Miley Cyrus Got Another Tattoo In Honor Of One Of Her Passed-Away Pets

It’s a sad day at the Horny Chipmunk Compound; according to several sad Instagram posts, Miley Cyrus’ beloved pet blowfish Pablow has swum up (down?) to Fishy Heaven. Frankly, I wasn’t aware that Miley Cyrus even had a blowfish. But she did, and just hours after his tragic passing, she picked herself up from wherever on the floor she had collapsed into a pile of sticky icky sadness, put on her best black lace nipple veils, and went down to the Shamrock Social Club to honor Pablow’s memory with a tattoo of his likeness.

This is the second time Miley has gotten a tattoo in honor of a deceased pet, the first being the one she got of Floyd back in July. Except this time it doesn’t look like it was done using an old sewing needle and a stolen bottle of expired liquid eyeliner by a middle-aged tweaker high on home-made bath salts, so that’s nice.

I’ve been the owner of an awful lot of fishies, some of which made it to the ripe old age of 2, but I’ve never thought to get a tattoo of any of them when they died. But it’s actually a surprisingly cute tribute for someone whose funeral probably took place in a toilet. Plus, I knew nothing about Pablow The Fish, but I already love Pablow The Tattoo so much. Never have I seen a more perfectly confused “The fuck am I even doing here?” face. I bet it’s the same face the ghost of Pablow made when he saw his likeness permanently drawn on his former owner’s arm.

And Miley hasn’t released an official cause of death, but $10 that shady coyote who took out Floyd has something to do with it.

Pic: Instagram

Reeeeeunited And it Feels So Gooooood

The Tonight Show has been filming all week in Los Angeles, and last night Jimmy Fallon kicked whatever random Disney channel show is currently shooting in the old halls of Bayside High (Frankenstein Junior High or iDoug & Jaxxon or some such bullshit) and held a mini Saved by the Bell reunion. Everyone was there! Zack! Kelly! Mr. Belding! Nomi Malone! AC Slater! Well, almost everyone – I guess they also forgot to invite Lisa Turtle. Or maybe Lark Voorhies was there, but she had to bail last minute because she couldn’t remember her lines. And we all know Dustin Diamond couldn’t make it, because he’s too busy pulling switchblades on people in Wisconsin.

But the people who count matter! And I’d like to know the name of the creepy gypsy woman they bought their anti-aging potions from, because the only person who looks like they’ve gained any years is Mark-Paul Gosselaar. But Tiffani-Amber Thiessen, Elizabeth Berkley, and Mario Lopez could legitimately play teenagers again. Well, that is if one of the teenagers was actually a 41-year-old undercover cop posing as a teenager, one always looked like an adult even when they were playing a teenager, and one has been eating HGH sandwiches for lunch every day.

And is weird to say Mark-Paul Gosselaar as Zack can still get it, despite the fact that he looks like he aged into a dude who spends all day hanging out in the Bayside parking lot in his Pontiac Sunfire blaring Right Said Fred’s I’m Too Sexy?

Once Again, Lupita Nyong’o Shows The Red Carpet How It’s Done

You know you’re a legend-in-the-making when you roll up to the SAG Awards and serve up a hot slice of red carpet eleganza better than the SAG Awards red carpet itself. I bet the red carpet spent the rest of the night hissing “That bitch stole my look!” to anyone who would listen before finally accepting the fact that Lupita Nyong’o did it better. Bitch color-coordinated her dress to everything around her! That’s commitment.

Yes, technically Lupita’s dress is a typical fancy awards show dress, but it also sort of looks like what I imagine Beetlejuice’s prom date wore to the Netherworld High prom, or a piece of avant-garde Christmas wrapping paper. Lupita’s dress looks like the curtains Maria would use to make power suits for the von Trapp children if they ever remade The Sound of Music and set it in 1984. But more than anything, it reminds me a piece of goth Fruit Stripe gum, and I love it, because I love goths and I love Fruit Stripe gum.

Also, it’s got one of those huge-ass skirts you can sit with your legs wide open in all night and won’t show wine stains, which always gets two ketchup chip crumb-covered thumbs up from a slob like me.

