It’s Official! The View Will Be Donald Trump’s Favorite Show Once Again!

TMZ says that Rosie O’Donnell has officially signed on to The View and next season she will check back into the crazy coop of insane pecking hens. ABC wants Rosie back, because they think she’ll rise The View out of the wet shit puddle of stupidity that Jenny McCarthy and Sherri Shepherd left. Rosie wants to go back to The View, because she misses making Donald Trump cream out of his b-hole with her opinion and she also needs the check so she can keep doing Lucifer’s work (read: buying more CROCs).

TMZ says that Rosie and ABC were negotiating for a few days and they finally shook hands on the deal yesterday. They’re supposed to make an announcement any second. So far Whoopi and Rosie are the only hos sitting at the table next season. The producers are looking for two more and they want a Latina (CAST CHARO!) and a conservative (CAST JAN CROUCH!).

I don’t know about this, Rosie on The View just isn’t going to be the same without that human version of a hyena’s shrill-cry Elisabeth Hasselcrack. Who is Rosie going to make cry? I hope they at least put a stuffed Hasselcrack doll next to Rosie so she can gnaw on its face and yell at it when she gets the rage.

And I’m sensing a theme….

Whoopi had a talk show in the 90s and Rosie O had a talk show in the 90s… I really hope the producers makes all my 90s dreams come true by filing The View with an all-star cast of lady hosts from 90s talk shows next season. Jenny Jones and Rolonda better crawl out from whatever rock they’ve been living under and call their agents (if they still have one of those)!

Panty Creamer Of The Day: Matt Boner In A Tux At The Tonys

If you have to suffer through the nastiest and grossest day of the week MONDAY, you might as well do it while staring pictures of the come-to-life Superman action figure Matt Bomer making b-holes howl and pussies slobber while working a tux at the Tonys last night. The real-life Steven Wakefield graduated from Carnegie Mellon and he was at the Tonys to present Carnegie Mellon with something and I didn’t really pay attention, because I was too busy asking myself, “For why is Matt Boner wearing so many clothes? Couldn’t he have paid tribute to Hair instead?!”

Either Matt Boner’s makeup artist forgot to powder his beauty or in NYC it’s more humid than Tyler Perry’s bussy when he flips through the Spirit of Black Men calendar on his office wall. Because Matt Boner is looked lubed-up in the face. I bet the most overheard line at the Tonys last night was, “Matt, you’re looking a little greasy, do you want me to lick that up for you?”

Here’s more of Matt Boner in a tux and pictures of other hos at the Tonys including Fran Drescher giving you Peaches ‘N Cream Barbie’s mom, Maggie Gyllenhaal looking like a disemboweled down comforter and Thalia wearing a shitting prom dress from the late 80s.

Pics: Splash, Wenn.com

Rosie O’Donnell’s Child Army Gets A New Member

Rosie O’Donnell announced on Instagram today that she and her trophy wife Michelle Rounds are moms to their first cutie patootie (never 4get The Rosie O’Donnell Show 1996-2002) together. Rosie posted this picture of their baby friend along with this note written in text talk:

“we r thrilled to announce the arrival of r daughter Dakota – #withloveandthanks – AMEN”

Rosie didn’t say anything else. Did they used a surrogate? I don’t know. Did they adopt Baby Dakota? I don’t know. Was Michelle Rounds knocked up with Baby Dakota? I don’t know. Was Rosie O knocked up with Baby Dakota (note: I’d be pissed if Rosie O was pregnant and didn’t let us know, because that means we missed out on pictures of her knocked up body in CROCs and a wet swimming t-shirt)? Probably not. Did they secretly grow Baby Dakota O’Donnell in the nest on Donald Trump’s head without him knowing? Probably so. The only thing we do know is that Rosie is a mother for the fifth time and she and her wife gave their daughter an Irish stripper’s name.

And did you know Rosie’s oldest kid, Parker, is 17? We’re all old! Reading that Parker is 17 made a grey hair grow out of my ear.

Rosie O’Donnell Got Married

All the way back in June, when the ginger unicorns were still secreting drops of red hot happiness from their nipples over the gayelle wedding of the century, Rosie O’Donnell and her fianceé Michelle Rounds quietly got married in NYC. Rosie O and Michelle were supposed to tie the klit (I really meant to type “knot,” but klit came out and so I’m keeping it) this month, but they decided to speed shit up when Michelle was diagnosed with desmoid tumors and had to get surgery. On June 9th, 5 days before Michelle went under, Rosie O’Donnell became a wife for the very first second time.

In related news, Jennifer Love Hewitt just ran to the nearest Baskin Robbins, jumped over the counter and shoved her head into a huge tub of Snickers ice cream. After that, JLove will vajazzle the letters FML on her crotch, because Rosie can get a wife, but bitch can’t get a husband.

Of course, Rosie announced the news by writing a messed up haiku-ish poem on her site:

my wife michelle
was diagnosed with desmoid tumors in june
a mysterious rare – too often fatal disease
that affects 3 in a million people

we were to wed 10 days ago
but her illness forced us to postpone the wedding
luckily –
as i was in ICU that day
when it rains …
things grow
like love and flowers
humans too

so on we go
we married in private
before her surgery
just the 2 of us

when we r both well enough
will have the wedding of r dreams
surrounded by those we cherish
thankful for the love and support
so many have given us
during these trying times

If Rosie recited one of her “poems” during the ceremony, then either Michelle really is in love with her, she’s a truly dedicated gold digger or she’s willing to overlook that shit, because Rosie eats punane like it’s made of cheddar biscuits from Red Lobster.

