Orlando Bloom’s Censored Naked Pics Will Be The Death Of The Internet (UPDATE)

In case you couldn’t tell from the screams of the internet asking for Detective La Toya to please join forces with Detective Courtney Love to track down Orlando Bloom’s raw naked pics, the New York Daily News posted a gallery of exclusive pictures starring Katy Perry and her dick-out naked piece. But well, the NYDN threatened all of us with a good time, because they put a dreaded censor box of doom over Orlando’s peen in ALL of the pics. We’ve all been cock blocked by a black box.

Katy and Orlando are on vacation in Sardinia, Italy, and for some reason, he decided to strip down to nothing and paddleboard. I don’t know why you would want to paddleboard naked, but I’m not complaining. Get all Hedonism II in that bitch, Orly! Living the life IS sitting comfortably on your chariot as a naked Legolas paddles you around.

FULL BLOOM: Orlando Bloom bares all on vacation with @katyperry https://t.co/xDWmgcQGKl pic.twitter.com/U7khHrP1IQ

— NY Daily News Gossip (@NYDNgossip) August 3, 2016

If it was Jon Hamm in those pics, he wouldn’t need that paddle. The Hammaconda would steer them safely to land while fighting off any sharks that circle around them.

You can click here to see all of the censored pics if you want to. Thankfully there’s people on Twitter who are as hard-up as we are, because they’ve pointed out that you can see the shadow of what may be Orlando’s peen (but it could be his arm) in one pic. I hope Orlando’s peen didn’t see its own shadow because that would mean six more weeks without seeing the uncensored pics.

UPDATE: I guess Orlando’s peen didn’t see its own shadow, because Orlando’s bare peen has leaked on is all over Tumblr, and your eyes can get it (NSFW, duh) here.

Pic: FameFlynet

Here’s Katy Perry Giving You Some Silk Flower Arrangement Realness At The AmfAR Gala

Last night, amfAR’s annual Cinema Against AIDS Gala happened in Cannes, and Katy Perry showed up looking like the mother of the bride if the bride was the red dress cha cha dancing emoji. I’m sure Katy’s dress is very ~expensive~ and is handcrafted from only the finest of materials, but for some reason it’s setting off my Michaels craft store radar. “‘For some reason” – listen to me, acting like it has nothing to do with the $80 worth of silk peony petals attached to her body.

I used to be obsessed with fake flowers. Maybe it was because I watched so much Lifestyles of The Rich and Famous while my 6-year-old brain was still developing. Although I have no idea what episode triggered by silk flower obsession. My obsession with wigs, however – that definitely happened during the Raquel Welch episode. Regardless of when it happened, I used to collect fake flowers and I thought they were so glamorous and high class. Placing a single plastic-stemmed rose on my book shelf truly added an instant touch of elegance to my collection of Baby-Sitters Club books. So as much as I want to laugh at Katy’s dress and make a joke about how it looks like something that was stolen out of a repurposed Snapple bottle vase in the bathroom of a budget banquet hall, I just can’t. My love of fake flowers won’t let me.

Here’s more of Katy Perry, and everyone else who was at the amfAR Gala. Thanks to Uma Thurman, we now know what it would look like if Day-To-Night Barbie quit her job to focus solely on the Night part.

Pics: Wenn.com

Katy Perry Would Like You To Ignore This “Conspiracy” About Orlando Bloom And Selena Gomez

Despite the fact less than 24-hours earlier she was vague-tweeting a link to a song about falling out of love to her 88.4 million followers, Katy Perry has asked that you kindly stop talking about the drama surrounding her relationship. Katy hopped on Twitter yesterday and side-eyed everyone who was whispering about her boyfriend Orlando Bloom, because there is nothing to whisper about. According to Katy, you can go ahead and throw those pictures of Orlando getting handsy with Selena Gomez at a Las Vegas club into the trash with your proof of lizard people existing and the moon landing being fake, because it’s nothing but a conspiracy.

Instead of giving energy & eyeballs to dumb conspiracy 🚮 check out how C👁👁L this is: https://t.co/ClmGlPMz3x #dontfeedthebeast

— KATY PERRY (@katyperry) May 12, 2016

That’s right, instead take a look at all the good work Orlando is doing. Hashtag don’t feed the beast! Pay no attention to the Orlando that may have hooked up with a 23-year-old last weekend. Selena Gomez clearly agrees, because she retweeted Katy’s request and added some emoji praise hands.

Not too long after (six minutes to be exact), she tweeted the following, which may or may not have anything to do with Katy’s original tweet. But it doesn’t matter, because the important thing is that we stop talking about this!

#killemwithkindness -one day they’ll get it lol

— Selena Gomez (@selenagomez) May 13, 2016

Just like that, Taylor Swift threatened to revoke Selena’s membership to the I Hate Katy Perry Club. “Did you or did you not take an oath promising to be as vindictive and dramatic as possible? You’re on tour – you could have welcomed Ashlee Simpson to the stage and sung that ‘Didn’t Steal Your Boyfriend’ song together while dressed up as cats. I’m just so disappointed right now.”

