And Now In Hacked Sony Emails News, Bad Reviews Of “The Monuments Men” Made George Clooney Sad

More hacked Sony emails have been released, and while they don’t get much juicier than Scott Rudin calling Dame St. Angie a “minimally-talented spoiled brat” (I wonder what he calls her off the record? My money is on “Jon Voight’s dumb vampire-looking daughter“), they do reveal that Amal Clooney’s actor husband George was a sad panda after he read all the bad reviews of his film The Monuments Men. According to Page Six, one of the recent leaks was an email George sent to Amy Pascal with the subject line “It’s getting worse“. In it, he cries to Amy that the reviews for the film he wrote, produced, directed, and starred in were so bad, he was losing precious beauty sleep:

“I need some protection from all the reviews. Let’s just make it a hit. I haven’t slept in 30 hours. And it’s 7 am.”

I hope the second Amy got that email, she rushed over to his house with a Costco-sized tub of chocolate peanut butter ice cream and a DVD copy of One Fine Day to cheer him up. Poor Georgie – some people didn’t like his movie! I think that’s the rich celebrity equivalent of not being asked to the prom. Amy did email George back, explaining that would “get revenge” by making money off the film, and George responded in true George Clooney style:

“I adore you Amy. You are literally the only person running a studio that loves film. I fear I’ve let you all down. Not my intention. I apologize. I’ve just lost touch… Who knew? Sorry. I won’t do it again.”

Damn, I think I just fell in love with George Clooney (“ONE OF US! ONE OF US!” chanted the C’loonies). Listen to George, trying to charm the pants off Amy Pascal. Unfortunately, not everyone is as good at kissing Amy’s ass; those leaked emails also revealed that there’s a certain bony booty hunter who has a reputation for being a thoughtless asshole. That’s right! Joining Dame St. Angie on the Sony Shit List is Leonardo DiCaprio.

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The Hell Kind Of Weed Are These Kids Smoking?

Alternate headline: The Hell Kind Of Weed Is The New York Times Smoking? Because The New York Times’ T Magazine (via Jezebel) interviewed 16-year-old Jaden Smith and his 14-year-old sister Willow Smith for some reason. They all got to talking about time, babies, Prana energy and I don’t really know what else because my brain turned inside out halfway into their interview. I felt like I needed an experienced and gentle peyote guide to get me through that interview.

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CPS Says Everything’s Cool At The Smith House After Investigating Those Pictures Of Willow In Bed With A 20-Year-Old

Praise Xenu (but keep it on the down-low), kewl mom and dad Will Smith and Jada Pinkett-Smith are in the clear! Last month, CPS came a-knocking at the Pinkett-Smith house after some maybe-not-wrong-but-definitely-not-right pictures emerged on the internet of 13-year-old Willow Smith laying on a bed with the 20-year-old bastard child of Max and Anne from Guess Who?, Moisés Arias. And after much deliberation (aka the appearance of a mysterious $50,000 cheque from Thetans Credit Union) Radar says that CPS has packed up their magnifying glasses and stopped snooping around Casa del DoWhateverTheFuckYouWant, because they didn’t find anything:

A source told us that after investigators examined the case and spoke with those involved, they discovered “no evidence presented that Willow has ever been in any danger around Moises, or that she has ever been physically or emotionally abused,” adding they found Willow to be “a very well adjusted, smart, and articulate young lady.”

The source also went on to say that no action has been taken against Will and Jada, except they were warned to keep an eye on their kids social media so that this shit doesn’t happen again. Hahahaha – “Keep an eye on their kids.” Good one CPS! And no word on whether or not CPS will return to investigate those not-right pictures of a constipated-looking Jaden Smith being straddled by Marla Hooch, but I’m guessing they won’t, since it’s pretty obvious from the pictures that all Backup Khloe was after was attention.

Well, there you have it – nothing sucio happened between Willow Smith and human monchichi Moisés Arias, case closed. CPS can finally return to the office after their four-week investigation at the Smiths, and start tackling the 8,000 frantic voicemails left by the fetuses growing inside Kate Major and Tila Tequila.

CPS Is Investigating The Pinkett-Smith Family Regarding That Picture Of Willow In Bed With A 20-Year-Old

After THOSE PICTURES of a 13-year-old Willow Smith hanging out on a bed with a shirtless 20-year-old Moises Arias turned everyone on the internet into Helen Lovejoys and commanding Will Smith and Jada Pinkett Smith to puhLEEEASE think of the children and start keeping tabs on theirs, it was really only a matter of time before someone at CPS put down their folder on the Jenner girls (“Forget it Lou, they’re too stupid to put back to school”) and realized that the Smith children might need a visit. According to Radar, the Los Angeles Department of Children & Family Services have opened an investigation to see just what’s going on over at Casa del Kewl Parentz:

“The investigation was formally opened last week and is being taken very seriously by the department,” an insider told Radar. “Will and Jada Pinkett Smith have been extremely cooperative with officials. Of course, they aren’t happy that their parenting skills are under scrutiny, but they understand.”

