I guess it’s really true that you shouldn’t judge a book by its bland, nerdy cover. Because if you told me to take a look at Thomas Middleditch from Silicon Valley and guess what he’s into sex-wise, I’d say that he’s into whatever position that allows him to continue to play his video games while keeping his shirt on. But according to Thomas, he’s a non-traditional kind of fuck freak whose peen gets the yawns from visiting one cooch. Thomas has come out as a swinger in an interview with Playboy and says that it has saved his marriage. Everything I know about hetero-swinging I learned from HBO’s Real Sex in the 90s, so I’m picturing 37-year-old Thomas Middleditch in nothing but a black leather vest banging some middle-aged midwestern housewife named Nancy while his wife sexes on Nancy’s mullet-wearing husband Bill under some colored strobe lights as Pump Up The Jam plays in the background.
Thomas is in Godzilla: King of Monsters, and Playboy’s Ryan Gajewski mentioned that Thomas, his wife of 4 years Mollie Gates, and one of the movie’s writers visited a swingers club during production. Ryan asked if Thomas and Mollie were familiar with the swinging scene. Thomas started with, “I don’t know how much I can say, because I don’t want my wife to be mad at me,” so that would’ve been a good time for him to excuse himself to text his wife and ask her if it’s okay to tell everyone that they spend their weekend nights fucking Nancy and Bill as Pump Up The Jam plays in the background. But Thomas went on and said that after he and Mollie married, he let her know that their sex life wasn’t going to be your run-of-the-mill “do missionary sex on Friday nights before Dateline” shit.
Only after I got married was I like, “Mollie, I’m sorry, but we have to get nontraditional here.” To her credit, instead of saying “Fuck you, I’m out,” she was like, “Let’s figure this out.” To be honest, swinging has saved our marriage. We have different speeds, and we argue over it constantly, but it’s better than feeling unheard and alone and that you have to scurry in the shadows.
Okay, but isn’t that something you should talk about before you make a legal commitment to each other? Or maybe make it part of your vows like, “I promise to love and cherish you, but honestly, you’re going to have to let me fuck Nancy as you bust a reverse cowgirl on Bill next to us.”
Thomas also checked us old-fashioned hos who get our info about swinging from Real Sex. Thomas said that the term “swinging” is ancient and it’s now called being “part of the lifestyle.” Ryan asked Thomas if he’s always been interested in “the lifestyle.” He hasn’t, but says he’s always been really sexual.
I’d always thought I was a romantic and that when I fall in love, that stuff fades away. It does for some years—enough to be like, “I should get married, and I’ll be different.” But it’s part of me. If that’s part of your being and it feels important to you, find a way to explore it, because repression sucks.
Like many couples who have an open relationship or are swingers, Thomas and Mollie have rules. They only play together, but it sounds like Thomas is sometimes into taking Nancy, Nancy’s friend Bonnie, and a string of anal beads to the sex swing room away from Mollie and Bill, but Mollie has her limits.
For anything sexual—whether in terms of the sex act or identity or kink—you want to know where the walls of the box are. Mollie and I have created our own rules, and compared to most of the people we’ve met who do this kind of shit, our rules are strict. We’re not off on our own; we’re together, a unit. It’s a perpetual state of management and communication, to the point where it’s like, “All right, we’ve got to stop. Chill.” I’m gas, and she’s brakes. This is actually the premise for a comedy series we’re writing together.
Thomas isn’t into the Eyes Wide Shut part of swinging (although, he’s been to those kinds of parties) and considers himself a “pretty vanilla, cis-hetero.” Thomas is okay with being the face and crotch of swinging, but says his wife Mollie is more private, and that ultimately, she’s the boss of their sex life.
That’s the forever-changing landscape in our relationship, because it’s about everybody feeling safe. The internet is a possibility for meeting people, but Instagram fucks up marriages. If your partner brings this very forward person from Instagram to you, you’ll be like, “Do you guys have a thing?” Whereas if your partner bumps into someone and they start a conversation, it all happens in front of you. It’s a game of inches on a minefield to try to predict who’s going to feel safe. My first concern is Mollie. Anything that happens has to be run by the queen.
Yes, Thomas runs everything by his “queen” except for letting her know before getting married that he wants to fuck others. That said, whatever works for them, but I’d be pissed if I was Mollie and Thomas told me he wanted to swing after we made it legal. I’d be like, “Bitch, you mean to tell me that instead of just doing boring sex with you, I could’ve been doing an orgasm circle with Nancy, Bonnie, and Bill at a swingers camp in Minnesota DURING our engagement.” I told you, everything I know about swinging I learned from Real Sex, and now I’m sad that the shitty prudes at HBO pulled all episodes and I can’t watch the swingers camp one. Thanks for reminding me of that, Thomas.