Taylor Lautner Got A Slimy Facial Last Night

Seen here looking happy at home with several loads of sticky, wet, thick goo all over his alpaca face, Taylor Lautner was just one of the many hos who happily got hit with a Slimer bukkake at last night’s Nickelodeon Kids Choice Awards. They say this is the Kids Choice Awards, but this is really the Tommy Girl’s Choice Awards, because these pictures have made TG put the DO NOT DISTURB sign over his dungeon door while asking Xenu to forgive him for his fapping sins. Taylor Lautner + Alien Jizz = a party in Tommy’s panties!

Taylor looks a little TOO happy while covered in bright green stickiness. If a load of green goo hit me in the face, I’d wonder what kind of Gerard Butler-like disease the peen it came from suffers from? I know what pineapple does, but what does that?! I bet that’s what it looks like when you put a Parasite Hilton cream pie under a black light.

But Taylor wasn’t the only one who got slimed last night. So did Halle Berry (insert Gabriel Aubry slow clap here), and below is Justin Bieber getting slimed while Will Smith bear hugged him from behind (via CDAN):

I don’t know what happened there, but it has to be illegal in at least 1 province.

Here’s a few more pictures from last night’s mess of a show. In order!: Andrew Garfield, Kelly Taylor, Selena Gomez, Heidi Klum, Jesse McCartney, Kelly Osbourne, Katy Perry, some Garbage Pail Kid refugees, Kristen Stewart, Emma Stoner, Ashley Jizzdale, Halle Berry, The Lesbeaver with Will Smith and Michelle Obama.

Taylor Lautner Is Not Gay, So Says Taylor Lautner

If you took Taylor Lautner out of Hollywood, you’d take away 90% of the gay blind items. Taylor Lautner is destined to join Scientology, marry some girl from a show on The CW, exchange her human parts for robot parts, claim the girl baby she made with her ex-boyfriend as his own and name his new daughter Irus. But Taylor says this isn’t going to happen. Even though Taylor has a forehead made for a butch top to watch HD porn on while he rides that peen cowboy-style, he says that he’s not gay at all.

GQ Australia brought up Taylor’s dinner date with openly gay director Gus Van Zant and writer Dustin Lance Black and asked him if they hit on him. Taylor responded with this:

“No, definitely not. I think they know I’m straight. But they’re great guys. They’re a lot of fun. It’s not a coincidence that there was a writer, a director and an actor at dinner.”

Oh yeah, GQ Australia. When two gay dudes take a straight (for pay) dude to dinner, they automatically try to footsie him in the crotch under the table. I know that when two straight dudes take me to dinner, by the time dessert rolls around they get me to eat a plate of coochies and cream. And then I’m turned! Before you know it, I’m feasting on poon pavlova and diving face first into pussies jubilee. After I air kiss the straights at the exit door, I turn back into a gay. Yup, I drink the cooze-aid every time I have dinner with two straight dudes.

As for Taylor saying he’s straight, this GIF starring one of his relatives pretty much sums up my response:

via Examiner

Taylor Lautner Gives Good Face

Taylor Lautner emotes only one emotion some hos describe as “……….” when he’s acting in front of a camera, but the wires in that robot chicken hawk’s control panel were sparking something extra during his appearance on Spain’s El Hormiguero show yesterday, because he gave FACE! FACE! BEAUTY! FACE! HE GAVE! FACE! BEAUTY! FACE!

Taylor took us from “Is it in yet?” to “Yip, it’s in!” to “Errr! Poke more to the right!” to “Right there, right there, that’s the tea!” to “YAAAAASSSSSSS!”

Taylor did it so good that he even exhaled an imaginary cloud of cigarette smoke afterward.

What The Hell Kind Of GD Haircut Is This?

The unicorns are definitely no longer frolicking through the rings of glittery dandruff in RPattz’s hair, but mostly because they are too busy using their energy to figure out what in DR. KIMBERLY SHAW hell is going on with his hair? That is the kind of haircut you get when you set your clippers to a HERP DERP blade.

