Kristen Stewart Was Her Usual Gracious And Welcoming Self At The ‘American Ultra’ Premiere

Tami Taylor’s like I’m just going to keep smiling and being beautiful and get away from her sullen ass as quickly as possible. That headline is a fallacy. Kristen Stewart actually SMILES in some of these pics. I think dating a woman (GOOGLE IT) has brought something out in her. Vagina is uplifting, soothing, and centering. Or so I’ve heard.

Here’s a mass of pics from the American Ultra premiere last night at the Ace Theater in LA. Jesse Eisenberg plays a government killing machine who’s been brainwashed to believe he’s a stoner convenience store clerk. The Funyons fly when he snaps out of it. KStew plays his girl. That must have been a fun set for co-star Connie Britton. Neither of those leads seem like the kind of people with whom you can joke around. Eisenberg seems like he’d be constantly concerned about his wig placement and always on the phone with his therapist.

You’ll also note that Stewart’s OTHER dude from Twilight, Taylor Lautner, was there. The male TayTay is looking slightly less pristine than usual. It’s possible he’s experiencing career misery. His next role is in Adam Sandler’s next pile of shit. That’s the movie that’s still in the production stages and has already offended Native Americans and Rose McGowan. That sort of gig probably sucks the Sean Cody right out of a guy’s look.

Check out the gallery below for more pics of Kristen and Connie Britton, as well as pics of Eisenberg, Lautner, Ashley Hinshaw, Topher Grace, someone named Johnny Deluca who I only included because he’s kind of cute and I’m shallow, Jason Ritter, John Leguizamo (and his kids), Rachel Roy, Tony Hale, Max Landis (who is obviously feeling ignored because he’s the screenwriter), and Into The Woods actor Billy Magnussen who is normally smokin’ hot but here looks like he’s done too much nitrous.

Pics: FayesVision/WENN.com

The Other Tay Tay Resurfaces At A Gay Bar In West Hollywood

While trolling Netflix for some shit to waste my time on the other night, my eyes landed on that shitastic Abduction movie starring the wooden wolf twink Taylor Lautner and I wondered what happened to him. It feels like it’s been years since I’ve seen staged pictures of him with the likes of Taylor Swift and Phil Collins’ daughter. Well, Taylor popped on the Internet this weekend when Andrew Christian underwear model Murray Swanby Instagrammed (via Towleroad) a picture that was taken on Thursday night at The Abbey, the straightest gay bar in West Hollywood. On Thursday night, both of the Taylors were getting themselves a piece of a panty model.

If you’re thinking that this is Taylor’s way of sticking his head out of the closet to wink at all those blind items about him, think again. Murray Swanby killed all those Taylor Lautner gay rumors for once and for all with these hashtags.

Ugh @official_taylorlautner #taylorlautner.. I’ve never been more #attracted to someone in my life.. #husbands??! Hahaha half kidding #hotstraightguy #twilight #hotguys #feck #TouchThursdays

Those hashtags didn’t go far enough, honestly. Murray Swanby should’ve gone all the way by throwing up these hashtags: #hotstraightguyswhojustLOVEcoochie #TaylorHeartsSnatch #TaylorDidnTouchMeOnThursdayCuzHeIsStrictlyClitly.

Taylor Lautner And Patrick Schwarzenegger Left A Party Together…

Isn’t that how most twink porn fanfictions start….

Two members of the Exes of Taylor Swift Club left a pre-Oscar party in Brentwood last night and I’m sure they were just going somewhere quiet to spill the tea about Taylor Swift into each other’s ears. Taylor Lautner, who’s looking buffer than Madonna’s clit, showed up to the party by himself and afterward, his friend Patrick Schwarzenegger jumped into his Fisker and the two drove off. I am really disappointed in myself for not typing “Fister” instead of “Fisker.” My talent at making typos has failed me.

And to answer the question in your head, I think they flip flop.

