Joe Jonas And Bland Eggs’ Long-Term Contract Expired

August 5, 2014 / Posted by:

Dear aspiring beards, immediately update your headshot with Kelly Preston’s Beard Placement Agency, because Joe Jonas is back out on the stroll now that he’s done with the Swedish model/graphic designer whose name sounds like the name of a character McDonald’s invented to sell their McEggs Benedict, or like the name of a dirty, messy sex act involving unsalted egg whites and a fist.

UsWeekly says that 24-year-old Joe Jonas and 30-year-old Blanda Eggenschwiler (whose name translates into “egg white omelet hold the salt” in the Norrland dialect) are over after almost 2 years together. It’s a sad day for the meaning of true love when Joe Jonas and a beard can’t come to an agreement during contract re-negotiations. Bland Eggs and Joe Jonas met through a “mutual friend”  in November 2012. Joe’s rep confirms to UsWeekly that he shaved Bland Eggs off of his face. The rep also spit out the same canned, generic response that every spokewhore spits out when a famous ho breaks up with their piece:

“Joe and Blanda have mutually decided to part ways. The split was amicable and the two remain friends, with great respect for one another.”

Some source tells E! that Joe and Bland Eggs broke up, because they wanted to do new things and that’s WAY too easy.

“It was mutual. They both wanted to do new things. Joe wants to be single right now and they thought it was better if they are just friends.”

While Joe and Bland Eggs were together, Blind Gossip hocked up blind item after blind item about how he’s a dragon-chasing heroin addict and she’s his supplier. I always side-eyed those blind items, because Joe Jonas’ eyebrows have always been as luscious as a black bear’s landing strip and doesn’t heroin eat your eyebrows first? Or am I confusing it with meth?

But seriously, they had a good run and they should’ve broken up after that sex tape rumor, because their relationship peaked when we all pictured Bland Eggs doing Joe Jonas with a long, fat dildo as he bit onto his purity ring.

And Bland Eggs should date and marry Arnold Schwarzenegger next, so her name can be Blanda Eggenschwiler-Schwarzenegger

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