Sources Say Taylor Swift Was Just “Letting Off Steam” With Matty Healy And “Will Not Be Writing Albums About This One”
Welp, as predicted by anyone with reason and/or a marketing degree, Taylor Swift and her rebound beau, Matty Healy from The 1975, have reportedly broken up. This movie isn’t that shucking since Taylor was roasted for sullying her pristine reputation by dating the edgiest of edgy edgelords. The dick couldn’t have been that good–there was no way. And it sure doesn’t seem to have been because not only is Taylor cutting ties, sources are publicly tossing Matty to the wolves and washing their hands of him. They said Taylor was just letting “off some steam” and sewing her “oats.” Well, it’s nice that Taylor got to feel the excitement of dating a racist dude for a hot minute, I guess…
Taylor Swift’s Eras Tour has been a magical, religious experience for many of her obsessive fans, but some of the shows haven’t been without their hiccups. A few weeks ago, a trap door Taylor was supposed to dive into didn’t open on time. And Last night during her Chicago show, she had two viral moments when her faulty mic wouldn’t work, AND she choked and sputtered after swallowing a bug. But one repulsive thing Taylor won’t have in her mouth anymore? “Fucking slack-jawed fuckwit” Matty Healy! Because Taylor and Matty (Tatty?) have reportedly called it quits.
It’s true what they say: once you start dating Taylor Swift, you’re guaranteed press for anything you do! Embarking on her bad girl era, Taylor is dating Matty Healy, the lead singer of The 1975 and Azealia Banks’s new nemesis. The two have been hot (holding hands) and heavy (smooching in pubic), which has truly riled up the Swifties. It’s a dream come true: Matty gets his press, and Taylor gets to explore a cool new side for the inevitable album. Matty is so happy that he’s just kissing anyone he can get his hands on.
Azealia Banks is back at it, but by “it” I don’t mean sacrificing chickens as part of her religion, so Sia can chill out. I mean getting on the Internet and giving some very in-depth, pretty mean, and possibly-but-probably-not well-intentioned unsolicited advice. This time it is Taylor Swift who is on the receiving end of the advice, and the one catching Azealia’s barbs is Taylor’s newest boyfriend, The 1975 singer Matty Healy. Azealia warns Taylor that Matty will give her “scabies” and that he is a “full incel” who does not deserve to “climb the rich white coochie mountain.” I mean… she made some points! Points were made!
As expected, the Garth Brooks of pop Taylor Swift released her 846th version of her seventh-month-old album Midnights (okay, it was her fifth version… and counting). Initially, it was sold EXCLUSIVELY in CD form at her Eras show in New Jersey last night. But she later released the version, The Late Night Edition, in digital format in her webstore. That edition features a new song called You’re Losing Me, where she sings, “I wouldn’t marry me either/A pathological people pleaser/ Who only wanted you to see her.” So basically, everyone’s thinking that Taylor and Joe Alwyn broke up after six years together because he didn’t want to marry her. And to Swifties, those lyrics are a battle cry, and they’re pulling out their weapons (aka emojis) as they get ready to ATTACK!
“Subtle” was redefined yesterday when Taylor Swift burped up the news that she’s releasing new versions of two songs from her album Midnights. TayTay announced that she and Lana Del Rey recorded a new version of their song Snow on the Beach and that she and IT rapper of the moment, Ice Spice, did a remix of her song Karma. Many have stamped the latter collab with the words “DAMAGE CONTROL” since TayTay’s current poo (typo and it stays), Matty Healy, laughed at racist comments about Ice Spice on a podcast. And while some Swifties have once again defended their savior over this, others are adding this damage control jewel to TayTay’s Queen of Performative Acts crown.