Back in October, Henry Cavill announced he would not be returning for a fourth season of The Witcher on Netflix and that Liam Helmsworth would replace him as European magical hunk in tights, Geralt of RiviaI. Fans of European magical hunks in tights were, understandably, disappointed. However, fans of American magical hunks in tights were elated because his departure from The Witcher coincided with the news that Henry was set to reprise his role as Superman in a sequel of 2013’s Man of Steel. But that’s not gonna happen. And now, fans of European magical hunks in tights are piiiiiiiiiiiiised.
On this episode of TV Stars From The 90s Crying About Something, Candace Cameron Bure has handed over the baton to Dean Cain after she spat on vaccine mandates and declared that she’s not anti-vax, she’s just for medical freedom (unless you’ve got a fetus in your womb). Dean Cain is now shaking his head over a comic book character coming out as bi. If you’re thinking to yourself, “Good lord, Chachi, eat a bag of dicks, but not in a gay way, of course!”, that’s Scott Baio! And if you’re responding to that with, “Okay, well then Hercules needs to choke on a heaping dose of STFU!“, that’s Kevin Sorbo! This is 90s TV Superman, we’re talking about!
Yesterday, The Hollywood Reporter broke news that we might never see Henry Cavill’s thick thighs squeezed into his Superman suit ever again. Warner Bros. released a statement saying they loved working with Henry and that no decisions have been made, but they wouldn’t confirm whether he was officially done or not. Henry has jumped into the conversation, but he hasn’t said much either.
This is not a complaint. This is observation and admiration. And lust. Witness Tyler Hoechlin’s gigantic butt in a Superman suit:
Do you ever just pic.twitter.com/v5DqehWiHk
— Tyler Hoechlin Army (@HoechlinArmy) July 29, 2016
Those contents are under pressure. He looks like he’s smuggling two kickballs back there. He must do squats in his sleep. Sleepsquatting! Unless those buttcheeks are some kind of implants. That would be disappointing, especially if you went to smack him on the ass and every bone in your hand shattered. Implants can oftimes harden.
The Teen Wolf actor is playing Superman in season two of Supergirl. Here he is on the set in Vancouver. Did they hire him as Superman because of his super bubble butt? I’d be in yoga pants every day, down at the gym and always making sure to slightly bend for everything so all the menfolk could admire my voluptuous ass. I probably wouldn’t be a member there for much longer after that display but it would be worth it if just one sessy type invited me to “take a steam” with him.
Check out more pics in the gallery below. Or just stare at that ass tweet while thanking the inventor of spandex profusely.
Johnny Depp better start looking into some long-term in-home hobo pirate care, because his go-to helper is going to be busy doing her own thing for the next little while. Amber Heard confirmed to ET yesterday that she has been cast as Mera, the wife of Aquaman (played by Jason Momoa) in 2017’s Justice League: Part One and 2018’s Aquaman. Amber wouldn’t say much about her role as Mera, but she did talk a bit about her costume. Just like Aquaman and Wonder Woman, Mera’s costume sounds like a Mugatu-inspired mecha mess.
“It’s interesting. It’s like, half suit of armor, half scales. It’s strange. We’re in the process of building it now, so it’s coming along.”
Excuse me? A fierce undersea queen like Mera deserves slutty aquatic eleganza. Not a suit cobbled together from pieces that fell off the side of a Deadliest Catch boat. I know people don’t like their superhero movies to be campy trash anymore, but at least give her a pair of gold club rat hoops to go with her crown.
Playing a character that spends most of her time in the water is a great opportunity for Amber. And no, I’m not talking about her career. I’m talking about how easy it will be to introduce Johnny Depp to semi-regular bathing. All she has to do is invite him to visit her on set after every underwater scene. When he arrives, a soaking-wet Amber will hold him in a hug just long enough for the water to penetrate his clothes and make contact with his skin. If she does this every day, I’d say she could have him relatively clean in about 3 to 5 months.
Pics: Splash, DC
“Batman v Superman” doesn’t come out until the end of the month and the PR hos at DC and Warner Bros. are not going to let anyone forget that! They’ve sunk $250 million into this movie – a movie, I suspect, is actually going to be about Ben Affleck‘s back tattoo. Entertainment Weekly has an article chronicling what’s at stake with this movie and the planned DC universe. It’s interesting but about as long as “Batman v Superman” is going to be, which is two hours and thirty-one fucking minutes!
It’s amazing to see just how hard these people want to sell us something. On the second page of the article, there’s a fun little nugget of a paragraph,
If BvS sounds crowded, it actually got smaller as time went on. The PG-13 movie’s 2 hour 31 minute runtime will expand further with an R-rated “Ultimate Edition” on home video, featuring even more brutal fight scenes as well as additional hints at future films. There’ll also be some new characters, including a secret one played by Jena Malone, who was cut from the theatrical release.
The movie isn’t even out yet and already they’re hustling us for that DVD money. They slashed that R to a PG-13 to get kiddie money and are now dangling more hardcore Ben Affleck on Henry Cavill action in front of the noses of those ride or die geeks that cream their Superman undies every time they release another teaser trailer. I really don’t have enough “I can’t”s for them selling us Jena Malone as a “secret character”. She got cut out of the movie for whatever reason, probably for time, and that’s that. Call it a deleted scene, call it a fun bonus, but please don’t try and sell me some expanded experience nonsense. This whole thing is like when you go to a fancy steakhouse and the $75 porter strip sirloin whatever doesn’t come with any sides so you have to order $12 carrots and mashed potatoes.
Pic: Warner Bros.