We’ve all enjoyed a good tune from time to time by The Beatles, but I’ve never really connected with them like my parents did. That all changed this morning! Coming straight from the Quincy Jones school of no fucks left to give, Paul McCartney gave an interview that probably has daughter Stella McCartney sobbing from embarrassment into a crate of environmentally friendly chiffon at her design studio. Paul says that back in the day and before they were world-famous Beatles, he and John Lennon were just typical horny boys who liked to play with their trouser Yellow Submarines, er, trouser snakes. They were so boned once (or twice!) that Paul says he, John, and a group of friends jerked off together!
Over three years ago, Oprah brought Filipina pop star and Internet superstar Charice to Chicago, shoved Charice up her twat and gave birth to her so that she can say she’s the biological mother of the most talented girl in the world! Shortly after Oprah “discovered” Charice, she got a record deal and later got cast as Sunshine Corazon on Glee. There’s been rumors that 21-year-old Charice is strictly into vagina and she went on the show The Buzz to talk about her sexuality.
The host, Yul Brynner, asked Charice if she’s a lesbian and she answered,“Opo, tomboy po ako,” which translates into, “Yes, I am a homosexual.” Since the Philippines is still seriously, seriously Catholic, she apologized to her family and fans for disappointing them by coming out.
Charice shouldn’t apologize for shit. Well, she should apologize for that Pete Wentz circa 2001 haircut, but that’s it. And I need thank to Charice, because “Opo, tomboy po ako” is totally going to be my new Grindr tagline.
And here’s Charice on Oprah:
Cissy Houston Doesn’t Like Bobby Brown And Doesn’t Like The Thought Of Whitney Lezzing Out With Her Best Friend
On Oprah’s Next Chapter last night, the Houston family matriarch pimped out her book on all things Whitney Houston and Oprah asked for her thoughts on a few rumors about her late daughter. Oprah brought up a part in Cissy’s book where she talks about Whitney’s relationship with best friend Robyn Crawford. Whitney was the Oprah to Robyn’s Gayle King and there were rumors that the two bumped ‘ginas under the moonlight and were in love for many years. Cissy writes that she knew about the speculation that Whitney and Robyn were gayelle lovers and when The Mighty O asked her if she believed the rumors, she said this:
“I don’t really know. I thought, I didn’t particularly like her. She just spoke too disrespectful sometimes, like she had something over Nippy. I didn’t like that at all. She was alright. She turned out to be alright, I guess. That was her friend.”
Cissy told Nippy that she didn’t like Robyn and didn’t want her hanging around Robyn, but Nippy did anyway. Cissy knew that Nippy’s heart wrapped around Robyn’s heart, but she didn’t know for sure if her mouth ever wrapped around Robyn’s love box. Oprah asked Cissy if it would’ve bothered her if Nippy was a lesbian and she didn’t flinch when she said, “Absolutely.” Oprah seemed surprised and asked the question again using different words. Cissy once again said that she wouldn’t have liked it and wouldn’t have condoned it.
Cissy’s eyes when she said that! She didn’t even flinch. It’s like her eyes said “No, I wouldn’t have liked it if they were straight dykin” and “Yes, I can smell Gayle’s poon on your breath, Oprah, and I don’t like that either!” Cissy is super into all things Jesus and is older than Methuselah, so it’s not surprising that she wouldn’t have embraced Whitney’s gayelleness. But then when Oprah asked Cissy if she was happy when Bobby Brown came along, she said, “No.” Cissy Houston hates Bobby Brown too.
Then when Oprah brought out a giant cupcake with sprinkles on it and asked Cissy if she liked that, Cissy said, “No.” Oprah tried something different and brought out a pink basket full of fluffy kittens wearing tiny hats and asked Cissy if she liked that, Cissy said, “No.”
CISSY HOUSTON HATES EVERYTHING!
And during the interview, Whitney’s brother Michael confessed that he’s the one who introduced her to crack, not Bobby Brown. When Oprah asked Cissy if she likes crack, Cissy said….you know the rest.
Jodie Foster has been the FourSquare Mayor of the Glass Closet for what feels like centuries and she’s sort of dropped hints here and there about how she likes to slurp on lady clit, but at the Golden Globes tonight she fully came out as a card-carrying member of Home Depot. I think. Jodie got the Cecil B. DeMille Award at the Golden Globes and during her rambling speech she name dropped Honey Boo Boo, introduced the dude who co-parents her kids, retired from acting and then she let the coochie out of the bag. I didn’t know if I was the one on shrooms or if Jodie Foster was the one on shrooms? Or both!
