If Noel Gallagher had calmly said that he’s more than happy to wear a mask since he cares about other human beings and wants to do his part to stop the spread of coronavirus, I’d immediately lube up my parts and assume the position, because I’d finally get some since today is Opposite Day. But since Noel Gallagher is Noel Gallagher he didn’t say that and while on Matt Morgan’s Funny How? podcast (via The Guardian), he made it damn clear that the only way he would hate a mask more is if it had the words I Love Adele embroidered on it.
Expecting a Gallagher brother to not take an opportunity to act like a miserable taint sore is like expecting Lindsay Lohan to not snatch a wallet that’s left right in front of her, or like expecting me to not simulate a dick-sucking with a Prince Hot Ginge wax figure at Madame Tussauds. So it’s shocking to absolutely no one that Liam Gallagher used a charity event to once again spit at his dried-up twat of a brother Noel Gallagher.
If I know anything about Liam and Noel Gallagher, it’s that the only thing they hate more than Adele and popular music is each other. Now, there are two ways to keep the fires of a feud burning. You can pull a Mariah Carey and softly fan the hot coals of hate by continually refusing to acknowledge said person you’re feuding with. Or you can do like Liam Gallagher did recently and dump an entire can of gasoline on it.
This all happened on Twitter, which makes sense, since Twitter is basically the internet’s unsupervised fire pit. The Independent isn’t sure what set Liam off, but they think it might have had something to do with some positive comments Noel received during a recent Gigwise interview about his upcoming third solo album. Because he’s such a sweet, supportive younger brother, Liam decided to congratulate Noel by coming hard for him and his producer David Holmes. David was dragged into this mess, because he was responsible for the nice words, which included calling Noel’s new album “fun.” Liam opened with a slap at David for being a “YES man“, then proceeded to shit all over Noel and compare him to a ground-dwelling vegetable.
And now in salty bitches being salty bitches news. Noel Gallagher, a man who I’m pretty sure shares DNA with the phrase “Piss off“, recently spoke to British GQ (via Daily Mail) about humanity’s current favorite crooning feels-maker, Adele, and – surprise! – Noel Gallagher still doesn’t like Adele. The last time Noel was asked about Adele’s music, he channeled his inner *so edgy* 9th grader by sneering that it’s music for “fucking grannies.” This time, Noel Gallagher went even harder by confessing that Adele’s existence is such a pain in his ass that it ruins his breakfast.
“Adele? I’m not a fan. She always comes on the radio when I’m having my cornflakes: ‘Hello?’ No, fuck off!”
Cornflakes, eh? I always pictured Noel Gallagher ate a bowl of wood chips and popcorn kernels every morning to guarantee that he’d have something to complain about. You really do learn something new every day. Obviously my first reaction to Noel whining about Adele would be to tell him to get off his ass and change the radio station. But then I remembered that Adele is our supreme overlord, and it doesn’t matter how far you turn the dial in any direction, Adele’s voice will be on it. And turning off the radio won’t do any good, because there’s always going to be that neighbor who belts out the chorus from “Skyfall” in the shower like they’re auditioning for Bathroom Idol.
Speaking of reality shows, Noel also took a tight shit on reality competition television. You know, because he wouldn’t want to give Adele the satisfaction of being the sole recipient of all his hate this week.
“I’ve been offered the X Factor twice and – right after I left Oasis – Strictly Come Dancing. Just ee-fucking-magine.”
Just once I’d love to know what Noel Gallagher likes. What am I saying? Noel Gallagher likes nothing! If an airline ever loses Bianca Del Rio’s Rolodex of Hate, she could call up Noel Gallagher and ask if he’d consider subbing in as a replacement. Again, listen to me acting like Noel wouldn’t shout “Fuck off, I’ve got cornflakes to eat” before hanging up the phone.
We all know that Noel Gallagher is a human ray of sunshine who only has good and sweet things to say, so it’s totally out of character for him to hate on a trick. But while talking about his upcoming tour in Australia with Music Feed (via Billboard), the crusty cunt pimple shit on Adele’s music and said he doesn’t understand why everyone creams themselves dry over her. Earlier in the interview, Noel said that the state of modern music today is a “sea of cheese.” (“Sea of cheese” is also how Noel’s wife describes his dick situation, I’m guessing.) The interviewer brought up his “sea of cheese” comment and said that thanks to phrases like that, he’s earned a reputation as a bona fide shit talking machine. Noel was asked if he feels like journalists try to pull a bitchy gem out of him, because they know he’ll deliver…and he did just that with his answer.
If I get asked a question on anything, I give a straight answer. It is interesting that no-one ever talks about my love of U2 and Coldplay, but there you go. Lately, the one I’ve been asked about is Adele. If someone wants to know what I think of Adele, I’ll fucking tell them. Not because I have any sort of agenda or because I’m trying to whip up any kind of hysteria. I just don’t see what all the fuss is about. I don’t like her music. I think it’s music for fucking grannies.
The way I was brought up, you’re obliged to give an honest answer if someone asks you an honest question. If you trot out the same bullshit all the time, then you’re one of them. And I’m not one of them. I’m one of us.
The interviewer should’ve asked Noel’s bitter ass what exactly he means by “fucking grannies.” Does he mean that Adele makes granny music or does he mean that “Hello” is the perfect song to blast while you’re pile driving a granny? Because there’s a difference.
I don’t always agree with Noel Gallagher, but I always appreciate how he stays hating. He is a hero to us hating assholes, and not only that, but he’s pretty funny too. I mean, he thinks Adele’s music is boring, but yet he loves the Ambien-stylings of Coldplay? Oh, Noel, you so funny. He was telling a joke, right?