The Best Part of Twatlight’s Final Promo Tour

Here’s a completely fake wolf who has the personality of Ashley Greene, the natural presence of Kristen Stewart, the same scent as Robert Pattinson’s pits and a coat that is as luscious as the coat on Taylor Lautner’s ass cheeks (I’m guessing). Tonight in Berlin was the last premiere of Twatlight: Breaking Hymen – Part Two and it seemed fitting to end this living nightmare with a picture of a wolf that makes the same face I make when I accidentally come across one of those movies while flipping through basic cable.

It’s finally over! (Well, it’s over until they reboot this shit in 2 years and the world has to relive this all over again. It’ll be like having the worst hangover and a serious case of diarrhea on Groundhog’s Day.) KStew can celebrate by finding her a married German director to rub her box. RPattz can celebrate by openly laughing at the dumb Twihards for making him the richest unicorn herder on the planet, not that he’s already been doing that all along (exhibit: A). And Taylor Lautner can celebrate by finally posing for his own “Yup, I Like Dick!” cover of People.

And everyone in or around Bolivar, Missouri who was planning to see this mess this weekend should be thankful to the woman who called the cops and told them about her son’s plan to shoot up a theater showing Breaking Dawn. They should punish his crazy ass by forcing him to watch every Twilight movie on a loop until he convulses and turns into a Twihard.

I’m Sensing A Theme….

I lied. I thought the Hollywood premiere of Twatlight: Breaking Hymen – Number Two was going to be the last one, but I was wrong. Our international nightmare continues and it has spread to the UK. Kristen Stewart, Robert Pattinson and Taylor Lautner were all in London tonight to make the British Twihards scream until their cherries popped out of their mouths.

But you know, just like the American Twihards, the British ones have disappointed me. This is the last time they can bring the crazy hard and they’re not. They should be getting pregnant from the excitement before giving birth to a sticky toffee panty pudding baby right there on the red carpet. Instead, they’re just like “eh” in the face. They look like KStew while getting her box munched in a Mini Cooper. What does it say when even the hardcore crazies are tired of being crazy? Where was Nutty Madam when they needed her most? She could’ve inspired them to lose whatever is left of their minds right there on the ground. Whatever… At least Kristen Stewart came to party. KStew really wanted us to see her ass cakes at the Hollywood premiere and she kept that theme going at the London premiere. Butt party alert.

But bitch is going way too far with all the lace and sequins. Who in the hell does she think she is? Walter Mercado? Kristen Stewart needs to take off Walter Mercado’s favorite funeral jumpsuit and give it back to him, because it’s not working on her. Nor will it ever.

Taylor Swift Made $57 Million In One Year

No one ever said that Friday the 13th brings good news. Well, at least you know that an adorable kitteh’s “Can you warn me the next time you blow out an upwind queef?” face is the same as your “These bitches made how much?” face.

This is the point in your week when you curse at your 10-year-old self for not putting a melody to the entries you wrote in your Poochie Funtime Diary about cute boys, icky boys, beautiful princesses, fairytale kingdoms, Kanye West and heroin (that’s what “White Horse” is really about, right?). The professional list makers at Forbes put together another one of their lists and this one lists the celebwhores under the age of 30 who filled their checking account with the most gold bars from May 2011 to May 2012. The list is 70% female (including The Lesbeaver), 30% Twatlight and depending on who you ask, it’s 60% to 90% HUH? Here’s the full list:

1. Taylor Squint, 22 – $57 million
2. The Lesbeaver, 18 – $55 million
3. RiRi, 24 – $53 million
4. Lady CaCa, 26 – $52 million
5. Katy Perry, 27 – $45 million
6. Adele, 24 – $35 million
7. Kristen Stewart, 22 – $34.5 million
8. Lil Wayne, 29 – $27 million
9. Taylor Lautner, 20 – $26.5 million
9. RPattz, 26 – $26.5 million

Never mind the other overpaid whores on the list, I can’t fully hate on the Strawberry Shortcake character that is Taylor Swift for making more money than 1,400+ school teachers combined, because she made some of that money by shitting on John Mayer’s depressed David Duke dick. Taylor gets points for that one.

Here’s 3 of the 10 highest youngins being herpy and derpy at Comic-Con yesterday. With all that money, RPattz should be wearing something nicer than a shirt from Miller’s Outpost circa 1989.