Category: Kenneth Branagh

Armie Hammer Is Not In Any Of The Character Posters For “Death On The Nile” And Is Only Briefly In The New Trailer

January 12, 2022 / Posted by:

Death On The Nile is out on February 11th only in theatres and a new special look trailer has been released, as have character posters for all the major players–EXCEPT ONE! You guessed it, alleged predator and abuser, Armie Hammer, is noticeably missing from the character posters, despite being part of the main cast and playing Gal Gadot‘s newly married husband. But apart from that screen-grab from the trailer above, he’s been erased from most of the movie’s marketing.

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The Release Of “Death On The Nile” Has Been Pushed To 2022

March 24, 2021 / Posted by:

We’ve had a whole year’s worth of headlines about movie releases getting pushed back and other films getting dumped onto the most relevant streaming service, all due to COVID-19. And while some movie theaters are beginning to open back up, the movie-going industry is still messier than the reviews of Doolittle. So it shouldn’t shock anyone that the release of Death on the Nile, the follow-up to 2017’s Murder on the Orient Express, has been moved again, this time to February 11, 2022. Oh, did I forget to mention that Death on the Nile stars Armie Hammer? Hmmm…I wonder why they suddenly decided to wait a whole year before releasing this movie? Interesting.

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Emma Thompson’s Husband Thought He Was Supposed To Marry Kate Winslet

January 28, 2020 / Posted by:

It sounds like Emma Thompson and her husband Greg Wise clearly belonged at Camille Grammer’s Real Housewives Of Beverly Hills season 1 dinner party from Hell because they, too, know a witch who can see into the future just like clairvoyant Allison DuBois! Emma says her man hung out with a psychic friend just before going to work on Sense & Sensibility, and the friend predicted he’d meet his future wife on the set of the film. Now, Emma was also in the movie, but she was married at the time. Greg didn’t think he’d wind up with her. He just assumed Kate was the future Mrs. Wise!

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The Real Star Of The Trailer For “Murder On The Orient Express” Is Kenneth Branagh’s Magnificent Silver Stache And Pussy Patch 

June 1, 2017 / Posted by:

Poirot purists (Poirists?) are screaming blasphemy today, because the trailer for the new Murder on the Orient Express movie is out and Kenneth Branagh’s ridiculous Poirot look is all wrong. While I love Kenneth Branagh’s grey Wilford Brimley-on-roids mustache and the porn star grandma’s crotch patch on his chin, many don’t. Some Agatha Christie fans don’t want a Poirot not named David Suchet, let alone a Poirot who looks like a shapeshifting human who is about 5% into shapeshifting into a fluffy grey cat. I guess some can’t appreciate a stache that looks like two streams of hairy snot coming out of a nose.

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Well, At Least The Cinderella Trailer’s Got A Ginger Cate Blanchett In It

November 19, 2014 / Posted by:

Here’s the trailer for Disney’s live-action Cinderella and it’s pretty much the cartoon acted about by humans, CGI mice and wigs. It looks like they didn’t change a thing. Kenneth Branagh, who directed this, coughed up an exact adaptation and he also crammed in as many actors from Games of Thrones and Downton Abbey as possible. Just when Cinderella couldn’t take one more actor from GoT or Downton Abbey, he shoved one more in there. (And yes, I just realized what I typed.)

I know the story of Cinderella is burned deep into our brains like the image of Chyna’s clitorpeen is, but this trailer is the movie on speed. They give everything away. You almost don’t need to spend $45 and a kidney (or however much a movie ticket is these days) to sip canned wine from a paper bag in a darkened theater while surrounded by a bunch of brats and their parents loudly talking at the screen. The trailer shows you the whole movie!

There’s Cinderella (played by Lily James) looking all bland, boring, needy and whiny. Prince Charming (played by the King in the North from GoT who is ready for your red wedding jokes) looking all neanderthal-ey and constipated. There’s Kenneth Branagh’s former piece Helena Bonham Carter looking like a Marilyn Monroe Marie Antoinette. And finally, there’s Cate Blanchett who adds a touch of glamorous evil to that fondue pot of boring. Cate Blanchett is cutting bitches with those sharpened shiv brows and she’s giving me Phoebe Price in the cheek area. I even love that her costumes are something Mildred Pierce would wear to a Scarlett O’Hara costume party. I just hope that she stays regally cunty from beginning to end and doesn’t pull a Maleficent (SPOILER ALERT) by growing a heart. It’s always a sad day for bitches when an iconic villain starts feeling things.

Emma Thompson Forgives Helena Bonham Carter For Being Kenneth Branagh’s Side Piece

November 12, 2013 / Posted by:

Looking at that picture again, it’s obvious that Emma Thompson is saying to Helena Bonham Carter, “….why you little home wrecking hussy whore, I can smell my husband’s musty nutsack on your bref from here,” while a blurry evil stepmother-like bad influence on HBC’s shoulder says to her, “Fuck her, get that uncut dick, honey.” It all makes sense now.

All they back in 1995, Emma Thompson and Kenneth Branagh’s marriage died and the rumor was that it ended after she found out he stuck his wayward dick in Helena Bonham Carter’s crumpet. At the time, Emma and Kenneth were married for 6 years and she had worked with HBC in Howard’s End. Kenneth then did Emma wrong by doing HBC while shooting Frankenstein and the two stayed together until 1999. Emma hasn’t really talked about how she was the British Jennifer Aniston of her time, but in the Sunday Times (via The Daily Mail) she says that she forgives HBC and the two made nice years ago.

On letting go of any rage she felt for HBC: “You can’t hold on to anything like that. It’s pointless. I haven’t got the energy for it. Helena and I made our peace years and years ago.”

On how she used her hurt feelings to play a wronged wife in Love Actually: “I’ve had so much bloody practice at crying in a bedroom, then having to go out and be cheerful, gathering up the pieces of my heart and putting them in a drawer.”

On how she and HBC are kind of alike: “Being slightly mad and a bit fashion-challenged. Perhaps that’s why Ken loved us both. She’s a wonderful woman, Helena.”

Emma probably blessed Kenneth and HBC with her forgiveness after she made DanRad, Emma Watson and the ginger one hold them down while she choked them out on the Harry Potter set. But seriously, yes, Emma Thompson is a shiny jewel lying on top of life’s greatest treasures, but it’s probably semi-easy to forgive Helena Bonham Carter and that whore Kenneth Branagh when you can wipe your tears with Greg Wise’s dick almost anytime you want.

And the real story here is that we haven’t given HBC the credit she truly deserves. HBC scooted on Kenneth Branagh’s married peen and she supposedly got on Tim Burton when he was engaged to Lisa Marie. I’ve always said that Sienna Miller is the home wrecking hero of Britain when HBC passed her sledgehammer baton to Sienna. Forgive me for not knowing my British home wrecking history, HBC!

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