Paul Reubens Confirms That Another Pee-wee Herman Movie Is Definitely Happening

Sweet sassy Jambi, why are Pee-wee’s eyes so red? I bet that little ginger shithead Randy has something to do with it. Probably gave him pink eye. Fucking Randy.

Paul Reubens (who I like to pretend is actually Pee-wee Herman’s creepy uncle) confirmed on The Tonight Show Starring Jimmy Fallon Wednesday night that nearly 30 years after the amazing Pee-wee’s Big Adventure (and 27 years after the…uh…slightly less amazing Big Top Pee-wee), Pee-wee Herman will be returning to the big screen. Reubens says he’s written the script, hired a director (he won’t say who), and plans to begin production in February of 2015 with Judd Apatow producing. So far it’s all very hush-hush, but if Judd Apatow is producing it, then there’s a good chance the part of Dottie will be played by Seth Rogen.

Pee-wee’s Big Adventure is practically a religion to me, and there’s nothing I would like more than to let Paul Reubens take me to church. But Pee-wee is 30 years older now, and I’m not sure I want to see Pee-wee going on a cross-country adventure to find his lost Hoveround or trying to do the Tequila dance and breaking a hip. Aw, who am I kidding? I’ll be there on opening night dressed as Sharon Needles dressed as Pee-wee Herman. I should start shopping for some stretch plaid now.

And I hope Paul Reubens plans on filming this shit in Heaven, because you can’t make a new Pee-wee movie without Large Marge, Hobo Jack, and the bitchy Alamo tour guide! Especially the bitchy Alamo tour guide! Pee-wee is NOTHING without hearing Jan Hooks giggle-hiss out “Thayres no baysement at the Ahlahmow!”

YAAAASSSS! Twin Peaks Is Coming Back To Television!

Agent Dale Cooper and I have the exact same bewildered look on our faces; surely this is all just a backwards-talking dream and Twin Peaks isn’t actually coming back to television. That would never happen! I bet The Man from Another Place and that shady bitch the Log Lady are behind this fuckery.

But no, this isn’t a dream! Earlier today, Twin Peaks creators David Lynch and Mark Frost confirmed on Twitter that Twin Peaks, the batshit crazy pie-flavored fever dream that aired for two seasons on ABC from 1990 to 1991, is coming back! THIS IS DAMN FINE NEWS! According to Deadline, Showtime will air a third nine-episode season of Twin Peaks sometime in 2016, 25 years after it first premiered. The third season will be written and produced by Lynch and Frost, and all nine episodes will be directed by David Lynch. And there’s also a rumor that ageless super-hottie Kyle MacLachlan will return as FBI agent Dale Cooper. Excuse me while I find an all-red room and do the reverse wall-slide of joy.

The New Twin Peaks (I hope they keep that name) will be set in present-day and will sort of pick up where the last one left off, aka INSANE TOWN. Lynch and Frost hope to wrap up any loose ends that were left at the end of the second season and the film Twin Peaks: Fire Walk With Me. But I don’t really care what they do! They can spend all nine episodes having Dale Cooper teach the teenage ghost of Laura Palmer how to drive or dedicate a whole episode to Nadine Hurley buying a new eye-patch. All that matters is that they find a way to bring back the true star of Twin Peaks, Lara Flynn Boyle! Twin Peaks is nothing without that exquisite collagen-plumped peony blossom!

Michael Strahan Will Play A Stripper In Magic Mike XXL (UPDATE)

Let’s just get this out of the way, because I’m sure it’s the only thing you really care about: no, you won’t get to see his New York Trouser Giant – BUT – there is a chance we might get to see his defensive end. Pray 4 butts, it’s all we’ve got.

So another hot-bodied hottie has been added to the cast of what will surely be Channing Tatum’s magnum opus, Magic Mike XXL; former football player and Live! with Kelly and Michael host Michael Strahan will make an appearance as a stripper. Did you hear that sound? It was the sound of a million morning TV-watching memaws and stay-at-home moms getting the vapors and fainting into a pile of folded laundry.

Michael admitted on Live! this morning that after Channing Tatum jokingly asked him to appear in Magic Mike 2, he then asked him a second time for real if he’d appear as a stripper, and he agreed. Michael also says he’ll be wearing a “kind-of a thong thing”, which means we won’t get to see any penis. But also because, duh, we’re not going to see any penis anyways because it’s a Hollywood movie. If you want penis, you’re going to have to watch the Magic Mike parody, Spellbound Sam (which I assume is something that exists).

But what Michael doesn’t realize is that he doesn’t technically ever have to show his thong-wrapped stra-ham. He can use a crotch double! And who better to stand in as his dick-double than Kelly Ripa’s erect belly button! Just have Kelly slip a g-string around stomach and shoot  it from a couple creative angles, and no one will know the difference!

And in case you want to know what Michael Strahan stripping looks like, here’s him busting out some bachelorette party moves on Live! two years ago.

Update from Michael K: Warner Bros. announced the full cast, and joining Gappy Strahan, Channing Tatum, Matt Boner, Joe ManJello, Kevin Nash, Gabriel Iglesias and Kevin Nash will be Amber Heard, Jada Pinkett Smith, Elizabeth Banks, Andie MacDowell and Donald Glover. They also spit up a synopsis.

“Magic Mike XXL” finds the remaining Kings of Tampa ready to throw in the towel. But they want to do it their way: burning down the house in one last blow-out performance in Myrtle Beach, and with legendary headliner Magic Mike sharing the spotlight with them. On the road to their final show, with whistle stops in Jacksonville and Savannah to renew old acquaintances and make new friends, Mike and the guys learn some new moves and shake off the past in surprising ways.

