your day and you want to keep it that way, stop reading and believe what you want to believe. But if you want to read the not-as-exciting truth of what happened, keep on.
What you are looking at is a picture taken during the Wacken Open Air metal festival in Germany. What you don’t see is the two elderly German metalheads who broke away from their nursing home and went to Wacken to party as hard as their old bones could handle. The two Costco-brawling seniors could really learn a lesson in friendship from these two German seniors. Why fight over something as inconsequential as cheese samples when you could instead team up for an epic adventure of daring escape and Danzig?
Finally, a story that will lift your soul high and carry you into Saturday night on a cloud of YAASSSSSS.
TMZ says that living legend Patti LaBelle was performing in Vancouver last night, and she invited a few fans on stage to bump and grind during “Lady Marmalade.” Sadly, Patti’s security team didn’t exactly screen said fans well enough, because Patti found herself face to face with an aspiring stripper. Patti has professionalism pumping through her veins, so instead of throwing a handful of crumpled up $1 bills at him, she stopped her band, hissed “Don’t you dare“, and laid into his ass. She also came for Nicki Minaj’s ass and Miley Cyrus’ barely-there ass. Patti came for everybody, because Patti LaBelle is NOT here for anybody’s trashy hobag stripper antics!
“Or that little…um…Miley….” Well??? That little what? Hussy? It was totally hussy, wasn’t it Patti?
I absolutely loved it when that dude pretended to flash his ass at Patti and she hollered “Get off of my god-darned stage, BITCH!” It’s like she knew she was in Canada, so she tried to keep it polite by saying “darned“, but then her heart stepped in and reminded her that Patti LaBelle keeps it real, thus giving us that epic “BITCH” at the end.
The only thing I don’t get is Patti’s comment about stripper dude being brought to her by The Devil (at least that’s what I got from it). Is she trying to say that Hell is filled with strippers who bust it out to “Lady Marmalade“? Patti, I don’t know – that sounds more like Heaven to me.