The FBI Officially Names North Korea As The Puppet Masters Of The Sony Hack

“Oh DAYUM, they’re really dragging Angelina! By the way, that’s your cue to laugh, my minions.”

Today, the FBI officially pointed a finger at North Korea for being behind the hack and terrorist threats that brought The Interview down. An FBI investigation (led by Detective La Toya and Detective Courtney Love, I’m sure) proved that North Korea called the shots and backed the hackers who cyber attacked Sony using servers in Asia, Europe, the US and Latin America. The FBI says that everything leads back to North Korea and that spoiled, hissy fit-throwing, bloated bitch Kim Jong-Un. The methods used in the hack are methods that the US knows North Korea has previously developed. The FBI’s full statement is here, but I’ve pasted a piece of it after the cut and it’s much more entertaining if you picture Detective La Toya and Detective Courtney Love saying these words while holding magnifying glasses over their eyes.

We are deeply concerned about the destructive nature of this attack on a private sector entity and the ordinary citizens who worked there. Further, North Korea’s attack on SPE reaffirms that cyber threats pose one of the gravest national security dangers to the United States. Though the FBI has seen a wide variety and increasing number of cyber intrusions, the destructive nature of this attack, coupled with its coercive nature, sets it apart. North Korea’s actions were intended to inflict significant harm on a U.S. business and suppress the right of American citizens to express themselves. Such acts of intimidation fall outside the bounds of acceptable state behavior. The FBI takes seriously any attempt—whether through cyber-enabled means, threats of violence, or otherwise—to undermine the economic and social prosperity of our citizens.

The FBI stands ready to assist any U.S. company that is the victim of a destructive cyber attack or breach of confidential business information. Further, the FBI will continue to work closely with multiple departments and agencies as well as with domestic, foreign, and private sector partners who have played a critical role in our ability to trace this and other cyber threats to their source. Working together, the FBI will identify, pursue, and impose costs and consequences on individuals, groups, or nation states who use cyber means to threaten the United States or U.S. interests.

President Obama said in a press conference today that he thinks Sony “made a mistake” by giving in to the hackers and pulling The Interview completely. He said that we can’t let some dictator impose censorship on shit we show here and if someone can intimidate a studio into not releasing a satirical movie, imagine the shit they’ll pull if they see a documentary or news report they don’t like. Obama wishes somebody at Sony would’ve called him before they threw The Interview in a shallow grave, because he would’ve told them to release it. Okay, DAD. If he had a conversation with Sony, I’m sure he also would have told them that he’s not really into Kevin Hart and he’s much more of a Chris Tucker kind of guy, thankyouverymuch. Obama wouldn’t say how the government is planning to “respond” to the hack and threats, but I’ve heard that the military plans to really bring Kim Jong-un to his knees and make him cry out his eyeballs by projecting The Interview in its entirety in the sky above his palace.

Obama completely lost me during the press conference when he said “I love Seth Rogen and James,” but he earned a gold star when he called James Franco “James Flacco.”

Kim Jong-Un’s bossy bitches (I mean, the hackers) still aren’t happy and said the leaks will continue unless Sony scrubs the Internet clean of The Interview. They want all trailer and promo materials removed.

Where is Kim Jong-un’s favorite cuddle buddy Dennis Rodman during all of this? Can’t Rodman go over to North Korea and seduce Kim Jong-un into giving him information that will lead to him taking down North Korea’s network of hackers? I always knew that Dennis Rodman was destined to be the Shi Pei Pu of our time.

Here’s Seth Rogen with his bodyguard and adorable dog friend at LAX on Wednesday.