Here’s more of Lupita working it out on the red carpet, as well as Emma Stone (whose shady goth real estate agent dress tried to take out Naomi Watts), a My Little Victoria Pony-looking Lorelei Linklater, Laverne Cox who – as usual – did Beyonce better than Beyonce, and everyone else:

Pics: Splash, Wenn.com

Justin Bieber Is Getting His Own Comedy Central Roast

File this under: “What could possibly be the easiest roast of all time“, Comedy Central has confirmed that their next roast will be that of petite poo-poo potty stain Justin Bieber. Ryan Seacrest sort of spilled the beans on Twitter last night, but I guess Comedy Central was still waiting to get the ok from a pediatric psychologist before agreeing to make fun of a child. Justin expressed his excitement for his upcoming roast by asking an adult to help him spell some big words on Twitter this morning:

You hear that kids? Act like a good little boy all year, and Santa might bring you a new bike. Act like a spoiled brat all year, and Ryan Seacrest will give you a 1-hour special on Comedy Central. I think we can all agree that Ryan Seacrest should just bite the bullet and change his Twitter bio to “I put assholes on television“. NO! That’s not true; he gave us the top shelf Champale of television, Shahs of Sunset, and for that we should be forever grateful.

But I wonder who they’re going to get to roast Justin? Pretty much everyone on television, the internet, and in real life roasts him on a daily basis, so they’re going to have to dig deep to find people who have some real roast-worthy dirt on the Tiny Terror of Nap Time. I’m guessing the dais will include Justin’s nursery school teachers, the monkey he left in Germany, Lil Za (he needs someone he can pay to say something nice), and Jeff Ross, because Comedy Central can’t legally call it a Comedy Central Roast if Jeff Ross isn’t involved.

And Comedy Central should probably put in a call to Kate McKinnon now to make sure she’s available the night of the roast, just in case taping runs long. You can’t legally keep child on set for too long.

This Is The Baby That Jackie And Kelso Made

And I kind of love that she’s giving us a look that says “I’m attached to the dude from Dude Where’s My Car, aren’t I?”

Ever since Mila Kunis pushed out the baby she made with Ashton Kutcher, they’ve both sort of kept a low profile and generally avoided the whole pimping-out-their-baby-for-publicity thing (“Ew, then what’s the point of a baby?” thought Kim Kardashian, as she prepared for her weekly pap walk with North). Even when Baby Wyatt was born, there was no UsWeekly MEET OUR MIRACLE!!! cover; they just released a bunch of pictures of newborn types and let people guess what she looked like.

But now the guessing game is over, because this is Jackie and Kelso’s baby. A couple of days ago, a fan snapped a pic of Ashton and Mila running errands with Wyatt, who appears to be dressed as Smithers dressed as Bobo the Bear, and she’s very cute. She’s got one of those faces where you probably wouldn’t mind at all if she threw up on you. And if you want a closer look at Baby Wyatt, someone recently threw up what appears to be a holiday card from The Kutcher-Kunises on Twitter:

Even with a second and third picture, I’m still having trouble trying to decide who the baby looks more like. In that first pic, she’s making the same confused face her daddy probably made when he read the reviews of Jobs, but in the second pic, she’s serving up true so over this nonsense realness like her mom during an interview. It’s too close to call!

Pic: Twitter

And Now For The Time Noted Booze Enthusiast Reese Witherspoon Started Drinking Before Noon At A Charity Auction

I see Reese Witherspoon’s thumbs up and raise her two thumbs up, because if there’s anything I can enthusiastically support, it’s christening my mouth with the good stuff before am turns to pm. I mean, not that I currently do – but I just like to keep my options open when it comes to where and when I get ripped, you know? Regardless, it sounds like AMERICAN CITIZEN Reese Witherspoon lives by the 5 O’Clock Somewhere Rule (aka one of America’s greatest contributions to modern civilization), because Star says she was recently spotted at a charity auction getting her drink on at 11:45am.

A source claims that Reese arrived to the event looking agitated and uneasy, but started to let loose after drinking glass of wine. Eventually one glass turned into two, and that’s when Reese Witherspoon turned into her boozy no-fucks-given life of the party alter-ego, Laura Jeanne Poon! The source tells Star:

“As Reese kept drinking, she started to feel more comfortable and got a lot chattier. She was bouncing around in her seat and entertaining her table.”

The source went on to say that Laura Jeanne had three glasses before noon, but that she wasn’t drunk. DUH, of course she wasn’t! First of all, Laura Jeanne Poon doesn’t get drunk, she gets fall-down gorgeous. Second, Laura Jeanne Poon can handle her booze like a champ, so don’t worry that she’s chugging bottles of peeno greege before noon. Thirdly, it doesn’t matter if Laura Jeanne was drunk at 11:45am; Laura Jeanne saw a lack of party, so she brought it. Laura Jeanne is charitable, after all.

Here’s more of Laura Jeanne’s less fun alter-ego Reese Witherspoon talking about her new movie Wild at the SoHo Apple store in NYC yesterday:

Pics: Splash, Wenn.com