Orlando Bloom’s Dick Was The Star Of His Surprise 40th Birthday Party

Katy Perry threw her man Orlando Bloom a surprise 40th birthday party at a hotel in Palm Springs, CA on Saturday night and even though Justin Theroux was there, the biggest dick in the room was the blown-up picture of Legolas’ (sadly censored) peen. Katy apparently took the picture that launched a thousand boners and throbbing clits, blew it up and used it as a backdrop for party guests to pose in front of. Some guests made fun of Orly’s salchicha (see: picture above) and others posed normal. It doesn’t look like any of them put their mouths on that black box. I know, Katy and Orlando have weird friends.

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Hillary Clinton Came Out Last Night To Honor One Of Her Biggest Fangirls Katy Perry

As Jabba the Trump ate a fancy dinner with his rival-turned-ass kisser Mitt Romney (Note: In this picture of them, it looks like the laxatives Trump spiked in Mitt’s roasted crow cake just kicked in and Trump is fapping over the thought of it.), the reigning President of Pantsuits, Hillary Clinton, laughed to keep from crying (aren’t most of us?) while honoring Katy Perry at the 12th Annual UNICEF Snowflake Ball in NYC last night. Katy nearly campaigned her magnificent chichis off for HRC, but if I was HRC, I would’ve unfriended her ass as soon as she dressed up like a Hills Have Eyes version of me for Halloween.

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Katy Perry And Orlando Bloom Didn’t Break Up

Earlier this week, In Touch claimed that Katy Perry’s relationship with Orlando Bloom was done after 10 months of dating, and that it happened shortly after Halloween. Katy and Orlando must have sobered up the day after Halloween, looked at those pictures of them dressed up as expired cough syrup hallucinations of Hillary and Trump, and decided they just couldn’t look at each other the same way ever again. But that’s probably not the case.

While her arch nemesis was doing the Mannequin Challenge with some rented friends, Katy celebrated an intimate Thanksgiving yesterday with her family, which included Orlando. We know this because Katy made sure to Instagram proof that it happened.

Orlando even got his own festive flannel onesie. You know you’re really a member of the family when they feel comfortable enough around you to let your loose trouser change jingle-jangle in pajama pants all day.

Nothing says “We’re still together, goddamnit!” like your boyfriend holding a baby and referring to him as “family.” I do like how she says she can’t quit him now. That’s called covering your ass. She might not be quitting him now, but get back to her in a couple days when his Tamagotchi and Selena Gomez CDs are in a box at the end of her driveway.

Pic: Instagram

Open Post: Hosted By Katy Perry As HRC And Orlando Bloom As Trump

Because everyone and their weekend drug dealer is going to probably do an election-themed costume for Halloween, Katy Perry and her naked paddleboard driver Orlando Bloom did themselves up in election-themed costumes for Kate Hudson’s Halloween party in L.A. last night. It’s not surprising that they did election-themed costumes, but it is surprising that Katy didn’t do herself up as a pussy and Orlando didn’t do himself up as Donald Trump’s tiny elf-sized grabbing hand.

Katy Perry has been working the trail for Hillary Clinton, and last night she showed her undying devotion to #ImWithHer by dragging it up as Her. Katy’s friend went as the Bill Clinton to her Hillary Clinton and Orlando went as a Troll Doll Trump. They obviously went all out, but if it wasn’t for that MAGA cap and Bill wearing that “I’m With Her” button, I would not have guessed who they’re supposed to be. Katy Perry isn’t giving me HRC at all. What she is giving me is “bloated love child of a rubber Angela Lansbury mask and a jolly gnome,” as well as Jay Leno in sloppy Tina Brown drag. And Orlando Bloom looks more like an electrocuted Carrot Top (no offense to my muscled-up American ginger dream boat Carrot Top).

And for the sake of the other guests at the party, I hope Kate Hudson had a spread of every kind of drug at the bar, because I would need to do them all to rid my brain of the image of seeing “Hillary Clinton” and “Troll Doll Trump” tongue kiss in the corner.

Here’s more of Katy’s HRC costume as well as pics of other tricks at the party like Pussy Posse (or as they’re now known as “The Wolf Pack”) leader Leonardo DiCatchAHo playing it subtle by wearing a wolf mask.

Pics: Splash

Shut The Hell Up, Miranda Kerr!!!

Good celebrity peen pics are about as rare as a day that doesn’t end with you weeping at the bottom of a hot shower while clutching a vino sippy cup full of Barefoot white zin. (What? Just me?) So many of us peen pic dilettantes (yes, I have a Word of the Day calendar) appreciated when Orlando Bloom made the brave decision to go naked paddle boarding and risk a sea creature trying to get at his dangling dick after mistaking it for a marine spoon worm. But there’s one person who thinks that Orlando made a stupid decision and that someone is his ex-wife/mother of his kid, Miranda Kerr. Put your kewpie doll lips together, Miranda, and keep them shut! Nobody asked you for your opinion! Okay, actually someone did ask.

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Orlando Bloom Reportedly Wants To Make Babies With Katy Perry

Orlando Bloom and Katy Perry have been a thing since they were seen “flirting” and vaping at a Golden Globes afterparty back in January, which means they’ve been together for seven months. If regular people have the seven-year itch, then famous people have the seven-month itch. According to a statistic made up by me, seven months is usually how long it takes for a famous person to get the itch to sell their exclusive wedding pics to People or post a positive Clearblue pee stick on Instagram. It sounds like one of them has the seven-month itch, and it’s Orlando. Katy? Errr….not so much.

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