Here’s The Celebrities Who Were At The Royal Wedding 

True story: It was rainy and overcast in London today and just when everyone was about to sing (in their best Alanis Morissette voice), “It’s like raaaaaaaain on your wedding day,” to Meghan Markle, the clouds cleared, the sky turned blue and then sun came out when Oprah appeared!

Oprah was one of the first to show up at St. George’s Chapel for the royal wedding today, which made many brains poot out a “Que?” There’s a rumor that Oprah interviewed Meghan’s mother Doria Ragland, so some think that’s why she was invited to the wedding. But excuse you, while us regular humans may need an invitation to attend something like the royal wedding, Oprah doesn’t. Oprah just shows up and sits wherever she wants. I’d like to see one of those tricks ask Oprah if they can see her invitation. Their skin would end up embedded into the concrete after a lightning bolt from the heavens flattened them.

Oprah pretty much led the non-stop parade of stars that made it through that church today. There were so many celebrities that I thought diabolical red carpet gnome Ryan Seacrest was going to pop up with a mic to asks guests who they’re wearing, I mean, ask them awkwardly worded questions about #MeToo. Warning: Lots of celebrities went to today’s wedding so there’s lot of pictures to scroll through. So stretch your finger, put a workout belt on it, and keep a bottle of water handy for when it gets the heated sweats halfway through and needs to cool off.

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Joss, You In Danger, Girl

Two 30-something men were arrested outside of Joss Stone’s house in England on Monday after police got a call about a “suspicious vehicle” trolling around the neighborhood. The suspicious vehicle was a Fiat. (Note: If you’re going to partake in evil and shady schemes in a fancy neighborhood, don’t do it in a Fiat.) When the police searched the vehicle, they found a bunch of shit that would make Kevin Costner’s character in The Bodyguard SHUT IT DOWN and order everybody to a desolate cabin in the woods.

The cops found two swords, rope, a body bag, maps and aerial photos of Joss Stone’s house. No, they were not planning on catching a wild turkey (with the rope), butchering it for a meal (with the two swords) and serving it to Joss on a waterproof picnic blanket (the body bag). Two swords, rope and a body bag can only mean one thing: MURDER PLOT! Did you read me, right? I typed: MURDER PLOT. This is the only acceptable reaction:

It is not known whether Joss was home at the time. The police wouldn’t confirm the MURDER PLOT to BBC News but they are investigating it.

“Officers attended the area at around 1000 BST and subsequently arrested the occupants of a red Fiat Punto. Major crime detectives are continuing to investigate. Our officers are currently carrying out reassurance patrols and it’s important to stress that no properties have been burgled and no individuals have been harmed.”

Yes, I too read that as “Fiat Puto” and the images created by my brain will stay with me all day.

This is terrifying and Joss should surround herself with an army of Sean Beans, but TWO SWORDS? Who let the fanboys out of mom’s basement? They do realize that Joss played Anne of Cleves in The Tudors and not Anne Boleyn?

Stay safe, Joss! And for once in your life, put on some damn shoes! Nike Airs, preferably. You can’t outrun two sword-wielding crazies if your ass is barefoot! Now is not the time to be a hippie!