Martha Stewart Says Gwyneth Paltrow Should Stick To Acting And Stop Trying To Be Martha Stewart

YAAAASS! It’s that time again where someone asks Martha Stewart what she thinks about human bottle of organic unflavored coconut water Gwyneth Paltrow and she takes a giant messy 800-threadcount Martha Stewart Collection shit on her. WARNING: High levels of heart-warming verbal poetry ahead.

When asked for the 1,948th time about insufferable bed-making expert Gwyneth Paltrow and her never-ending quest to become America’s Next Top Snobby Blonde Lifestyle Pimp, Martha Stewart made sure to serve up a piping-hot slice of shade pie with Goopy’s name on it. Galina Reznikov’s posh Polish equivalent told Net-a-Porter’s Porter magazine (via Page Six) that the only person Goopy Paltrow should be giving life advice to is Iron Man and the showtune-shouting teenagers on Glee:

“She just needs to be quiet. She’s a movie star. If she were confident in her acting, she wouldn’t be trying to be Martha Stewart.”

The shade, the beautiful slow-simmered shade of it all. Actually, is that even shade? She pretty much straight-up calls a bitch out. Although just once I wish Martha would serve her cuntberries raw instead of cooking them into a sweet preserve. I truly look forward to the day when someone asks her about Gwyneth Paltrow and she rolls her eyes and hisses: “That bitch can lick my asshole. NEXT QUESTION!”

And even the most obtuse dum-dum knows by now how Martha Stewart feels about Gwyneth Paltrow (ie. she enjoys her in the same way one would enjoy a Sriracha enema), so are reporters just trolling her at this point when they ask her about Goopy? If so, I need to send every reporter who interviews Martha Stewart a muffin basket from here on out, because I can’t thank them enough for their contributions to the world of journalism.