The Look: Sookeh’s Black Licorice Dress And Predator Hair

Beeeeeeeeeehl can photobomb all he wants, but he can’t take the spotlight away from Soookeh’s movie theater snack of a dress and her Sunday afternoon hair. I call it Sunday afternoon hair, because that’s what it looks like when you comb leave-in-conditioner in your hair and let it sit in there while you catch up on episodes of Big Rich Texas.

Five months after giving birth to her twin fairy vampire babies, ASkars Jr. and ASkarina, Anna Paquin went to Tom Ford’s pre-Oscar party looking like a malnourished lady Predator who just sucked on a big, fat lemon. I just want to use one of Anna’s Ginsu knife cheekbones to cut a piece of licorice off her dress. Everybody should take note. Don’t bother styling your hair after you get out of the shower and always wear a dress that can double as a midnight snack.

Here’s a few pictures of some other hos at last night’s party: Tom Ford (looking like the hottest member of a secret non-government agency that polices extraterrestrial aliens…. keep Anna away from him!), Solange Knowles Miss J, Superman with Gina Carano, Allison Williams with her TV mom Rita Wilson, Garcelle Beauvais and Elton John with David Furnish.

UPDATE: Dr. Blossom’s 4-Year-Old Son Is Done Breastfeeding

Last April, Mayim Bialik (professional name: Dr. Blossom) told the readers of her blog and then told everyone else about how her 3 and a half year old son Fred was still slurping leche out of her nipples. Dr. Blossom is all about attachment parenting, so she said at the time that she’s going to let Fred nurse on her chichis for as long as he wants. Some pictured a 21-year-old Fred sitting at a bar and ordering a cup of vodka before asking Dr. Blossom to squirt her leche into it so he can have a White Russian. But Frank won’t be enjoying a night cap from her nipple when he’s 30, because Dr. Blossom announced on her site today that he has quit her tit!

Dr. Blossom writes that Fred first quit weaning at night and then around Thanksgiving, they had their last breastfeeding moment together. Some days when Dr. Blossom looks down at her rigatoni nipples, she misses it a little:

As I sat on the couch in the very room where he was born four years and three months prior, he latched on happily and only nursed for a minute or two that day, since toddler nursings tend to not be long at all, especially when they start spreading them out by several days. He typically nursed from both sides since I was prone to clogged ducts for most of our nursing relationship, and it became our habit to make sure both sides were nursed on.

That day, though, he was distracted by his older brother shouting something, laughing, playing in the next room. His big blue eyes with the impossibly long tapered lashes darted around and settled on the next room, the source of the voice, his beloved older brother who himself had nursed two years and change. The world beyond my breast was calling, and he hopped off of my lap and ran to the world waiting for him.

That was the last time Fred nursed. I wanted to shout after him, “Choo-Choo, you forgot the other side!” But I didn’t. I held my tongue and watched him go. My big boy. In jeans. With a big boy haircut, finally, after years of golden locks begging for either an upsheren (ritual first haircut at age 3) or a Farrah Fawcett photo shoot. Fred was done nursing. Fred weaned. Sweet baby Fred who cared for me as I cared for him: we made it.

Fred did not ask about nursing for weeks after that day. And it wasn’t until much more recently–it’s been three months now since he nursed–that he asked to nurse. But now when he asks, he knows it’s funny. That he’s a big boy. That he doesn’t drink nummies anymore.

He’s done. Fred weaned.

I’d be lying if I said I didn’t miss being able to latch him on and make it all better. We have other ways to soothe Fred now.

I always felt like it’s her kid and her chichis, so whatever. Besides, who am I to judge? I think I’ve said this before, but I was a thumbsucker until the third grade. Bitches used to make fun of my thumbsucking ways, so I would suck my thumb under my desk. And yes, I realize that I just set myself up for a perfect joke, so have at it.

So congratulations to Fred! Congratulations to Dr. Blossom! Congratulation to Dr. Blossom’s tits! And congratulations to all of us for knowing this!

And according to Urban Dictionary, “nummies” is when you feel a numbing sensation on your gums after rubbing coke on them. So now I’m picturing a 4-year-old rubbing coke on his gums. (“Awww, I remember when I taught Lindsay how to do that. Memories!” – White Oprah)

via ONTD

Dr. Blossom Is Getting A Divorce

Six LeMeure’s best friend Blossom (professional name: Dr. Mayim Bialik) and her husband of almost 10 years Michael Stone said today that their marriage will lie down in a shallow grave right next to Joey Lawrence’s career. Mayim announced the news on her blog and said that her marriage ending had nothing to do with the fact that she never boned her husband in their bed and slept with their two kids on two futons on the living room floor every night.