Jodie went on about how she came out to her friends and family a million years ago, but that was before hos declared “YUP, I’M GAY!” on the cover of People Magazine, so she never told the public. And then she name checked Honey Boo Boo. via Towleroad
“I already did my coming out about a thousand years ago, back in the stone age. In those very quaint days when a fragile young girl would open up to trusted friends, and family, coworkers and then gradually, proudly, to everyone who knew her. To everyone she actually met. But now, apparently I’m told, that every celebrity is expected to honor the details of their private life with a press conference, a fragrance and a primetime reality show. You guys might be surprised, but I’m not Honey Boo Boo child.”
Do I laugh? Do I cry? Do I let out a “DUH?!” Do I praise St. Rojo Caliente for Jodie finally declaring her love of snatch? I don’t know what to do, because I don’t know what was going on in that speech. I’ll just do what Mel Gibson did:
Yes, that’s Mel’s “Wait, I worked with a lesbian?” face.
But seriously, that is how you come out. You come out in a rambling, magical and weird coming out speech where you namedrop Honey Boo Boo. Congrats to Jodie and congrats to Honey Boo Boo!
File this under: Shit that reads like the plot of a messed up romcom starring Katherine Heigl and Hilary Swank.
A billionaire property magnate from Hong Kong has offered up a $65 million reward to any man who can successfully lure away his 33-year-old lesbian daughter from her wife. FINALLY, my dreams of becoming a beard AND a successful gold digger can come true. This can really work especially since many a bitch has told me that I look like a middle-aged Chinese butch lez.
Business Insider (via Towleroad) says that the daughter Gigi Chao (on the right and her Facebook is here) married her partner of 7 years Sean Eav (on the left) in France on April 4th, but her father Cecil Chao denies that a wedding ever took place and he refuses to accept his daughter’s wife into the family. Cecil Chao is so desperate to make his daughter straight that he’s willing to part with $65 million of his own money and he doesn’t even care if the lesbian-turner is poor or rich. The only thing Cecil wants in a son-in-law to be is a dude who is kind in the heart and is a hard worker who wants to start his own business. Cecil, my future father-in-law, put it like this:
“[The prize money is] an inducement to attract someone who has the talent but not the capital to start his own business. Gigi is a very good woman with both talents and looks. She is devoted to her parents, is generous and does volunteer work.”
I’ve only been in a Subaru twice, I hate going to Home Depot and plaid flannel doesn’t look good on me because it’s too busy for my facial features, but I’m willing to change all of that to be richer than Honey Boo Boo (I’m convinced she’s a secret millionaire and is faking the poor for maximum media attention)!
But seriously, this could be like the lesbian version of Ang Lee’s The Wedding Banquet. I’ll move into Gigi and Sean’s penthouse and we’ll all pretend our way to millions! I’ll even do a beard apprenticeship with Kelly Preston for a few months to learn how to be the best beard ever.
If my father-in-law ever walks into my Hong Kong penthouse and catches me with a peen in my mouth, I’ll just tell him that his heterosexual daughter and I are heterosexual swingers and I always test the peens she’s about to suck on, because I respect him too much to let his heterosexual daughter suck on nasty-tasting dicks. He’ll believe me, this will work and we’ll all be rich!
All the way back in June, when the ginger unicorns were still secreting drops of red hot happiness from their nipples over the gayelle wedding of the century, Rosie O’Donnell and her fianceé Michelle Rounds quietly got married in NYC. Rosie O and Michelle were supposed to tie the klit (I really meant to type “knot,” but klit came out and so I’m keeping it) this month, but they decided to speed shit up when Michelle was diagnosed with desmoid tumors and had to get surgery. On June 9th, 5 days before Michelle went under, Rosie O’Donnell became a wife for the very
first second time.
In related news, Jennifer Love Hewitt just ran to the nearest Baskin Robbins, jumped over the counter and shoved her head into a huge tub of Snickers ice cream. After that, JLove will vajazzle the letters FML on her crotch, because Rosie can get a wife, but bitch can’t get a husband.
Of course, Rosie announced the news by writing a messed up haiku-ish poem on her site:
my wife michelle
was diagnosed with desmoid tumors in june
a mysterious rare – too often fatal disease
that affects 3 in a million people
we were to wed 10 days ago
but her illness forced us to postpone the wedding
as i was in ICU that day
when it rains …
like love and flowers
so on we go
we married in private
before her surgery
just the 2 of us
when we r both well enough
will have the wedding of r dreams
surrounded by those we cherish
thankful for the love and support
so many have given us
during these trying times
If Rosie recited one of her “poems” during the ceremony, then either Michelle really is in love with her, she’s a truly dedicated gold digger or she’s willing to overlook that shit, because Rosie eats punane like it’s made of cheddar biscuits from Red Lobster.
Congratulations to Rosie and Michelle! First, Rojo Caliente and Cynthia Nixon, and now Rosie O’Donnell and Michelle Rounds? Two power lesbian weddings in one year and it’s only August, so there’s room for many more. And yes, that’s me elbowing Oprah and Gayle.