Category: I Don’t Hate This
January Jones And Will Forte Might Be Doing It
If you’ve been watching Fox’s The Last Man on Earth, you know that Will Forte’s character Phil Miller has been desperately trying to get with January Jones’ character Melissa Shart for the past couple weeks (despite the fact that he’s fake married to Kristen Schaal, who was his second choice after a hot department store mannequin. Trust me, it’s a great show). However, it sounds like pretending to have the hornies for each other might have lead to actually having the hornies for each other, because UsWeekly says Will Forte and January Jones are totally dating. Random, thy name is Betty Draper humping on SNL’s MacGruber.
A source says that they’ve been dating for the past couple months, adding that he’s a “good guy” and they’re “having fun“. Well no fucking duh, how could you not have fun with Will Forte? That’s like saying “Guess what! I went on a date with Kim Kardashian and she brought her mom and a camera crew!” I mean, we’re talking about the man who gave us Paul L’Astnamé from 30 Rock; if anyone could get January Jones’ non-smiling face to crack a smile, it’s him.
Then again, this could all be UsWeekly’s idea of an April Fool’s Day joke. In which case, does that mean he’s still available? How does he feel about ok-faced bloggers that smell constantly of strawberry Pop-Tarts? I’m…uh…asking for a friend.
But speaking of smiling, here are some pictures of January Jones smiling at the Mad Men season premiere last week. Who knew that getting dicked by Tim Calhoun is the cure for chronic resting bitchface?
Pics: Wenn.com
10 Words I Never Thought I’d Say: Martha Stewart Killed It At Justin Bieber’s Comedy Central Roast
Comedy Central finally aired their roast of Draco Malfoy’s muggle cousin from Canada Justin Bieber last night, which means we finally got to see if Martha Stewart could roast more than a Thanksgiving turkey. And roast him she did! Not only did she roast him, she stuffed a bunch of sage and breadcrumb truth up his ass and basted him in his own tears. She also took a couple swipes at the other roasters, because Martha knows a good hostess passes her shade around like a plate of exquisitely decorated sugar cookies. People has compiled a collection of Martha’s best moments.
Fox Has Confirmed That An X-Files Reboot Is Happening
Excuse me, but I need a moment to slip into the kitchen and brew myself an extra-large mug of Throat Coat to deal with the 3rd degree scream damage I sustained from reacting to this news with a decibel-shattering YAAAASSSSSSSSSSSS.
Typically whenever Hollywood announces that they’re going to reboot something (aka ruin it), I can’t roll my eyes fast enough or kick out enough chairs for Hollywood to take a seat, but not this time. Deadline says that Fox has confirmed that they’re bringing The X-Files back for a six-episode event, and that David Duchovny and Gillian Anderson will return as FBI Special Agents Fox Mulder and Dana Scully. No word on whether their hot no-nonsense hunk of a boss Skinner will be back, but that’s sort of irrelevant, considering he’s still making appearances in my dreams.
Series creator Chris Carter will also be involved, and he says he considers the time since the The X-Files finale in 2002 and this upcoming 6-epsiode series as a “13-year commercial break.” The X-Files ran for 9 seasons and produced two feature films, one of which was good (sit down, The X-Files: I Want to Believe – I wasn’t talking about you).
I know they haven’t said anything else about casting, but I really hope they bring back Doug Hutchison as Eugene Tooms, if only so they have an excuse to write a part for his gorgeous living x-file of a wife Courtney Stodden.
Zoolander And Hansel Walked In A Valentino Show To Confirm That “Zoolander 2” Is Happening
That Hansel, still so hot. What? Don’t act like you don’t have a thing for dudes with busted-up dick noses. To announce that Zoolander 2 is a thing that is happening, Ben Stiller pulled out his best John Travolta for Shh…It’s a Wig! high-fashion hairpiece, locked his face into Blue Steel mode, and walked in Valentino’s FW15 show in Paris today as not-smart male model type Derek Zoolander. Joining him as he hustled those future box office dollars down the runway was Owen Wilson done up like Hansel if Hansel was a long-haired dad who drove his kids to school in his pajamas.
