Kim Zolciak, the mutated polyester blond wig from Real Housewives of Atlanta and Tardy For The Party, is currently getting a lot of her favorite thing (after silicone shots to the lips, of course): attention! The garage sale Barbie styling head who was brought to life by Lucifer to terrorize us all tweeted at Chrissy Teigen last night about getting tickets to a John Legend show for her 4-year-old son Kash. Kim must be a Pimp Mama Kris-in-training because she “jokingly” tried to pimp out her 20-year-old clone daughter, Brielle Biermann, for those tickets.
Kris Jenner is the patron saint of bad mothers. She is so bad, that Dina Lohan probably lets out a wet burp while watching Keeping Up With The Kardashians before turning to her kids and yelling “At least I ain’t that bitch!”.
Now the rest of the world is finally ready to chuck Pimp Mama Kris and her stable of famewhores into the nearest dumpster next to the used condoms where they belong, because ratings for the show have been rapidly declining. It also doesn’t help that the romance between her son, Rob Kardashian, and the always elegant former Twerk Consultant, Blac Chyna, is on life support. What’s a pimp to do? Well, she’s decided to toss a couple dollars at Blac Chyna to make her stay with Rob! And since Chyna is used to having money thrown at her, it’s a totally acceptable and reasonable proposition.
“Dayum, dem titties look like Riccardo’s ass cheeks covered in glitter” is what future second-time dad Kanye West is thinking in that picture. Probably.
On a preview that aired after the mid-season finale of Krapping Up the Kartrashians, Kim Kartrashian lets it be known that North West is going to have a little brother or sister that Kanye West and she will probably name South West or Key West. But they really should name the kid Harpo West. I mean, every time Kim will come to collect her kids for a good old-fashioned photo-op strut on the stroll, North West will say to her brother or sister: “Harpo, who dis woman?”
After all the IVF treatments and shit, Kummy Kakes announced that she’s got a womb full of another baby that will only wear black, white and beige and will have to dodge Pimp Mama Kris as she tries to suck their young blood from their veins. via E! News
The clip shows Kim hearing the exciting news during a doctor’s appointment shortly before spilling the beans to Khloé Kardashian.
“I just got the blood test back, and I am pregnant!” Kim—who’s beaming ear-to-ear—exclaims to her stunned sister.
That’s your cue to brace your eyeballs for picture after picture of a pregnant Kim looking like a sausage exploding in slow motion and her hooves looking like suffocating ham hocks in distress:
Also, Kim tweeted this about the moment in tonight’s episode where she, North, Kylie and Khlozilla get in a kar accident in Montana:
If u only saw Northie's reaction! As a mom I got protective and left that scary moment out of the episode for her privacy
— Kim Kardashian West (@KimKardashian) June 1, 2015
“For her privacy”? “AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA,” laughed Pimp Mama Kris before saying, “Kim, you’re kidding right, because we signed a contract with Satan and promised we’d pimp out our own at any cost. Just say you’re kidding.”
“You goddamn right ‘Pimp Mama’ is already trademarked, buuuuurp,” said White Oprah while drunkenly lying on the bathroom floor of a Long Island T.G.I Fridays where she went after that shitty Philippe restaurant failed to recognize her as the bright shining celebrity she thinks she is.
Seen above seconds before a bird mistook her rubber lips for bloated earthworms in distress and tried to snatch them off of her face, Pimp Mama Kris is trying to trademark the term “momager” because she would. TMZ says that the dick nose-having minion from hell has filed legal papers for the right to own the name “momager” when it comes to all things entertainment. She already has the trademark for “momager” for use in her reality shit show and personal management services. It looks like trademarking is PMK’s newest scheme. Her youngest ATMs, Kendull Jenner and chemtrail expert and future TED speaker Kylie Jenner, are also trying to trademark their first names. Insert KylieMinogueThrowingASideEye.jpg here.
