The Real Star Of The Trailer For “Murder On The Orient Express” Is Kenneth Branagh’s Magnificent Silver Stache And Pussy Patch 

June 1, 2017 / Posted by:

Poirot purists (Poirists?) are screaming blasphemy today, because the trailer for the new Murder on the Orient Express movie is out and Kenneth Branagh’s ridiculous Poirot look is all wrong. While I love Kenneth Branagh’s grey Wilford Brimley-on-roids mustache and the porn star grandma’s crotch patch on his chin, many don’t. Some Agatha Christie fans don’t want a Poirot not named David Suchet, let alone a Poirot who looks like a shapeshifting human who is about 5% into shapeshifting into a fluffy grey cat. I guess some can’t appreciate a stache that looks like two streams of hairy snot coming out of a nose.

Kenneth Branagh plays Hercule Poirot and also directed a cast that includes Dame Judi Dench, Michelle Pfeiffer, Willem Dafoe, Penelope Cruz, master earpiece thespian Johnny Depp, Daisy Ridley, Josh Gad, Leslie Odom Jr., Derek Jacobi, Lucy Boynton and Olivia Colman. That spectacularly crazy mustache wig and that chin toupee are the stars of the trailer, but also featured are (SPOILER ALERT) Johnny Depp’s blood-curdling murder screams (they probably got him to scream like that by spraying him with soapy water) and a really out-of-place Imagine Dragons song. Either they’re trying to be really ~hIP~ by throwing a modern song into a period piece, or it’s modern day and they’re all at an old-timey-themed murder mystery dinner on a train.

And it’s obvious that in this one, the stache is the murderer and the pussy patch is its accomplice.

Pic: YouTube

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