These Two Are Somebody’s Parents

When a yodeling Disney twink with poodle hair and his Haylie Duff-looking ass beard wife want a baby to pimp out on their reality show, he jacks off into a plastic cup while putting his Sean Cody membership to good use and nine months later out will come their little adorable cover of People Magazine. That’s exactly the explanation you should give to your kids when they ask you how the first Jonas baby was made. Kevin Jonas’ wife Danielle Jonas pushed out their first kid, a little girl, today and he of course he live-tweeted the entire thing, because he’d rather busy himself by typing out words onto his iPhone instead of staring at a cooch live and in person. Since Kevin and Danielle will always find a way to #getmoneybitch, his live-tweets were sponsored by Dreft laundry detergent.

#babyjonas is on the way!! Follow dreft for all the updates!!!!!!!!! It's showtime #thisisnotadrill http://t.co/B2DuLnyDJY

— kevin jonas (@kevinjonas) February 2, 2014

I'm so excited #BabyJonasIsComing

— kevin jonas (@kevinjonas) February 2, 2014

Here we go we're pushing!!!! #babyjonas

— kevin jonas (@kevinjonas) February 2, 2014

On this day, a little star was born. Meet Alena Rose Jonas. #BabyJonas pic.twitter.com/Wm0LoXDwCb

— Dreft (@Dreft) February 2, 2014

That might be the first time I’ve ever seen a non-Kardashian baby say, “Was my fucking birth really sponsored by a laundry detergent?” with her eyes.

And Kevin stopped live-tweeting after that “push” tweet, because he made the mistake of staring at Danielle’s twat during crowning. He later woke up in an emergency room bed next to a nurse who told him that he blacked out after staring at his wife’s cooch and security is searching the hospital for his dick and ass lips, because they seemed to have quit his body.

(Pic: FitPregnancy via JJJ)

Is The Bad Shit The Reason Why The Jonas Brothers Killed Their Tour?

When the Jonas Brothers’ manager dried up the coochies of their fans by announcing that their 19-date tour wasn’t going to happen, many of us figured it was because they didn’t want to play to venues as empty as Kevin Jonas’ stomach after he throws everything up from seeing his wife’s bare twat. The JoBros’ manager blamed the tour’s cancellation on the brothers fighting over which direction their music should go. But for the past few days, Joe Jonas has been seen with a dude who is a known addiction specialist and helped Demi Lovato dry up.

TMZ says the dude’s name is Mike Bayer and he’s the founder and CEO of Cast Recovery Services. Last night in L.A., Mike, Joe and Kevin left Lindsay Lohan’s rehab facility of choice, Chateau Marmont, together. Blind Gossip claims that the bad shit is fucking with Joe’s life and during the past year he’s been skipping after the dragon by doing heroin with his girlfriend Blanda Eggenschwiler. (Warning: If you happen to be reading this at a German restaurant, don’t say that name out loud unless you want to order the brunch special.)

A source told Blind Gossip that Joe’s dad knows about his problem with heroin, but doesn’t want him to go to rehab, because he’s afraid that it will ruin the group’s “wholesome” image and fans will turn against them. Joe finally went against his daddy’s wishes and told him he was taking his ass to rehab. The group’s team spun it to make it look like they were canceling the tour due to “creative differences.”

Daddy Jonas must be snorting, smoking, injecting, fucking, sucking, eating and swallowing heroin himself if he thinks that his little money makers still have a wholesome image and that fans would be surprised by this. You’re in the minority if you were part of the Disney whore machine and weren’t a total mess at least once in your life. Drug dealers regularly watch the Disney Channel to get to know their future clients. Disney fucks kids up and all of us have known that for centuries.

And if Joe isn’t addicted to the bad shit, he has a funny way of shooting down the rumors. Because coming out of Chateau Marmont with strung out eyes and a Jim Morrison t-shirt on your body is one way to say, “I love drugs!”

Pics: Pacific Coast News

These Two Actually Made A Baby Together

I don’t know how it happened and I don’t even think Kevin Jonas knows how it happened, but it happened. The littlest purity ring is being made right now for the Jonas spawn growing inside of Danielle Jonas’ womb. Kevin and his Haylie Duff-faced wife of 3 years Danielle told E! that in a few months she’s going to birth out a baby whose first thought will be, “Seriously, how the fuck did this happen?!” Kevin said these words to E!’s Giuliana Rancic:

“I was overjoyed. It’s been the most exciting thing in my life so far. I’m excited and I’m nervous.”

How does Kevin Jonas make a baby with his wife who’s a woman with woman parts? How does that happen? They probably turned off all the lights, cut a hole in the sheet and after he accidentally poked her in the belly button, he started to cry and so she handed him an empty turkey baster, an iPad full of Sean Cody videos and told him to have fun while she watched Say Yes to the Dress. And that is how a Jonas baby is made!

Congratulations to Kevin! Congratulations to Danielle! And congratulations to the turkey baster for a job well done!