We’ve covered some earth shattering haircuts here on Dlisted. There was the time Mickey Rourke cut his hair and suddenly looked like Channing Tatum morphed with Daniel Craig, aka HIGHLY FUCKABLE. There was also the time Justin Bieber shaved his shaggy dog shaggy do and served lone gunman realness. And the image of a newly shorn Pamela Anderson sent shivers down our spines with her uncanny resemblance to Anderson Cooper. But this one, this one will rock you to your core. Counting Crows front man Adam Duritz shaved his head. I’ll give you a moment to process this unbelievable information.
How are you holding up? Are you ready to see? Don’t rush it if you’re not ready. Take your time. Breathe. OK?
Time to pour one out for an absolute legend. Jeremy Meeks’ watch has ended and it’s time to hold whatever the equivalent of a viking funeral is for the storied career of a Gold Digger nonpareil. According to Us Weekly, Jeremy and his TopShop ATM Chloe Green have officially split after two years, one baby (Jayden Meeks-Green), and one hundred trips around the globe on daddy’s yacht. For his achievements in the arts of The Come Up, Fortuitous Insemination, and the Commodification of What Your Momma Gave You, Jeremy has earned himself an entire wing in the Gold Diggers Hall Of Fame.
In the near future, malls and strip malls will only be filled with Starbuckseseseseses (yes, that’s plural for Starbucks), money laundering places fronting as cell phone case stores, and Bath & Body Workseseseseses (again, that’s plural for Bath & Body Works). We already lost the reasonably priced emporium of elegance ensembles that was Charlotte Russe, and now we’re losing Dressbarn, which if you’re not familiar with, sells dresses to humans and doesn’t sell dresses to horses, pigs, cows, and chickens. Although, now I really want to go to a store that sells dresses to chickens.
Now who is going to make you feel okay about having a side of Chardonnay with your bowl of Rice Krispies? Or a side of Chardonnay with your bowl of chardonnay? Oh shit, Kathie Lee Gifford’s next hustle should be a breakfast cereal called KLG’s Chardonnay-Os.
After 11 years, 500,000 gulps of fermented breakfast juice, and over 4,000 times yodeling out “Everyoooone has a stooo-reeeee“, the Christian Wine Queen of Morning Television has announced that she’s hanging up her monogrammed breakfast time wine glass and is leaving Today. Those of us who are masochists and watch Today every morning aren’t exactly dropping our mug of KLG-brand GIFFT Pinot Grigio (available at Wine.com!) out of shock, because there’s many a morning when the fourth hour of Today starts and we scream,”NOT JENNA BUSH HAGER FILLING IN FOR KLG AGAIN!” Although if this announcement was a real shock, we still wouldn’t drop our mug of KLG-brand GIFFT Pinot Grigio. That’s not what KLG would want.
The two peroxide roses on the left are Sunset Thomas and Air Force Amy, the stars of one of my favorite HBO shows Cathouse, which followed the hookers of the Moonlite Bunny Ranch, a legal brothel in Nevada. Cathouse only got 2 seasons (and some specials) and has long been over, but its Emmy-winning (don’t fact check me on that) brilliance lived on through HBO and its streaming services until now.
I guess HBO figures that their subscribers care more about low-quality and low-budget boring shit like Game of Thrones, Westworld, Big Little Lies, and Veep, because they are ridding their channels and subscriptions of pay cable masterpieces like Cathouse, Real Sex, and Taxicab Confessions. HBO announced that they’re slowly removing the fun from their channel by erasing all “adult-programming.”
Last week we learned that in the near future, the fuck word in movies will be down 85% because Quentin Tarantino is planning to retire after his next two films are in the can. Today we learn that in the near future, pepaw hotness in movies will be down 99% (hey, will still have Harrison Ford and Rip Taylor) because Robert Redford is planning to retire after his next two films are in the can. Robert Redford has been making your granny’s clit quiver since the 1960s and he’s tired now. Your granny will have to look to another seasoned hot piece for fap material (see: Rip Taylor).