Martha Stewart Says Gwyneth Paltrow Should Stick To Acting And Stop Trying To Be Martha Stewart

September 13, 2014 / Posted by:

YAAAASS! It’s that time again where someone asks Martha Stewart what she thinks about human bottle of organic unflavored coconut water Gwyneth Paltrow and she takes a giant messy 800-threadcount Martha Stewart Collection shit on her. WARNING: High levels of heart-warming verbal poetry ahead.

When asked for the 1,948th time about insufferable bed-making expert Gwyneth Paltrow and her never-ending quest to become America’s Next Top Snobby Blonde Lifestyle Pimp, Martha Stewart made sure to serve up a piping-hot slice of shade pie with Goopy’s name on it. Galina Reznikov’s posh Polish equivalent told Net-a-Porter’s Porter magazine (via Page Six) that the only person Goopy Paltrow should be giving life advice to is Iron Man and the showtune-shouting teenagers on Glee:

“She just needs to be quiet. She’s a movie star. If she were confident in her acting, she wouldn’t be trying to be Martha Stewart.”

The shade, the beautiful slow-simmered shade of it all. Actually, is that even shade? She pretty much straight-up calls a bitch out. Although just once I wish Martha would serve her cuntberries raw instead of cooking them into a sweet preserve. I truly look forward to the day when someone asks her about Gwyneth Paltrow and she rolls her eyes and hisses: “That bitch can lick my asshole. NEXT QUESTION!”

And even the most obtuse dum-dum knows by now how Martha Stewart feels about Gwyneth Paltrow (ie. she enjoys her in the same way one would enjoy a Sriracha enema), so are reporters just trolling her at this point when they ask her about Goopy? If so, I need to send every reporter who interviews Martha Stewart a muffin basket from here on out, because I can’t thank them enough for their contributions to the world of journalism.

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