Miranda Kerr Is Doing An Australian Billionaire

Well, I guess you throw that whole “working on mah marriage” thing in the trash when a billionaire starts cumming solid gold coins on your chichis. Just five weeks after Miranda Kerr and Orlando Bloom announced that they were done doing each other for now, Woman’s Day magazine (via SMH) says that she’s spinning on the diamond-encrusted platinum peen of Shrek-looking ass gambling tycoon James Packer, who is worth around $7 billion.

James is also going through some divorce shit with his wife of 6 years and the mother of his three kids. James and his wife Erica broke up barely three months ago. A source says that James and Miranda have only started dating recently, but they’ve known each other for a while  and their families have gone on vacations together. Miranda, Orlando and their kid Flynn spent some time in Tahiti with the Packers last year. James Packer’s spokeswhore wouldn’t say shit about this.

James Packer is somewhat of a star fucker and he became a Scientologist after he got friendly with Tommy Girl. He quit Scientology in 2005 after his dad died.

Miranda Kerr’s checking account is filled to the top with millions of dollars, but why fly first class to some island for vacation when you can fly on your private drone to a private island your billionaire boyfriend bought your ass? Yes, Orlando Bloom’s face is so pretty that you just want to sit on it, but James Packer’s face becomes sort of pretty when you picture it as a giant, gold, sparkly dollar sign. Blow a goodbye air kiss at Orlando’s pretty face and climb that ladder, you shameless bitch.

Here’s Miranda, Orlando and their kid in NYC a few nights ago.

Pics: Splash

Miley Cyrus Tries The “Bitch, Where Are Your Brows?” Look

Miley Cyrus’ name hasn’t dropped out of the internet’s mouth for about a minute, so in order to get hos talking about her again, she grabbed a box of Sally Hansen stache bleach, smeared it all over her brows and waited until she looked like an albino leopard gecko on Oxy and meth. (SPOILER ALERT: The albino leopard gecko works the “no brows” look better.)

Both Lily Allen and Miranda Kerr did Miley’s dirty work for her by Instagramming pictures of them next to her looking like a pimple on a bleached anus. Miley bleached her brows for a photo shoot and you can let your retinas know that they can stop hyperventilating, because the shoot wasn’t with Uncle Terry. Although, I have heard that a quick way to get the “no brows” look is to let Uncle Terry bust a cottage cheese cum load on your face. Your brow hairs will jump ship before the first drop leaves his peen slit. Other symptoms of getting an Uncle Terry facial include the permanent loss of eyesight, dignity and the ability to stop heaving.

Being a major fan of eyebrows and all the beauty they bring, I’m not usually into the Clorox or no brows look, but some have pulled it off beautifully (see: the albino leopard gecko, Voldemort, aliens, that Dragon Tattoo chick (the American one), out-of-drag drag queens and morning cholitas without their brows drawn on yet). But this bitch can’t pull this off. This looks like a still from The Hills Have TONGUES. Bitch looks like some kind of mutant backwoods cave creature that only feeds on meth, dead bats and human organs. Cyst, come and get your daughter.

But on a positive note, at least her brows match her furry, nasty tongue now.

After the jump are pictures of No Browz Miley with Lily Allen and Miranda Kerr. Continue reading

BREAKING NEWS: Miranda Kerr May Or May Not Photoshop Pictures of Herself Before Posting Them To Instagram

“Which tool do I use to erase Alessandra Ambrosio’s fat ass out of this picture? Is it Blur or Clone Stamp?” – Miranda Kerr

The Daily Mail must have pulled Woodward and Bernstein out of retirement and had detectives on this case for months now, because they’ve finally broken a real ESCANDALO news story that’s about to shatter everything you know about the modelling world. According to a real eagle-eyed reporter at The Daily Mail, there’s evidence that former Victoria’s Secret model and full-time hongray-looking Kewpie Doll Miranda Kerr Photoshops pictures of herself to look slimmer before posting them to Instagram.

Suspicions were confirmed when Kerr posted an edited picture of herself, along with Doutzen Kroes and Alessandra Ambrosio, backstage at last year’s Victoria’s Secret fashion show. However, Kerr forgot that she had posted the original picture one year ago. Super snoops then placed both pictures side by side and it was evident that there was heavy manipulation done to the most recent picture, particularly around Miranda Kerr’s waist, making it appear much smaller than the original.

I know this must be difficult to comprehend; I myself am still having trouble coming to grips with the idea that a model (OF ALL PEOPLE) would be so vain as to make their waist even smaller for a picture-sharing iPhone app. So far, Miranda has yet to address the issue, but an outcry of Instagram commenters prove that the public DEMANDS ANSWERS.

I’ll have you know that Michael K isn’t the only one with a long, glamorous history of modelling. Back in the day, I had a very lucrative career as a hair model, and not for boring shit like magazines or shampoo commercials. I’m talking the big time; live styling demos at convention centre hair shows. And I was damn good, too. My main look was ‘Trying not to address the crippling reality of this nonsense’ but I was also pretty good at ‘Even I know this won’t lead to something better‘. I WAS THE MASTER. A particular highlight was modelling Kelly Clarkson streaks as a grimy stylist in butt-hugging $300 bedazzled jeans (this was 2004, after all) named Kennyth texturized choppy layers into my hair while a remix of Eric Prydz’s Call on Me was played at a deafeningly-loud level on repeat for 25 minutes. You’re probably thinking: “I hope the money was good.” I wouldn’t know; I was paid in styling products. I NEVER SAID I WAS SMART.

