Elon Musk Sold 10,000 Bottles Of Cologne That Smells Like Burnt Hair And Is Pretty Sure He Doesn’t Have Any More “Looming Babies”

October 12, 2022 / Posted by:

I suppose every generation has had to contend with eccentric billionaires. It’s just that billionaires nowadays are far richer and further isolated from the reality the rest of us live in. Take Howard Hughes, for example. He was a big weirdo who probably enjoyed the smell of burnt hair and was unnaturally obsessed with his own semen, but he didn’t have legions of fans willing to egg him on at each and every increasingly demented endeavor. If he did, we would have seen one of his relatives on Antiques Roadshow let out a resigned sigh when Mark L. Walberg tells them the Hughes Tool Company branded bottle of urine they found in the attic isn’t even worth 5 cents at the recycling center. Meanwhile, legions of Musk Rats are out here throwing good money after bad buying up $100 bottles of Burnt Hair scented cologne from Elon Musk’s gag business The Boring Company. You see, Howard may have drooled on stars. But Elon is one.

The Verge reports that Elon’s already sold 10,000 bottles of it, adding one million additional dollars to Musk’s war chest, part of which he may use to disseminate even more of his precious bodily fluids.

Elon currently has ten kids he’s aware of, and according to People, is not ready to rule out more in the future. Howard may have been childless and alone when he died, but at least he was he still rich. Whereas Elon’s on track to be a grandfather of dozens and alone when he dies, but (fingers crossed!) broke as fuck. People reports:

Elon Musk may not be done adding to his family tree.

In a wide-ranging interview with Financial Times, the Tesla CEO recently opened up about being a dad of 10, and whether he has plans to welcome more kids in the future.

Over the summer, it was reported that Musk became a father of 10 after he and Shivon Zilis, the project director at his Neuralink company, secretly welcomed twins in November 2021.

Asked if there are any other kids that Musk has fathered, the SpaceX founder told the outlet, “I’m pretty sure there are no other babies looming.”

I’ve heard of babies crowning, but looming is a new one for me. Here’s how I imagine that works:

Nurse: Ma’am hold still, I know it hurts but your baby is looming

Woman: WHAT!? I told that asshole to pull the plug on those embryos as soon as that Twitter deal went through!

Nurse: I don’t know what to tell you ma’am, your baby is looming. He must have paid some other sycophant to carry it.

Woman: Motherfucker. Well, can I at least have some drugs?

Nurse: Of course, I’ll join you.

I’m sorry, but the only acceptable time to have a “looming baby” with Elon is the hour between when the condom breaks and when you can get to the drugstore for some Plan B.

Still, Musk, who referred to himself as an “autumn chicken” at 51 years old, shared that he may welcome more kids down the line, so long as he can be a good father to them.

Elon might want to spend more time thinking about being a good father to the children he already has instead of worrying about how any future hypothetical children might exact their revenge. Back in June, Elon’s 18-year-old daughter Vivian, who is trans, legally changed her name from Musk to Wilson to avoid any further association with him. Elon’s response? “You can’t win them all.People reports:

In a new interview with Financial Times, the Tesla CEO, 51, said he believes his daughter — who legally changed her last name in June from Musk to Wilson — no longer wants to be associated with him because of the supposed takeover of elite schools and universities by neo-Marxists.

“It’s full-on communism . . . and a general sentiment that if you’re rich, you’re evil,” said Musk, who is a dad of 10. “It [the relationship] may change, but I have very good relationships with all the others [children]. Can’t win them all.”

You know, he might have a point. Who knows, maybe in the future, bottles of The Boring Company Burnt Hair cologne will become the currency of the ruling class on Mars while the rest of us are reduced to bartering our teeth for ancient knitted pussy caps from the Great Gender Wars of 2025 to keep our burn-scarred scalps warm on those chilly, eternal earth nights. Children are so like planets these days. You win some, you lose some. And if you’re rich enough, you can just go out and buy a new one and bounce. When you’re a star, they let you do it. You can do anything.

Pic: Patrick Pleul/DPA/Cover Images

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