The source revealed, “Social workers will also be talking separately with Willow, and they also want to talk to the young man in the picture with her as well. This won’t just be one or two visits with the family, and it will likely be an open investigation for at least a month, out of an abundance of caution.”

Normally I’d be the first person to tell CPS to calm the fuck down and get back to investigating important shit, like moms who pack jelly bean sandwiches and Skoal in their kid’s lunch or rich toddlers who keep getting arrested for hoodrat stuff, but someone needs to find out if any goddamn parenting is happening at that house. Willow and Jaden Smith are like Dickensian orphans; their parents are never around and the only authority figures are shirtless weirdos, they don’t go to school but they also don’t work, they play with trash. They just sort of spend their days hanging around and looking like futuristic street urchins, like The Rich Kid Oliver Twists of Instagram. “Haven’t seen me mum n’ dad in nearly a fortnight I ‘ave! Hey Govnah, trade you me favorite clip-on nose ring for a ride to the mall?”

Will Smith And Jada Pinkett Smith Don’t Care That Their 13-Year-Old Daughter Posed On A Bed With A Shirtless 20-year-Old

A strange thing happened on the Internet yesterday, creepy pictures made their way onto Instagram and Uncle Terry wasn’t involved for once! 13-year-old living glow stick Willow Smith posted ~moody arty~ pictures on her Instagram of her hanging out on a bed with 20-year-old garden gnome turned actor Moises Arias who was Rico in Hannah Montana. The pictures went everywhere, hos lost their minds and the Guinness World Record was set for the most times ChrisHansenWhyDontYouHaveASeat.GIF was used as a comment on the same damn subject.

The picture was posted on Moises’ Tumblr last month, but since nobody is checking for Moises’ Tumblr, the pictures went under the radar and didn’t cause an ESCANDALO until yesterday when Willow Smith decided that she really wanted to trend on Twitter and posted the pics to Instagram. Bitches freaked out, some called Moises the straight Bryan Singer-in-training, others called Willow Smith a lil slut and some told Will Smith and Jada Pinkett Smith to come and get their child. But everybody who has read Will and Jada’s deep thoughts on parenting know that they pretty much subscribe to the Scientology way and will let their child go wherever the wind takes them even if the wind takes them to a bed with a shirtless 20-year-old in it.

A source tells TMZ that when Will and Jada saw these pictures, they temporarily took their mouths off of their separate side pieces’ butts and let out a “meh” before going back to eating ass. Will and Jada believe that Willow is very “mature” for her age and they trust her to make her own decisions. A different source tells Gossip Cop that Moises has been a Smith family friend forever and he considers 15-year-old Jaden Smith and Willow his little brother and sister. Apparently, Moises’ brother is the one who took the pictures.

I judge the shit out of any 20-year-old who hangs out with a 13-year-old and a 15-year-old, because humans between the ages of 12 and 15 are the most annoying creatures on the planet and you have to be jacked up in the head to want to hang out with one by choice. Parents get a pass, because they have no choice and for some strange reason sending your 12-year-old to an island until they’re 16 is against the law. But in Moises’ defense, nobody flipped out or cared when he worked for the Malfoy family and befriended little Harry Potter. Nobody cared when he was little Harry Potter’s friend, but they suddenly care that he’s Willow Smith’s friend? Maybe he’s protecting her from Bellatrix Lestrange the same way he protected Harry Potter from Bellatrix Lestrange? Did anyone think of that?

Dior Hates Jennifer Lawrence

The heads of Dior must all feel a fiery hate in their charcoal hearts for Jennifer Lawrence and deep in their offices is a locked room where the walls are covered with pictures of her Xed out face and the floor is covered with their intricate plan to take her down. Their anus lips are probably still chapped from Jennifer Lawrence getting the lead role in that Hunger Games shit over one of their faves. They obviously wanted that Kaya Scodelario chick to play Katniss and now they’re punishing Jennifer Lawrence by hiring her as the face of Dior so they can make her wear jacked-up shit like this. Everything is going according to plan.

At last night’s L.A. premiere of The Hunger Games: Catching Fire (which is what I wish happened to that dress before she put it on), Jennifer Lawrence wore some dress that I’d like to sit under if the mosquitos took over the world and vowed to eat us all alive. Bitch looks like she was getting drunk by the pool and when she tried to run into the house for a white wine spritzer refill, she crashed through the screen door. While she was on the floor, her assistant ran up, told her she was late for the premiere, belted the screen door around her bathing suit and called it a look!

And an impossible thing just happened. Joan Rivers found a way to move her stretched rubber face into a look of glee, because she can’t wait to talk shit about her arch rival’s fug dress thing on Fashion Police.

Here’s more from last night’s premiere including some of Jaden and Willow Smith dressed like a new age lesbian couple from a planet far away and Jena Malone pairing The Slut Dress: Sparkly Holiday Edition with some Sharpie Groucho Marx brows.

Pics: Wenn.com, Splash