Goopy Paltrow Wants The Mommy Wars To Stop And I Want Her To Stop Using Gross Phrases Like “Mommy Wars”

May 9, 2014 / Posted by:

Awww, isn’t it cute how all you provincial, J. Jill-wearing, Hyundai Sonata-driving, cubicle-inhabiting working moms are projecting your simple, little insecurities onto moi?”

Back in March, living enema full of pretentiousness Goopy Paltrow caused a working mom shit storm when she said in an interview with E! News that 9-to-5 working moms have it so much easier than her, because they get to go home to their kids at night and when she’s making a movie she has to Skype her children from her $3 million trailer while getting acupuncture on her anus to relieve the tension of her rectum clutching onto that stick. (Side note: Strangely enough, when she Skypes her children, the French nanny that was bred 22 years ago to specifically be her kids’ future nanny answers and says that Apple and Moses are currently unavailable because the in-house massage therapist is massaging their temples with organic ylang-ylang oil while the other nanny reads them Shakespearean sonnets in four different langauges. Lies. They’re really eating candy soup while watching Nickelodeon.) Goopy actually said that she “has it harder.” But now she’s saying that her words were taken out of context and she didn’t mean that 9-to-5 working moms have it easier than her. A bunch of moms who are not as perfect as her had to twist her words to make themselves feel better. CAUTION: She uses the word “opine.” Get your screen-punching fist ready.

A few weeks ago during an interview, I was asked why I have only worked on one film a year since having children. My answer was this: Film work takes one away from home and requires 12-14 hours a day, making it difficult to be the one to make the kids their lunch, drive them to school, and put them to bed. So I have found it easier on my family life to make a film the exception, and my 9-5 job the rule. This somehow was taken to mean I had said a 9-5 job is easier, and a lot of heat was thrown my way, especially by other working mothers who somehow used my out-of-context quote as an opportunity to express feelings (perhaps projected) on the subject. As the mommy wars rage on, I am constantly perplexed and amazed by how little slack we cut each other as women. We see disapproval in the eyes of other mothers when we say how long we breastfed (Too long? Not long enough?), or whether we have decided to go back to work versus stay home. Is it not hard enough to attempt to raise children thoughtfully, while contributing something, or bringing home some (or more) of the bacon? Why do we feel so entitled to opine, often so negatively, on the choices of other women? Perhaps because there is so much pressure to do it all, and do it all well all at the same time (impossible). Below is a somewhat radical piece by Brigid Schulte, which has provoked many a discussion here in our HQ, and even a tear or two.

The piece by Brigid Schulte is titled, “IDEAL MOTHERS, IDEAL WORKERS AND THE MYTH OF BUSYNESS.” Enough said.

For a few sentences there, I thought a dark cloud would appear in the sky and suck us all in, because Goopy making sense and sounding somewhat reasonable is the final sign of the rapture. But then she had to go and show us that she’s still a big unremarkable anus by adding that little “perhaps projected” comment. Goopy never says ANYTHING wrong and if you took it that way it’s just your imperfect self being jealous of how perfect she is. But you know, if Goopy shat up a note that wasn’t dripping in lukewarm pretentiousness, none of us would have triceps the size of her ego, because we wouldn’t be repeatedly punching our screens. What I’m saying is that Goopy totally has a deal with the computer screen companies.

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