Um, yeah, that synopsis means nothing to me, because it doesn’t say how many pairs of bare ass cheeks they’re going to show and if they’re finally going to do things right by giving us dick shots. That’s the only thing us, desperate, hard-up whores care about.

And Here’s What Christopher Walken Will Look Like When That Peter Pan Live! Mess Happens

Allison Williams and I share more than a first name; we also share the same “da fuq??” face when looking at the first picture of Christopher Walken as Captain Hook for NBCs upcoming  Peter Pan Live! Although mine is more of a “da fuq kind of low-budget Party City pirate shit is this?” and hers is more of a “da fuq have I gotten myself into?”

We already know what Allison Williams will look like as Peter Pan (aka the broken condom baby of a snobby pre-law Yale student named Skip Chipperton and Tank Girl), but today NBC released the first picture of Christopher Walken dressed in discount Dustin Hoffman drag , and it’s every bit as beautiful and messy as I hoped it would be. Christopher Walken can do no wrong in my eyes, so even if he showed up in a shitty plastic hook hand and a t-shirt that says THIS IS MY CAPTAIN HOOK COSTUME, I’d still be on board. Even if that hook looks a lot like a hotel room coat hanger.

Looking at Christopher Walken as Hook is like an I Spy game; there’s so many parts of his face that are fighting my eyes for attention. That eyeshadow! That beauty mark! Those eyebrows! Those hacked-up cheekbones! THAT MOUSTACHE! He looks like Ming the Merciless burped on Jackie Stallone. I LOVE IT!

The only thing I can’t get behind are those tragic burgundy corduroy leggings. Who’s the costume designer, Shia LaBeouf?

One Of The Writers For OITNB Says The Show Made Her Realize She Was A Lesbian And She Left Her Husband For Poussey

One of the head writers for Orange Is the New Black, Lauren Morelli (not to be confused with Lorna “Chris-TUH-fuh” Morello, who is…not a real person), recently confessed in an essay written for Identities.Mic back in May (via People) that writing about Piper Chapman getting finger-banged by Donna from That 70s Show made her realize that, despite being married to a dude, she was totally a gayelle. Oh, and that she’s in love with Poussey (aka Samira Wiley).

Lauren says that she had been married for all of 5 months when she got the job writing for OITBN, and but the second she stepped on set she knew she was ready to pawn her wedding ring for a one-way bus ticket to Downtown Pussy Town. Writing about the hot gayelle love between Piper and Donna (or Donna with glasses, whatever her character’s name is) made her think “Hmmm, maybe I don’t love dick as much as I thought I did” and she started to take a mental inventory of all the times she felt like a lesbian, which as it turned out, was all the time. So she came out as a gayelle to her husband and filed for divorce. I guess that makes her ex-husband the Larry in her life. Did anyone else all start hating Lauren’s ex-husband all of a sudden? Goddamn Larry! He’s the WORST.

Making the transition from penis to pussy can be difficult, and Lauren could have had her pick of any of the pussy-poppin’ ladies of the OITNB cast (are you looking at that flawless Macklemore hair? How could they resist!). Personally, I would have picked Flaca or Black Cindy, but Lauren chose the very adorable Samira Wiley, aka Poussey.

I’m sure some of you are wondering why Lauren didn’t celebrate her switch from dicks to dykes by adopting a “go big or go home” attitude and skipping past an entry-level lesbian like Poussey and going straight for Big Boo, but NO! That’s like learning to swim by getting thrown in the deep end of the pool! You can’t start with Big Boo! Big Boo’s pussy has a difficulty rating of 7.8! Big Boo is for experienced lesbians ONLY!

Pic: Instagram

A Whole Bunch Of People You Love Won Creative Arts Emmy Awards This Weekend

Yes, that’s Crazy Eyes from Orange Is The New Black after winning the award for “Outstanding Guest Actress in a Comedy Series”, which means there is a God, and he too probably binge-watched the second season back in June like the rest of us (“Hi, you’ve reached God. I can’t take your prayer right now because I’m watching OITNB, but leave me a message and I’ll get back to you as soon as I’m done.”)

On Saturday night, the Creative Arts Emmys were given out at the Nokia Theatre in Los Angeles, and in case you’re not totally familiar, the Creative Arts Emmy Awards are sort of like the Cindy Brady to the Primetime Emmy Awards’s Marcia (which would make Jan the messy shit-show that is the Daytime Emmy Awards ). They air a week before the Primetime Emmys and they give out awards for technical shit like editing and…uh…editing? Maybe microphone holding? But they also give out awards for guest actors and reality show hosts and stuff. Basically, THE LEFTOVERS. On the plus side, it’s always filled with the hottest of the hot: Uzo Aduba! Allison Janney! Bob Newhart! What’s the opposite word for “basic bitches”?

Other people who took home pointy-winged gold yoga ball-holding angel statues were Jane Lynch for hosting Hollywood Game Night, Allison Janney for her guest spot on Masters of Sex, Joseph Gordon-Levitt for (inhale) “Outstanding Creative Achievement in Interactive Media in the Category of Social TV Experience” for his online show HitRecord On TV, and Harry Shearer for his voice work on The Simpsons. That’s right, the voice of Principal Skinner/Mr. Burns/Smithers/Flanders/Lenny/Otto/Reverend Lovejoy has NEVER won an Emmy before; the world truly is a fucked-up place. The complete list of winners can be found here.

And here’s everyone wearing fancy dresses and suits in million-degree weather at the Creative Arts Emmys on Saturday night, including Laverne Cox (who does Beyoncé better than Beyoncé ever has. YES I SAID IT. Come at me, Bumblebeys, I ain’t scared!), and Derek Hough looking like Earring Magic Ken all dressed up.

Pics: Splash, Wenn.com