Congratulations to Rosie and Michelle! First, Rojo Caliente and Cynthia Nixon, and now Rosie O’Donnell and Michelle Rounds? Two power lesbian weddings in one year and it’s only August, so there’s room for many more. And yes, that’s me elbowing Oprah and Gayle.

Rosie O’Donnell’s Had A Heart Attack Last Week

The world almost lost Rosie O’Donnell last week and it was all because (not really) she helped a fellow fat lady out of her car last week in a parking lot in Nyack, NY. In one of her signature jacked up haiku-ish type blog posts, Rosie O wrote today that she had a heart attack last week and all of her heart attack woes started when a fat lady in a parking lot asked her to a help a bitch out. The lady couldn’t get out of her car and so Rosie grabbed onto her and pulled her out. Rosie’s good deed ended with a stent in her heart.

Rosie says that once she got home after helping a ho out, she started to feel the same way Melania Trump feels when Donald asks her to give his taint a tongue bath. Rosie felt vommy and clammy and eventually threw up. Rosie tried to diagnose herself with the help of the Internet and when she Googled “women’s heart attack symptoms,” the first thing that came up was an article titled: “Did you just stare at gloriously beautiful bikini pictures of the Spanish dandelion that is the Duchess of Alba, because that will make you weak in the heart!“

After Rosie O couldn’t really find anything on the Internet, she downed a Bayer and ignored the pain. When Rosie went to her cardiologist the next day, she found out that she had a heart attack.

i did not call 911
50% of women having heart attacks never call 911
200,000 women die of heart attacks
every year in the US

by some miracle i was not one of them
the next day i went to a cardiologist
the dr did an EKG and sent me to the hospital
where a stent was put in

my LAD was 99% blocked
they call this type of heart attack
the Widow maker
i am lucky to be here

know the symptoms ladies
listen to the voice inside
the one we all so easily ignore
CALL 911

save urself

Rosie’s rep tells People that she is really lucky and is now resting at home.

That gross feeling that feels like slime crawling all over your skin is Donald Trump running his bloated fingers through the pile of deep fried Sasquatch pubes on his head while smugly smiling over this. I bet that fat ho in need WAS Donald Trump in disguise.

And you know, Rosie’s story makes me feel so much better about ignoring strangers who ask for my help. Nothing good can come from helping strangers.

Just Like That, Donald Trump Is Now Lindsay Lohan’s Biggest Fan

If you were hoping that Lifetime would put down the crack pipe (a Lohan family heirloom) and come to their senses by casting their queen Meredith Baxter-Birney as Elizabeth Taylor in their basic cable biopic, you wasted all your hopes on that shit. Because Lifetime made it official last night by announcing that Lindsay Lohan, who isn’t even hot enough to play Rip Taylor in a movie, will take on the role of La Liz in Liz & Dick (which you shouldn’t confuse with the title of LiLo’s upcoming memoirs, Lez & Dick).

Lifetime’s VP of Programming, Rob Sharenow, queefed out a press release to Deadline and in it he made it perfectly clear that his thoughts are powered by White Oprah’s ass farts. Think of all the words you’d use to describe LiLo (examples: haggard, beat, whory, etc..) Well, Rob used the opposite of those words:

Lindsay Lohan is set to star as the legendary Elizabeth Taylor in the Lifetime Original Movie Liz & Dick, based on the true story of the screen icon’s historic romance with actor Richard Burton. Principal photography on the movie will begin in early June in Los Angeles, it was announced today by Rob Sharenow, Executive Vice President, Programming, of Lifetime Networks.

Regarding the announcement, Lohan said, “I have always admired and had enormous respect for Elizabeth Taylor. She was not only an incredible actress but an amazing woman as well. I am very honored to have been asked to play this role.”

“We are thrilled Lindsay will portray beloved Hollywood legend Elizabeth Taylor,” added Sharenow. “She is one of the rare actresses who possesses the talent, beauty and intrigue to capture the spirit of such a provocative icon.”

Many hos (including your memaw who will definitely call you up after watching this mess to ask, “Why did The Albino from Princess Bride play Elizabeth Taylor?“) aren’t happy about this and one of those hos is Rosie O’Donnell. Rosie O was one of the heads, along with Star Jones and Donny Deutsch, on the Today show’s cerberus of terror this morning and she let it be known that she’s turning her thumb down to this shit:

Rosie: I feel very sorry for her. I think she needs a lot of time away. She’s had a lot of trouble doing every single movie including SNL. She was out and not in rehearsal. I think she’s not in a place to work.”

Star: I used to think she was extremely talented, but I have not seen enough of her as an actress in recent years to really make an evaluation.

Donnie: It’s a great idea. She’s our generation’s Elizabeth Taylor. The only one-

Rosie: You’re out of your mind! You’re a crackhead! Get out of here! The last thing she did good she was 16! ……I don’t think she’s right for the role and I don’t think she’s capable at this point of doing what is needed to portray that character.

I know the story here should be that some of us need to take a group Silkwood Shower together since we’ve been tainted with the feeling of actually agreeing with Star and Rose, but the real story here is that Donny Douche hates Elizabeth Taylor as much as Lifetime does.