Category: Ted Cruz
Big Bird Got The COVID-19 Vaccine And It Pissed Off Ted Cruz
Over the weekend Big Bird got the COVID-19 vaccine! He immediately tweeted that shit (he is a bird, after all), writing, “My wing is feeling a little sore, but it’ll give my body an extra protective boost that keeps me and other healthy.” Before he got the jab, Big Bird participated in a CNN Town Hall for Families to help answer questions from kids about the vaccine, which was recently authorized for American children ages 5-11.
Awww, good for Big Bird… would be any reasonable, well-intentioned person’s response. But “reasonable” and “well-intentioned” are not adjectives to describe Texas Senator Ted Cruz. He tweeted, “Government propaganda… for your 5 year old!” and a slew of other hardcore right-wing trolls did the same. Hmmm… Big Bird is technically only 6-years-old, so I don’t think he’s old enough to identify as right or left-wing. He uses both wings equally!
Ted Cruz Tried To Burn Patton Oswalt On Twitter Over COVID Safety Measures At Live Shows
Ted Cruz, a junior Senator for Texas, decided to make the extremely stupid choice to attempt to insult professional comedian Patton Oswalt. It all started last week when Patton announced on Instagram that he’d be requiring proof of vaccination or a recent negative COVID test for attendees of his upcoming stand-up tour, Patton Oswalt Live: Who’s Ready To Laugh. Patton explained that while most of the venues agreed to go along with his plan, four venues refused: three in Florida (of course) and one in Salt Lake City. So Patton pulled those dates, explaining that, “my ego is not big enough to think that people should die to hear my stupid comedy.”
The conservative news outlet, The Blaze, tweeted a link to their article covering Patton’s canceled shows, and this is when Ted Cruz entered the chat. He retweeted the piece and added the savage burn, “Both of his fans were disappointed.” WHOA. Shots. Fired. How the hell was Patton gonna top that? The answer was: rather effortlessly.
Texans Beyoncé And Kacey Musgraves Helped With Disaster Relief While Ted Cruz Was Headed To Cancun
As the state of Texas has been struggling under extreme weather conditions and a failing power grid, proud Texan Beyoncé has been shipping warm winter clothing for those in need. Just yesterday, Reese Witherspoon posted a picture of an “Icy Park” drop she got from Beyoncé which included a metallic, copper-look puffer coat from Ivy Park x Adidas’s new winter line. But because Beyoncé isn’t 2021’s most colossal asshole, her BeyGood foundation is also helping Texans with disaster relief. Obviously, 2021’s most colossal asshole (to date) is Ted Cruz who thought it would be a good idea to abandon his constituents in the midst of one of the worst natural and man-made disasters in the state’s history to jet off to the Ritz-Carlton resort in Cancun only to turn right around and blame the ill-advised trip on his kids. And unfortunately for Ted, while they are verifiable disasters of epic proportions, his life, career, wardrobe, haircut, beard, and face don’t qualify for BeyRelief.
Ted Cruz Talked About “That Like,” Porn And Sex Toys On CNN
Earlier this week the internet went nuts when a video of some people fucking got liked on Twitter by none other than scrunchy perv-faced senator Ted Cruz. Of course, he immediately launched into “Oh Hell No!” mode by denying that he was the one who liked it and blamed a member of his staff (which would be a hot title for a political porno. Perhaps he can direct). You’d think that this is where the drama would die, but CNN had other plans.
Look Who Got Busted For Liking A Porn Video On Twitter
Well well well, what do we have here? A family-values politician who might have accidentally outed himself as a porn hound. You know, I always got the feeling Senator Ted Cruz was a bumbling doofus. But little did I know he was the type of doofus who could absolutely screw up a late-night online porn search. Congratulations, Ted – you succeeded at something! What? Being an idiot is technically something.
Church Lady Came Back To SNL To Drag Ted Cruz
Everyone’s favorite sanctimonious chat show host was back on Saturday Night Live last night to get down to business with the Republican candidates. Dana Carvey‘s Church Lady made a comeback during the open and she took Taram Killam‘s Ted Cruz and Darrell Hammond‘s Donald Trump to, well, church. And, funny enough, Church Chat is just about as legitimate as any of the shows on Fox News, CNN and MSNBC, so this felt pretty informative!
Pic: NBC