Pamela Anderson’s memoir/Netflix doc press tour marches on, and the tea is constant, scalding hot, and extremely fucked up. Yesterday, Pam dished about Sylvester Stallone, Kid Rock, and Julian Assange. Today, it’s all about Tim Allen (again) and Jack Nicholson. Hey, has anyone noticed that all of Pam’s stories are about… notorious creeps and/or assholes? I’m starting to think that this four-time divorcée (and two-time annulée) miiight not have surrounded herself with very good men…
The legendary Geena Davis has written a biography, entitled, Dying of Politeness: A Memoir. Let me get this straight: overly polite, gorgeous, and a working actress since 1982? Obviously, 66-year-old Geena has enough horrifying #MeToo tales to fill a book. And that’s exactly what she did. Last week, Geena jumped on the Bill Murray Is A Creepy Prick bandwagon when she accused the actor of inappropriately using a massage device on her while making their 1990 film Quick Change. Then, this week, in an interview with The New Yorker, Geena revealed that her Tootsie co-star, Dustin Hoffman, gave her some advice on how to shut down Jack Nicholson’s sexual advances. Awww, good for Dustin! It’s always encouraging to hear about a male ally who– wait, you say 85-year-old Dustin Hoffman has also been accused of sexual harassment? Goddammit.
If you think I’m using this cover story and interview with Vanity Fair merely as an excuse to spend some quality time reviewing Idris Elba’s Instagram page and post sexy pictures of him, you’re absolutely right. Thankfully, Idris also had some interesting things to say that I can include as text in between the sexy pictures of Idris Elba. Everybody wins!
The last movie Jack Nicholson appeared in was 2010’s How Do You Know. If I was 79 like Jack is, I’d also only leave the house for the odd Lakers game here and there. But I guess the right project came along, and it was enough to make him want to put on some pants and go to work.
Sources tell Variety that Jack has come out of semi-retirement to star in Paramount’s upcoming English-language remake of the 2016 German-Austrian film Toni Erdmann. The film, which has received a bunch of awards, including an Academy Award nomination for Best Foreign Language Film, is about a weirdo father trying to reconnect with his workaholic adult daughter. He invents a character named Toni Erdmann and poses as a life coach. Kristen Wiig is playing his daughter, and will also co-produce the film.
Variety says Paramount is still looking for a director and a writer. Jason Voorhees totally just emailed his contact at Paramount a folder of creative writing samples. “Hey, so I recently found myself out of work, and I heard a job opened up over there.”
English-language remakes have a reputation of being no where near as good as the original, so I hope they don’t do a really great movie like Toni Erdmann dirty. More importantly, I hope they remembered to break the news to Jack Nicholson very gently that his 43-year-old co-star would be playing his (deep breath) daughter and not his girlfriend. You don’t want to shock him into a coma.
Did somebody say All You Can Eat Pepaw Buffet?? Well let me tuck a paper napkin into my collar and grab a handful of wet-naps, cause I’m boarding the train to Shameville. Toot toot! All aboard, and leave your dignity at the door! Wait…I think I just mixed up a restaurant analogy with a train analogy. Oh who cares, it’s Jack Nicholson grossly ripping through a chill dog at last nights Lakers vs. Timberwolves game and – sorry not sorry – but guess what? I WOULD.
I don’t care how many of you set your judging’ eyes on me for this, but I love Jack Nicholson and I don’t care that he’s old as Moses and bloated like a water-logged pool noodle. I still think he’s charming in an inappropriate Oscar-winning whiskey-drunk hippo kind of way. Which is a roundabout way of saying that I’d let him get balls deep and call me a hot sandwich if he wanted to. And all the haters can step to the left, but the rest can join the club; it’s weird and sometimes you’ll feel bad for your parents, but we have Baileys and pizza bagel bites and you don’t have to wear pants.
Here’s more of Jack at the Lakers game chowing down on a chill dog (I’m sure there’s a gross Urban Dictionary entry for that, but I don’t have the stomach for it right now) along with a palate cleanser in the form of Zac Efron (I heard he’s more of a corn dog kinda guy).
Somewhere between an on-again-off-again relationship with Anjelica Houston and boning actress Veronica Cartwright, biographer Mark Eliot says Jack Nicholson found time to get his fuck on with Meryl Streep while filming the 1987 film “Ironweed“, even though the two allegedly didn’t like each other and vowed never to work together again after filming “Heartburn” in 1985. In a description filled with glorious visual imagery, the author says, “Often during shooting, his Winnebago seemed to be balanced on four overworked Slinkys.” The Daily Mail has more quotations from Eliot’s book, including ““whatever is going on inside that Winnebago it’s starting to get out of hand, to the point where it’s embarrassing a lot of people on the set”. Eliot’s book also chronicles Jack’s heavy drug use where he dropped acid while writing “The Trip“, used cocaine, smoked pot and experimented with LSD. It also talks about his struggles with his weight (apparently eating scores of pussy is fattening- who knew??) and finding out that the woman he thought was his older sister was actually his mother.
We already knew Jack’s sexcapades are the stuff of legends. He’s been linked to everyone from Candice Bergen to Janice Dickinson (before she started morphing into Steven Tyler) to Michelle Phillips to Lara Flynn Boyle’s old face. Meryl has been married to her husband, Don Gummer ,for 35 years and was two kids deep into her eventual four when Jack allegedly threw his Slinky down her staircase in the Winnebego. You know you’re hot shit when you don’t even have to shell out for a nice place to show a lady a good time. You can just hop into your trailer and drive that thing like you’re Lone Starr and Barf piloting the Eagle 5.
Maybe Jack and Meryl hated each other so much, their only option was to bump fuck parts. Maybe Jack was to Meryl what Isabella Rossellini was to Ross Gellar. I kind of want to throw a little shade her way, but it’s Jack Nicholson and everybody should be able to use their hall pass on him for a free fuck if the rumors about him are true, just triple bag it and use Clorox anywhere spray as lube. I can’t really blame Meryl for climbing Jack like a tree, especially not in a Winnebago. Hell, I lost it to a guy at skeevy ass place that rented rooms with hot tubs by the hour and it was so quick, the Slinkies were nowhere near overworked. I’m pretty sure there was a good 52 minutes of awkward soaking in that herpes and jizz-laced Jacuzzi water. Meryl at least got it regularly and well enough to make the film crew blush.