After much consideration and soul-searching, Michael and I have arrived at the decision to divorce due to “Irreconcilable Differences.”

Divorce is terribly sad, painful and incomprehensible for children. It is not something we have decided lightly.

The hands-on style of parenting we practice played no role in the changes that led to this decision; relationships are complicated no matter what style of parenting you choose.

The main priority for us now is to make the transition to two loving homes as smooth and painless as possible. Our sons deserve parents committed to their growth and health and that’s what we are focusing on. Our privacy has always been important and is even more so now, and we thank you in advance for respecting it as we negotiate this new terrain.

We will be ok.

Well, at least this means Blossom gets more futon space and her 3-year-old son Fred gets more TITTY TIME!

(Thanks, Angela!)

The Look: Elle Fanning’s Prada Sandals On Roids

Dakota Fanning, Kellan Lutz, Dr. Blossom, Ashley Greene, Stephenie Meyer, Shar Jackson (??????), Nikki Reed and Taylor Lautner were all flattened to the carpet at The Twatlight Saga: Breaking Hymen – Part 2 premiere in Los Angeles last night after 2-year-old Elle Fanning stomped on all of them. Little Elle Fanning barely learned how to walk by herself like four days ago and she’s already mastered the art of stomping in fucked up sandals made of plastic bricks, pink ribbon and chrome leather. Elle Fanning is practically a child, so I can’t give her any hate for wearing orthopedic sandals for geishas. Millionaire movie star children don’t know any better, because everyone around them will lie to them and tell them they look good. They usually don’t have a grandma around who will grab them by the hair and refuse to let them leave the house looking like a damn fool. If they had a grandma like that, they’d fire her ass for talking back.

These ugly ass shoes have a serious identity crisis. They don’t know if they want to be platform flip-flops, a Jenga tower, Getas on growth hormones or moon shoes for My Little Ponies. The only thing they do know is that they want to be as ugly as possible. When Prada put this nasty shit on the runway, they paired them with rubber socks! It’s kind of funny that Prada paired these sandals with socks that can double as lady condoms, because there’s no way you’re getting laid if you wear that nasty shit on your feet. Wearing these sandals is foot abuse in more ways than one.

Now that Elle Fanning has brought them to the mainstream, I’m sure snotty rich kids will start wearing them everywhere. That’s not a bad thing, actually. Cackling after seeing a brat fall in ridiculous shoes IS my favorite pastime.

Sookeh And Beeeeeeeeehl Had Twins

On a recent night at Merlotte’s, Anna Paquin sprawled out onto the pool table and hollered out a chorus of orgasm moans as her body twitched and pushed out two ethereal orbs of light that turned out to be two fairy vampire babies. No, True Blood isn’t just a show. It’s also a documentary about fairy birth and Anna Paquin is a fairy in real life.

A rep for Anna Paquin and Stephen Moyer tell People that after being knocked up for what felt like a quick second, Sookeh birthed out twins sometime recently.

“We can confirm that Anna Paquin and Stephen Moyer recently welcomed their twins into the world. The babies were born a few weeks early, but are in good health and both Mom and Dad are overjoyed.”

The rep didn’t offer up a name or even say if Sookeh and Beeehl had two boys, two girls or one of each. I’m going to go ahead and guess that Sookeh and Beehl haven’t come up with names yet, because she’s been too busy trying to explain herself after the twins came out looking like this:

Eventually they’ll call them Eric Lafayette and Erica Pamara.

Prayer Circle Time: Dr. Blossom Might Lose A Finger (UPDATE: Blossom’s Fingers Are Safe)

Mayim Bialik was driving in her white Volvo past the intersection of Hollywood Blvd. and La Brea around noon today when a car full of tourists from Chile hit the shit out of her. Mayim was alone and banged up in a bad way. Witnesses tell TMZ that there was blood everywhere and that paramedics immediately took Mayim to the hospital, because one of her fingers was just dangling off of her hand. Yes, that image just turned my whoas into nooooooooo-as.

Mayim also has other injuries on her hand and she’s currently being treated at the nearest hospital, and I really hope Six LeMeure shows up with Blossom’s favorite sunflower hat. I also hope that Mayim doesn’t lose her finger and if she loses her finger I hope it’s not a middle one, because she’s going to need both middle fingers to double flip off those Chilean bitches who ran into her.

And while she’s laid up in the hospital, Blossom should take her medicine. This will make her feel better.

Or not.

UPDATE: The prayer circle worked! Blossom is not losing a finger. All is right in the world again and now she can use all her fingers to plug her ears whenever that Joey Lawrence song starts playing somewhere.