I don’t screw with Ouija boards, but if you do, please summon the ghost of Mama Rose so she can ghost slap the hell out of PMK for thinking she’s the first and biggest momager ever. Mama Rose was a momager long before Lucifer created PMK.
It begins. Expect PMK to trademark everything. She’s going to trademark Pimpager, Shameless Pimp, Whore Wrangler, Pimp Mama Kris, Big Kunt, THIS BITCH, Plastic Leech On Humanity’s Right Ass Lip, etc… etc… We’ll just have to call her Evil Succubus From The Ninth Circle until she eventually trademarks that.
And here’s The Slow One and The Slow One’s man celebrating his birthday by getting paid to host some club night in Las Vegas over the weekend.
I see that Pimp Mama Kris came up with a new storyline for her reality shit show.
When Pimp Mama Kris filed for divorce from the face of Lana Del Rey’s future known as Bruce Jenner, I expected him to pack up his Kit N Caboodle, slide into his convertible, check his lip gloss situation in the rearview mirror, put on his orange aviators, blast Journey’s “Don’t Stop Believin’,” hit the gas and never ever look back. But that didn’t happen, because it looks like Pimp Mama Kris still has her devil claws wrapped around his strawberry shampoo-scented mane of luscious glamour.
Both TMZ and People threw up posts today claiming that Bruce is pressing his pool noodle lips onto the face of PMK’s best friend and former assistant Ronda Kamihira. A sores (typo and it stays) tells TMZ that Ronda is a 51-year-old divorced mother of 2 and she’s been friends with the Jenners for years and years. Ronda lives in the same neighborhood as Bruce and PMK and the two families have gone on vacation and spent holidays together. The “source” also says that Ronda is the Taylor Swift to PMK’s Karlie Kloss, because she’s been Single White Female-ing PMK. Family members say that it seems like Ronda wants to become PMK. Let me guess, the source (Hi, PMK) also went on to say, “But really, who can blame Ronda? Kris Jenner is thee most naturally beautiful, sexy, intelligent and caring women in the world. I think it’s weird that every woman isn’t try to be her! Not now, Satan. Now now. I’m on the phone with TMZ. I’ll give you a sacrifice later.”
People’s source says that PMK is “devastated “and can’t believe that her friend of 20 years and her ex-husband would betray her like this.
There are not enough Bitch, Pleases in the world for me to properly react to this story. This is probably another fake storyline cooked up by PMK. The only way PMK would be genuinely devastated and heartbroken about something is if someone burned a $100 bill in front of her. If her house caught on fire when she wasn’t home, the first think she’d ask after finding out is, “Did my safe full of money make it out okay?” In fact, that’s probably how the producers of Keeping Up with the Kardashians are going to bring the raw emotion out of PMK while shooting the scene where she finds out that Bruce is dating her friend. A producer is going to hold a gun to a stack of hundreds in front of her and the tears are just going to pore out of PMK’s pulled face. She’s going to win a special Emmy for that performance.
E! says that TMZ and People are wrong and Bruce and Ronda are just friends. I hope E! is right, because Bruce needs to get away from PMK and dating her friend is not getting away from her. Bruce should run off and become a counselor at Camp Camellia or something.
Pics: Pacific Coast News
Not pictured: North West’s mother (read: the nanny) standing to the side and showing her a picture of Pimp Mama Kim and Pimp Daddy Kanye to bring that confused “Who’s that?” pout out of her.
Last month, Kanye Kardashian (née West) mouth farted out this shit dingle of lies during one of his rants:
“I want my daughter to have that opportunity to decide whether she wants to be famous or not. I think to myself, what the fuck am I going to do, how can I change it and how can I give my daughter her childhood?”
And here’s his daughter being pimped out while wearing Chanel in a picture shot by Michael Avedon, Richard Avedon’s grandson, for CR Fashion Book. It’s the nepotism issue! And Kunty Karl is so right. It’s never too early to care about fashion and I’m sure North West is showing she cares by taking a Chanel logo-shaped dump in her Chanel diaper.
via The Telegraph