Bruce Is FREEEEE (Almost): Pimp Mama Kris Files For Divorce

September 22, 2014 / Posted by:

I was beginning to think (“Bitch, don’t ever ‘think’ about Pimp Mama Kris and her harem of demon whores” – you) that Pimp Mama Kris and Bruce Jenner’s break-up was just another choreographed stunt and that she and he would renew their vows on the season finale of Krapping Up The Kartrashians. We’d all gasp when PMK lifted Bruce Jenner’s white veil and revealed his perfectly applied lip gloss, waterproof mascara and A+++ foundation game. But that’s not going to happen, because TMZ says that PMK filed for divorce in L.A. today and Bruce Jenner is going to file his response sometime today. I’m hoping that Bruce Jenner’s official legal response looks something like this:


Yes, of course that’s written in Clinique Chubby Stick. What do you take Bruce for?

TMZ says that PMK checked “irreconcilable differences” as the reason why her marriage is as dead as her soul and she filed without a lawyer, because she and Bruce already worked everything out. A source tells TMZ (read: PMK whispered it into Harvey Levin’s ear while enjoying cactus fruit martinis together at their usual table at Trader Vic’s) that PMK, Bruce and their business managers spent months splitting everything up. They didn’t have a prenup and neither will pay each other spousal support. They’ll share joint custody of 17-year-old KYJelly Jenner.

PMK listed June 1, 2013 as their separation date and the law states that any money she made after that date is hers and any money he made after that date is his.

This is too amicable and that evil life-sucking monster doesn’t do anything amicably. This is probably what really happened. PMK appeared in a cloud of black smoke in Bruce’s boudoir as he brushed his luscious ombre locks with his Mother of Pearl brush. PMK told him that she gets all the money and all the houses and he gets to walk away with his ponytail, his diamond stud earrings, his freedom, the secrets she’s been blackmailing him with for years and his nutsack. Bruce’s eyes perked up when she said, “nutsack.” PMK cackled away before telling poor Bruce that Khloe accidentally ate his nutsack a long time ago. She mistook it for freeze dried dog treats. Bruce took her deal, because he just wants to be free of those demon skanks. That’s what really happened.

And here’s PMK at LAX today where she got on a flight to an undisclosed location (the Ninth Circle) to begin shooting her new reality dating show Flavor of Kris. I kid, but you know it’s koming.


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