(Pic via Instagram)

Elizabeth Olsen Replaces Ashley As Mary-Kate’s Date, Looks Thrilled While Doing So

Whenever I see pictures from ~fashun~ events, a cold sense of fear covers my body and a creepier, a cappella version of the Troll Song crawls into my ears, because Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen are usually there together looking like two giddy, little evil bridge urchins who are about to ask you to solve an unsolvable riddle. But a strange thing happened at the CFDA Fashion Awards in NYC last night. Ashley Olsen was not there!

Did an enchanted forest giant accidentally stomp on Ashley while she was collecting mushrooms to make a potion with? Was she a guest at that red wedding shit? Did Gandalf get her when she was trying to snatch Bilbo Baggins with her fellow goblins? Did her housekeeper once again mistake her for a greasy hairball that fell out of a cat’s mouth and vacuum her up? Whatever the case may be, Ashley Olsen was not there last night. Ashley and MK’s younger sister Elizabeth Olsen showed up in her place and made the face anybody would make if they had to pose next to a Trollsen while dressed like a warlock priest.

Elizabeth Olsen tried, but she just can’t prune as good as her sisters can. What’s really disturbing is that Mary-Kate can prune even when Ashley isn’t next to her. I thought their prune powers were only activated when they were standing next each other? I guess not. We should all be scared by this.

Here’s a few pictures from last night’s CFDA Fashion Awards, which are like the Golden Globes to the Met Gala’s Oscars. In order after the Olsens: Miranda Kerr, Zang Toi (wearing Kanye West’s next stage outfit), Betsey Johnson, Sofia Vergara, Nicole Richie, Ethan Hawke, Michelle Harper (thank the lord a Kardashian wasn’t there or they would’ve fucked that black rod on Michelle’s head), Zachary Quinto, Jessica Chastain, Linda Evangelista, Ireland Baldwin, Karolina Kurkova, Adriana Lima, Juliette Lewis, Jess from Girls (bitch, you ain’t Martha Graham), Rooney Mara and Kerry Washington.

Gerard Butler Doesn’t Want You To See Pictures Of Him Talking To Miranda Kerr

At a screening of The Great Gatsby in NYC on Tuesday night, noted slut whore Gerard Butler was seen talking to de-winged Victoria’s Secret angel and Orlando Bloom’s wife Miranda Kerr for a few minutes. When photographers took pictures of Gerard and Miranda sharing words with each other, he asked them to kindly delete the pictures or he’d screw every single one of their husbands or wives and when they look down at the freshly bloomed genital wart on their husbands or wives’ crotch, they’ll think of him!

Page Six says that Gerard must’ve known one of the photographers on a friendly level, because when he asked the dude to erase the pictures, they “high-fived and bro-hugged.” The source also says that Miranda was SMILING while talking to Gerard for 20 minutes.

What does it all mean?!!!!!!!!!!?!!!!!

Whatever, can’t a married woman smile while talking to a certified slut for 20 minutes without a bunch of nosy hos thinking that something (read: his dick) is up? Yeah, no, not when it’s Gerard Butler we’re talking about. Something is always up when he’s talking to a chick. I bet that in those 20 minutes, they boned 3 different ways, cuddled, shared a cigarette and boned 2 other different ways without anybody noticing. The Butler is that smooth. The Butler is that stealth.

And you know when Gerard Butler and that photog “bro-hugged”? Yeah, his dick did the reach-under anal move. He’s that good.

Andre Leon Talley Leads The Fuckery Parade At The MET Gala

Andre Leon Talley is the most influential person in the fashion world (as Tyra Banks tells us every single week on America’s Next Top Model) and he really didn’t disappoint at last night’s MET Costume Gala last night when he floated onto the red carpet like the ethereal gay dream version of some University’s mascot. You can tell that when his farts billow through that gown, they smell like blueberries dipped in melted grape chapstick. When ALT is done with that old gown, he can donate it to the entire graduating class (EVERY SCHOOL) of 2011! There’s room in there for all of them.

The Vixen of Vogue wasn’t the only trick who served scalding hot fuckery on a plate of fuckery last night. There were others who made it their night’s goal to summon a wave of WTF faces from the photographers. They would not let ALT be the only one. No, they would not!

Wednesday Addams snatched this shit from the rack marked “Morticia’s freakum dresses” in The Addams Family costume closet many years ago and she’s been waiting for the day to wear it.

Kate Hudson’s dress is pretty normal, but that crap on her head looks like a rhinestone sea urchin that crawled out of Andre Leon’s Talley’s glitter hole and found a new home on her hair.

Miranda Kerr’s mess of a dress is like Lara Flynn Boyle’s balleriNO look meets the White Swan meets Mimi’s slutty bridal gown costume.

Ashley Olsen brings us the news that Brenda Walsh’s prom dress moved to Switzerland and got a morning job as a milk maid.

Christina Hendricks… Christina Hendricks… Christina Hendricks… I’m just going to focus on the beautiful pair of sunrise chichis and then move right along before I get rust poisoning.

A slew of ICANTS go to Fuggie Fug, Freida Pinto, Kristen Stewart, Marc Jacobs, Robert Duffy and Serena Williams (who thinks she’s at a HoJo’s Royal Wedding party).

Lastly, I can’t say one mean thing about Basement Baby’s look. Beyonce accidentally left a bag of Cost Plus impulse buys in front of the basement door and Solange made a DRESS out of them. Not a dress, but a DRESS! No comment on the make-up which makes her look like a constipated lady bug.