Since the hardcore pimping of Anchorman 2 is still fresh in my mind, I’m not sure how I feel about Zoolander and Hansel stunt queening around fashion week. My better judgement is throwing Ben Stiller a Magnum-level side eye, but the center of my brain for cells who can’t think good is screaming YAAASSSS while getting into a gasoline fight with my better judgement (whatever the hell that means). Regardless, it’s happening, and Anna Wintour seems happy about it:
At least I think that’s Anna’s version of happy? I’m not sure if she’s smiling because she’s a next-level Zoolander fan, or because she has poor vision and she thinks she’s standing in the middle of a Pimp Mama Kris and Kim Kardashian fame whore sandwich. Either way, I will count whatever that weird look on her face is as a smile and classify her emotion as ‘happy’.
Pic: Vogue
And Now In “Good News” News, Drew Barrymore Is Writing Another Book About Her Life
The last time life legend Drew Barrymore sat down to write a book, it was 1990 and she wrote Little Girl Lost, and the world instantly became a better place for it, because Little Girl Lost is everything. It’s like if V.C. Andrews wrote Shirley Temple fan fiction. I’m not sure, but I’m pretty sure there’s a copy of Little Girl Lost in the Smithsonian (at least there should be). Now People is saying that Drew Barrymore is going to write another book about her life. Praise be to the god in charge of dishy celebrity memoirs, thine are truly a loving, caring god.
According to Drew’s publisher (Dutton), Drew’s new book won’t be filled with heavy shit like LGL was, but instead will be a collection of essays about her life, which her publisher says will include:
“Living on her own at 14 (and how laundry may have saved her life), getting stuck in a gas station overhang on a cross-country road trip, saying goodbye to her father in a way only he could have understood, and many more adventures and lessons that have led to the most important thing in her life, which is motherhood.”
Well, there goes my hope for a potential story involving Drew and Cameron Diaz stealing Bill Murray’s sousaphone and using it as a makeshift bong on the set of Charlie’s Angels.
Drew commented on her new book, which doesn’t have a name right now, by saying: “I love stories that are humorous, emotional and welcoming, and that is my goal in writing this book.” Drew wrote LGL when she was 15, and she’s 40 now, which means that she has 25 years worth of humorous, emotional, and welcoming stories to catch up on. Basically what I’m saying is, she better save a couple pages for that time she flashed David Letterman and whether or not Courtney Love ever sat her down at any time in the mid-90s and told her that her foundation shade was way too light.
And In “Thank God This Happened” News: Maya Rudolph Pulled Out Her Beyonce Last Night
There were really only two things I wanted to see during last night’s Saturday Night Live 40th anniversary show: I wanted to see Phil Hartman, Chris Farley, and Jan Hooks Skype with the audience from Heaven, and I wanted to see Maya Rudolph put on 8 layers of Spanx and 12lbs of human hair to do the world’s best Beyonce impression. Sadly, it appears Jesus can turn water into wine, but he can’t get Skype to work, so we never got to see that video chat from Heaven. But we did get to see Maya Rudolph do Beyonce, and that’s really all that matters, because bitch does Beyonce better than Beyonce does Beyonce. Maya Rudolph does Beyonce so well, I bet Kim Kardashian ambushed her ass backstage.
Maya Rudolph as Beyonce came out to join living life legend Martin Short (who really should have hosted the whole damn thing, if we’re being honest with ourselves) to talk about SNL characters who sang, like Opera Man and the What Up With That guy. I know that some of you may be confused by Maya Rudolph’s Beyonce and are thinking “Wait, that’s not actually Beyonce?“, but there are two very easy ways to tell the difference between Maya’s Beyonce and the real Beyonce:
1. The real Beyonce would never share the stage with anyone besides Beyonce
2. Maya Rudolph’s Beyonce sings live
Here’s more of Maya Rudolph walking the SNL40 red carpet last night with Kristen Wiig, as well as the real Beyonce arriving to the SNL40 afterparty with Jay Z and wearing what looks to be Joseph’s technicolor dreamcoat if it was poorly knocked-off by Kanye West:
