“Oh DAYUM, they’re really dragging Angelina! By the way, that’s your cue to laugh, my minions.”
Today, the FBI officially pointed a finger at North Korea for being behind the hack and terrorist threats that brought The Interview down. An FBI investigation (led by Detective La Toya and Detective Courtney Love, I’m sure) proved that North Korea called the shots and backed the hackers who cyber attacked Sony using servers in Asia, Europe, the US and Latin America. The FBI says that everything leads back to North Korea and that spoiled, hissy fit-throwing, bloated bitch Kim Jong-Un. The methods used in the hack are methods that the US knows North Korea has previously developed. The FBI’s full statement is here, but I’ve pasted a piece of it after the cut and it’s much more entertaining if you picture Detective La Toya and Detective Courtney Love saying these words while holding magnifying glasses over their eyes.
Everybody in Hollywood has probably closed their email accounts, burned their phones and laptops and have vowed to do all of their shit talking in the bathroom with the shower on or in a screening of an Adam Sandler movie since those are usually empty. Because the Sony Hack of 2014 (“Hey, that’s my official title!” – Adam Sandler) keeps producing more e-mail foolery. Last night, Buzzfeed posted an e-mail thread between Hollywood super villain Scott Rudin and the co-head of Sony Amy Pascal, and this time they’re not gnawing at each other’s throats over that Jobs movie nobody wants or committing the sin of sins by trashing St. Angie Jolie.
This time they’re joking about how President Obama must only like movies starring black people and how he must love that “greedy whore” Kevin Hart, because you know, he’s black. Dumb pieces of disgusting trash! That’s like saying that I only like gay movies, because I’m gay. (Cut to me saying, “bad example,” while throwing a cardigan over my DVD collection which includes Paris Is Burning, Priscilla, Bound, Hedwig, My Beautiful Launderette, The Wedding Banquet, Bad Education, Showgirls and He-Man & She-Ra: A Christmas Special.)
Seen above looking frazzled, worn out and tired after spending 10 long minutes telling the weekday morning chef how to properly make a quinoa, flaxseed and cloudberry breakfast tart for Apple and Moses (the plight of a working mother), Goopy Paltrow hosted a Democratic National Committee Fundraiser in the backyard of the Haus of GOOP in Brentwood last night. When she wasn’t GOOPing in her $900 French silk chonies over President Obama, she continued to be the Norma Rae of our time by fighting for the working class!
Buzzfeed says that 250 guests, including Julia Roberts and Bradley Whitford, paid anywhere from $1,000 to $32,400 to watch President Obama speak. Actually, I don’t think anybody “watched” him speak since their eyeballs rolled onto their freshly baked wood-burned pizzalets when Goopy Paltrow mouth farted out her usual shit while introducing him. Ever since Goopy got an ocean full of diarrhea dropped on her for saying that she, a famous millionaire, has it so much harder than regular 9 to 5 working moms, she’s been pedaling hard on the damage control cycle. While introducing Obama last night, Goopy pulled a Goopy. via the NYDN
“Paltrow cited sustainable energy efforts as well as Obama’s push for equal pay, which she called ‘Very important to me as a working mother.’”
Bitch always has to find a way to GOOP it up. She was fine until she threw in “as a working mother.” Goopy really knows the trials and tribulations of your average working mother. I mean, Goopy has to shoot one whole film a year to pay all the au pairs, chefs, chauffeurs, tutors, nutritionists, acupuncturists and butlers who take care of her two children. The other day, Goopy had to tell her contractor to do the pool in Capri in Carrara marble instead of crushed diamond tiles because she has to cut the budget. Goopy is barely making ends meet! Do something about this, Obama!
Goopy then gushed from every orifice as she flirted with Obama. Buzzfeed says these words came out of her mouth:
– “I am one of your biggest fans, if not the biggest.”
– “It would be wonderful if we were able to give this man all of the power that he needs to pass the things that he needs to pass.”
– “You’re so handsome that I can’t speak properly.”
Um, but does she ever speak properly? Since the sight of Obama makes Goopy almost speechless, we now know that the quickest way to get her to shut the fuck up is to show her a picture of Obama.
If you’ve ever wanted to pay $1,000 to eat thimble-sized portions of imported red-crested tree rat tears and dehydrated organic purified air chips, now’s your chance! According to The Hollywood Reporter (via People) come-to-life corn broom Gwyneth Paltrow will host a fundraising dinner for President Barack Obama at her underground snob lair in Los Angeles next month. Which means that one month and one day from now, she’ll publish an article on Goop.com titled “Tips For Hosting A Casual Dinner Party For The President of the United States of America” and obnoxiously refer to him multiple times as ‘my best friend Barry‘.