Speaking of Taylor and conspiracy theories, Wendy Williams recently put on her tinfoil hat and wondered if Taylor had anything to do with the rumors about Selena and Orlando. No! Wendy, STOP! We don’t need ’90s alt girl Katy to get public revenge on the most popular girl in Famous People High School by making her own version of “Bad Blood.” Besides, we already have that, it’s called Daria.

Pic: Wenn.com

Katy Perry Has Sort-Of Commented On Those Pictures Of Orlando Bloom And Selena Gomez

Maybe it’s because I always have Waiting to Exhale on the brain, but when those pictures of Orlando Bloom snuggling up on Selena Gomez in a booth at a Las Vegas club hit the internet earlier this week, I expected Katy Perry to Instagram a video of herself in Orlando, Florida tossing a lit match onto a rental car filled with his clothes. But she didn’t do that. I’m guessing because Jeremy Scott couldn’t get the cartoon flames right on her scorned woman costume. Instead, she waited until last night and kept it vague-ish by tweeting a link to Peggy Lee’s “Is That All There Is?”

Is that all there is? https://t.co/54Q72MfXND

— KATY PERRY (@katyperry) May 12, 2016

Just for some context, the third verse of “Is That All There Is?” is about a woman who falls in love with a guy and they go on long walks and shit. And then one day he up and leaves, and she thinks she’s going to be super bummed about it, but she just sort of shrugs. For once I can say “How very subtle of you” and actually mean it. Or maybe this is just the beginning, and a Lemonade-style tell-all album called Perryer is coming later.

Selena Gomez, meanwhile, would like you to know that she has been dating, but won’t say who, because that’s personal!

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That’s Not Katy Perry With Orlando Bloom…

Well, this is a little awkward. Allow me to explain what is happening in these grainy-as-hell pictures above. On the right, you have Orlando Bloom, who appears to be – forgive me Jesus for using this word – canoodling with a lady in a booth at a club. And according to TMZ , the woman he’s ‘noodling with is Selena Gomez. In case you’ve forgotten, Orlando’s dick currently belongs to Katy Perry.

TMZ says the above pictures of Orlando reuniting with his one-time revenge hookup Selena were taken on Saturday night at the after-party for her show in Las Vegas. The after-party was at Light in Mandalay Bay, and sources say that Orlando surprised everyone by showing up. 39-year-old Orlando and 23-year-old Selena found a booth together and got to touching. A source describes them as being “touchy-feely.” However, whatever happened in that booth stayed in that booth; the source says that Selena went back to her room alone at the end of the night.

As for where Katy Perry was when all this was happening, she was apparently back in California at a Renaissance Fair. I sort of wish it was the other way around; I would have loved to have seen Orlando macking on Selena while holding a giant turkey leg.

Even without these pictures, which I’m sure have already been thrown in a frame and hung in the Indiscreet Dummies wing of the Cheating Hall of Fame, Orlando would have been busted the second Katy got home and took a look at the state of his Tamagotchi. “Oh my god, it’s dead! It looks like died from malnutrition and feces exposure on Saturday night. Where were you Saturday night that you couldn’t take care of it? Explain yourself!”

Pic: TMZ

If Marge Simpson Went Goth And Lost Her Brows In A Meth Lab Explosion…..

And I didn’t know that Backdoor Farrah got a job as a reporter (no offense to that reporter in the bronze sequined top thing in the back).

Anna Wintour and the other foolery providers of the Met Gala should just declare that every year’s theme is LOOK AT ME LOOK AT ME GOD LOOK AT ME. Because every year, one part of them tries to dress the theme, another part doesn’t even try and the others throw on some fucked-up shit and add a touch of something that goes with the theme. Katy Perry fell into the latter category. Last night, she answered the question, “What would it look like if Halle Berry’s character from B*A*P*S bleached her skin and starred as the Evil Queen in a low-budget straight-to-the-99-cent-section-of-the-iTunes-store reboot of Snow White and The Huntsman?”

Katy Perry’s Hunger Games funeral dress was by Prada and her black No. 2 pencil eraser hair was by Dixon Ticonderoga. I’m going to take a wild guess and say that Katy hid razors in her wig and wanted all of those keys on her dress just in case she needed a weapon to shank a trick with if Taylor Swift’s Easy Bake Oven Brigade tried to jump her ass in the girls room.

The technology part of Katy’s ensemble was a Tamagotchi and her current piece Orlando Bloom also wore one on his tuxedo jacket pocket:

Yup, that’s pretty much how you win the theme. And Orlando Bloom’s Tamagotchi took a shit on the red carpet. If that was his Tamagotchi’s official review for most of the looks on the carpet, I agree!

Pics: Wenn.com, Splash