Henry Cavill Will Not Be Returning As Superman After All And Fans Of “The Witcher” Are Pissed

December 15, 2022 / Posted by:

Back in October, Henry Cavill announced he would not be returning for a fourth season of The Witcher on Netflix and that Liam Helmsworth would replace him as European magical hunk in tights, Geralt of RiviaI. Fans of European magical hunks in tights were, understandably, disappointed. However, fans of American magical hunks in tights were elated because his departure from The Witcher coincided with the news that Henry was set to reprise his role as Superman in a sequel of 2013’s Man of Steel. But that’s not gonna happen. And now, fans of European magical hunks in tights are piiiiiiiiiiiiised.

According to Variety, Henry’s out as Superman, and a new, younger actor will be playing the American magical hunk of Steel in tights under James Gunn, the new co-head at DC Studios. Now, I don’t know any Witcher stans personally, but I have to assume they’re a fandom that’s not to be fucked with. They’re horny for Henry, and they’re into the dark arts? “No thanks! Not touching that!” is what DC should have said before luring the titular Witcher back over to the dark side (DC, GET IT?!), where it’s apparently out with the old and in with the complex mental health issues that fuel their upcoming slate of new releases. Variety reports:

Things are heating up in Metropolis, as DC Studios co-head James Gunn has announced he is writing a new feature film about Superman. In step with the new project, Gunn has also revealed that Henry Cavill will not return as the hero.

“Peter & I have a DC slate ready to go, which we couldn’t be more over-the-moon about; we’ll be able to share some exciting information about our first projects at the beginning of the new year,” the director-turned-label-chief tweeted Wednesday evening.

“Among those on the slate is Superman. In the initial stages, our story will be focusing on an earlier part of Superman’s life, so the character will not be played by Henry Cavill. But we just had a great meeting with Henry and we’re big fans and we talked about a number of exciting possibilities to work together in the future.”

Sources close to DC told Variety that Gunn, his co-president Peter Safran and Cavill met recently and are all energized to find something in the comic book universe for Cavill to tackle.

That’s great news for folks who like their magical hunks in tights, clean-cut and saved, but tragic news for those who prefer them with ratty-looking struggle weaves and dirty fingernails. Henry made the announcement that he won’t be shaving his balls anytime soon.

This leaves Henry with exactly ZERO magical hunk in tights roles of any origin or grooming regime to play. The Daily Mail reports that the timing of this announcement has left fans no other choice but to blame DC for pulling the rug out from under Henry when he could have stayed on as the Witcher and kept the rug firmly planted on his head with the aid of many, many tubes of wig glue.

The announcement has angered fans, who argued that Henry – who was known to be a big Witcher fan – would not have quit his role as Geralt if not for Superman.

One tweeted: ‘Henry Cavill loved The Witcher but he clearly wanted the studio to respect the book material and it must have disappointed him to see them mock it. He ended up eventually leaving it behind for Superman only for DC to drop him again within 2 months. This man deserved better.’

Another agreed, writing: ‘If i were Henry Cavill right now, I’d be so angry, so embarrassed and probably firing my manager and agency right now. This really could damage the dude’s career, he just dropped Witcher too. Would he of done that if he knew Superman wasn’t coming?’

Personally, I’d be happy to see Henry freed from the shackles of magical hunks in tights for good. You know what you never see? A superhero or a wizard with no tights serving full-frontal hard R realness. That’s some mortals-only shit that I would like to see. And I’ll take an impeccably tailored three-piece suit two sizes too small over tights any day.

Pic: Jordan Hinton/Image Press Agency/Cover Images

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