RPattz sat next to Kristen Stewart and Taylor Lautner at a Twilight Comic-Con panel in Los AngelesSan Diego today looking like he ran into the wrong group of rabid Twihards who attacked the side of his head by ripping out chunks of hair with their bare teeth so they that their butt could give birth to his hair babies (yes, this was their plan even though a few of them screamed about how they were never going to shit again).

No, RPattz told reporters that he has a Hitler Youth gone wrong haircut for a new movie he’s doing. Okay, I get it, but isn’t this why movies have budgets?! Couldn’t they have put a half-shaved wig on his head so when he’s done with work he doesn’t look like he has bi-seasonal hair (winter on one side, summer on the other). Better yet, they should’ve asked Ryan Gosling’s dog George to be RPattz’s hair double since that bitch basically has the same cut.

When Twilight Gay FanFiction Comes To Life

There was a good reason for why Kristen Stewart’s hair last night looked like it got attacked by a family of rabid raccoons who were trying to get to the Funyun bits in her mop that landed there after RPattz threw the bag at her when she finished up the last joint. Because I’m pretty sure both RPattz and Kristen Stewart were inhaling the good shit behind a bush right before the MTV Movie Awards (aka The Let’s Jack Off The Cast Of Twilight Awards) last night.

When RPattz and Kristen won the Golden Cup of Dingles Award for Best Kiss, they stumbled around uncomfortably the same way I do when a one-night fuck partner puts the fun on pause to say he’s going to use “the little boy’s room” (Note: Don’t bring up little boys when you’re doing big boy stuff).

Then RPattz suddenly remembered his lines and frolicked into the audience to plant a totally staged kiss on Taylor Lautner. The sparkly vamp on llama wolf kiss actually dimmed the gay rumors that swirl around Taylor Lautner, because that shit was about as erotic as the sight of Nutty Madam scrubbing the Twicream out of her Edward Cullen panties in the guest bathroom sink. But I’m sure it still made thousands of 13-year-old Twihards sign up for the vampire chapter of PFlag. Clip (via Rickey) below:

But RPattz didn’t stop there! During a tribute to Reese Witherspoon (HA!) with Chelsea Handler and Patrick Dempsey, RPattz gave a speech you usually see from the drunk best man at a wedding (fuck bomb included). It was like watching a train full of glitter vodka and grease teeter off the rails and slowly crash into a rubber chin factory.

Getting bombed to drop a fuck bomb at the MTV Movie Awards is the best thing RPattz has ever done.

Taylor Lautner’s Dad Might Be Crazy

Taylor Lautner’s publicist is fucking done with him professionally and it isn’t because of a gay scandal or anything like that. It’s because Taylor’s father is the second coming of Kit Culkin wrapped in White Oprah and incubated inside of an episode of Toddlers & Tiaras. Basically, Taylor’s father is the stage dad from the ninth circle of Hell and his (ex)publicist isn’t about to go to jail for double slapping a grown man’s basement chin.

The Hollywood Reporter says that Robin Baum of Slate PR, who also represents Daniel Craig and Johnny Depp, erased Taylor’s name from her BlackBerry after only working with him for three months. Taylor’s manager has kept their lips shut over this mess, but sources say that Taylor’s father Daniel is the problem.

Judging by that picture, Daddy Lautner looks like a for real twat wart who will huff at you when you take too long at the sundae bar at Sizzler. But he should still learn from the Kit Culkins and Jaid Barrymores before him. Either Daddy Lautner’s going to completely ruin his son’s career. Or he’s going to get dumped by his son and will have to pay his bills by selling stories to the tabloids for a four-figure check. Being a stage parent is not hard. Just let the professionals do the work and then steal a little money off the top each month. Seriously. But Taylor’s publicist really should’ve seen this coming. Never trust a stage dad who looks like the pile of Chet from Weird Science.