I spent a good portion of my morning recovering from a severe case of the vapors after I opened up Instagram and scrolled past Kumail Nanjiani’s airtight thirst trap. Kumail revealed himself with a shirtless photo to celebrate his recent physical transformation from “regular guy” to “lord Jesus its a fire.” Good thing I was already in bed because when I saw that shit I heard something inside my body go “pop” and proceeded to pass the fuck out. When I came to, I finally understood what people mean when they say “when I finally (fill in the blank), it’s over for you bitches.” In this instance, whether he warned us or not, Kumail went and got ripped for his role in The Eternals, and I’m the bitch it’s over for. My condolations to his wife Emily V. Gordon on this rare occasion where both congratulations and condolences are in order.
Kumail started his career as a somewhat nebbish stand-up comedian with a comedy special called Beta Male, then went on to costar in HBO’s Silicon Valley. In 2017 he was nominated for an Oscar for the screenplay of his autobiographical movie The Big Sick. Now he’s going to be in The Eternals which is already verging on too sexy given his costars include hot heap ‘O haggis Richard Madden and Salma Hayek‘s world hunger-ending chichis. It’s a good thing rumors of Keanu Reeves joining the cast haven’t seemed to pan out, saving us from a devastating increase in global temperature and immediately plunging us into a climate crisis we’d never recover from. As it stands, Kumail probably only killed a couple of polar bears with this post.
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I never thought I’d be one of those people who would post a thirsty shirtless, but I’ve worked way too hard for way too long so here we are. You either die a hero, or you live long enough to see yourself become the villain. I found out a year ago I was going to be in Marvel’s Eternals and decided I wanted to transform how I looked. I would not have been able to do this if I didn’t have a full year with the best trainers and nutritionists paid for by the biggest studio in the world. I’m glad I look like this, but I also understand why I never did before. It would have been impossible without these resources and time. So big thanks to @grantrobertsfit who started working with me at the beginning of the year and made me understand true physical pain for months and months. Then, once we started shooting, a massive thanks to @davidhigginslondon and his team (@ellispartridge, @thebeardypt, @tomcheesemanfitness) for training me almost every day and making me strong, limber and injury free. I can almost touch my toes now. (And thank you for forcing me to do cheat meals David.) Matthews Street Catering for their delicious and healthy meals. And finally, the biggest thanks goes to @emilyvgordon for putting up with me complaining and talking about only working out and dieting for the last year. I promise I’ll be interesting again some day. #thirstyshirtless (Photo by @markupson.) (edit: I left off one very important person: @lancecallahan who trained me for 6 years and helped me build the foundation I could use to do this. Thank you!)
In case you’ve gone temporarily word blind and couldn’t see past Kumail’s aerial view of Los Angeles freeways veins, in his caption, he explained how much work went into his transformation saying “I would not have been able to do this if I didn’t have a full year with the best trainers and nutritionists paid for by the biggest studio in the world.” He also apologized to Emily for “complaining and talking about only working out and dieting for the last year,” much, I’m sure, to the chagrin of Katherine Schwarzenegger.
Kumail’s transformation isn’t a huge shock. It was obvious to anyone who watched the final season of Silicon Valley that Kumail wasn’t just stuffing the sleeves of his polo shirts with Honey Baked hams. Even at the cast announcement for The Eternals that happened at the D23 Expo back in August, Kumail was already asking a lot from poor shirt sleeves.
According to IGN, Kumail will be playing the character Kingo Sunen, who is “an Eternal from a small mountainous village in 16th century Japan” in the comic books, and apparently two quizzical eyebrows attached to a veiny greased up man-beast in the movie.