But the party won’t be totally Goop-ified (aka there will be actual food and no one will be forced to watch Gwyneth do a 90-minute hip-hop-yogalates class with living haunted ventriloquist dummy Tracy Anderson). The event has been planned by the Democratic National Committee, and will begin with a reception at Castle Goopskull followed by a dinner where President Obama will answer questions from guests. Tickets cost between $1,000 and $32,400 per person. I bet there’s no difference between the $1,000 ticket and the $32,400 ticket. The Democratic National Committee probably guessed that Gwyneth Paltrow would need a way to feel superior even at her own dinner party, so they offered two ticket prices; one for the low-class poors and one that costs 32 times more for Gwyneth.
This will be the second time Martha’s favorite movie star has hosted a fundraiser for President Obama, the first was held during his re-election campaign in 2012. Which makes me wonder…what did Obama do to deserve such punishment? My Dinner with Goopy – TWICE?? Once would be enough for you to swear off dinner parties forever. At least he’s got a whole month to think of a convincing excuse why he can’t go. Here, I’ve already got some ready for him: you’re on an all-McDonalds diet, you’re allergic to kale water, you need to stay home and practice making your bed.
Meanwhile, Michelle Obama can just send Goopy this gif and be like “Just pretend I was there.”
Every morning when Kanye Kardashian wakes up, he carefully slips out of bed (so as not to wake Riccardo), tiptoes past the Botox-filled isolation tank where Kim Kardashian is held in a perpetual state of frozen slumber, and makes his way outside to kneel before his Anger Shrine and rage pray to the CAPS LOCK GODS above to bless him with an excuse to throw bitchy shade at one of his enemies that day. After many days of prayer, the clouds opened up yesterday morning and an angry voice shouted “THY WILL IS DONE! I PRESENT UNTO YOU A RADIO INTERVIEW, MY SON! NOW GO AND BE A DELUSIONAL ASSHOLE UNTO THEE.”
Sensing that he may not get another opportunity to publicly burp out his deluded thoughts before Pimp Mama Kris ships him off the next photo shoot disguised as a honeymoon, Kanye used his appearance on Power 106FM on Thursday to really go full-Kanye. According to The Daily Mail, Kanye began by opening his Burn Book to the page with an 8×10 glossy of President Obama and hissing:
“You can’t effect change from inside the White House like that. You gotta have the money. Good ideas usually aren’t connected to money as much. Creativity and extreme genius are extremely cheap.”
The only way I can make any sense out of what Kanye said is if I took that last sentence and replaced the words “creativity” and “extreme genius” with “all the Kardashian hookers”. I seriously have no idea what he’s trying to say; the meth head who sat beside me on the bus rambling on about something called “carpet corn” for 20 minutes made more goddamn sense. But it doesn’t matter what Kanye said, according to Kanye, because he’s ON A MISSION FROM GOD:
“Don’t worry about how I’m saying what I’m saying. Look at what I’m saying and how I feel and how my intent is. You do not want to go against the power. I’m working on one mission, and that’s a mission from God.”
Excuse you bitch, but you are neither Jake nor Elwood Blues, so please take several seats with that “mission from God” bullshit. The only mission Kanye is on is a mission from PMK to stay married to her narcoleptic hooker daughter for at least 73 days.
Here’s more of Kanye at the Miami airport today on a mission to find out who this “North West” person is who keeps leaving voicemails on his phone:
The White House Corespondents Dinner (aka the event that Sarah Palin rage watches on TV every year like a lonely 11th grader sitting all alone in her car parked in the lot of the prom she wasn’t invited to) happened in DC last night and it’s usually a real trash heap of an event filled with gutter skanks like Kim Kardashian, Lindsay Lohan and Spencer Pratt. But they decided to switch things up this year and bring in some real stars and beauty! Sure, there were still some hos there whose one brain cell would spit out an error 405 if you asked them to spell “correspondents” (see: Jessica Simpson), but the presence of ROJO CALIENTE made up for that!
Rojo Caliente blessed the WHCD with her glorious gingerness last night, because she’s in politics now and it’s only a matter of time before she’s voted in as President and moves into the White House (sorry, Hillary). Our future First Lady Cynthia Nixon was Rojo’s date and judging by that dress, we know her focus will be recycling when she moves into the White House. Because you know that ratty couch from the 60s your hoarding memaw just couldn’t let go of and put on the back porch where it became a bed to the raccoons who troll around her yard? Well, Cynthia Nixon ripped the fabric off of that back porch couch and used it to make the dress she wore last night.
Believe it or not, last night’s events weren’t canceled so that everyone could watch Rojo eat and slowly sip champagne. The events and jokes went on. Obama told jokes between two ferns!
And the poster child for good plugs Joel McHale told jokes too!
But the real entertainment came from watching the beige polyester panties of all the old people bunch up into their ass cheeks as they got highly offended by Joel’s jokes.
And here’s a few pictures from last night’s nerd prom including my best dressed of the night Rose McGowan who delivered some boudoir chic by wrapping a black silk sheet around a teddy.
Pics: Getty, Splash