That tricky bitch Mary Poppins is back to terrorize a new pack of impish waifs in the full length trailer for Mary Poppins Returns starring Emily Blunt as an umbrella wielding lunatic and Lin-Manuel Miranda as a guy who doesn’t think twice about playing with strange children in the park. This holiday season is going to be seriously twisted.
We’ve upset Angela Lansbury. Entertainment Weekly reports that in a statement released on Wednesday, Angela expressed dismay at the hullabaloo her comments on sexual assault have caused and insists that her words were taken out of context.
Angela Lansbury may use a silly magnifying glass to solve murders as Jessica Fletcher but she doesn’t need any such contrivance to solve rapes. Angela is here to let you know that the number one cause of rape is women’s fashion and old fashioned strumpetry. According to Telegraph UK, Angela, who is 92 years old, gave the unusual victim-blaing “hot take” on the current Weinsteinageddon situation during a Radio Times interview.
Angela Lansbury, who is 91 years old, says she’s ready to take her sweater vests out of the cedar box, dust off the mouse poops and reprise her role as Jessica Fletcher for a final episode of Murder She Wrote.
Global treasure Angela Lansbury probably saw the same advance pics from the upcoming live-action Beauty and the Beast that the rest of us did. They obviously inspired her to dig up her old Jessica Fletcher magnifying glass, point it at those images of Emma Watson grasping nothingness and air where the CGI Beast is supposed to be spinning her ass on the ballroom floor and gently whisper “the fuck?“. Entertainment Weekly spoke with the original (and only) Mrs. Potts at the 25th-anniversary screening in NYC back in September. They got her to admit that, like the rest of us, she hasn’t got clue #1 about why we needed a remake of the animated classic whose selling point is “now with humans.” She actually could have just referred them to her opinions on that bullshit Murder, She Wrote reboot they planned to foist on us. Angela Lansbury? Not here for reboots, remakes or retreads.
In every picture of Angela Lansbury titling her head, smiling and gently touching her chin, she’s saying, “Bitches know not to come for this.” And she’s right.
When NBC announced that they were recycling Murder, She Wrote as a starring project for Octavia Spencer, the original Jessica Fletcher was one of the first ones to sharpen her shank while letting it be known that she did not approve of it. After several NBC executives woke up with peacock heads in their beds and the faint scent of Jean Nate in their bedrooms, they immediately stopped all plans for the reboot and allowed Octavia to dodge a bullet both figuratively and literally (Angela’s got a gat too). The BBC asked Angela what she thinks about NBC putting a stop to the reboot and after she screamed YEEEEEEEEEESSSSSSSSS until her tonsils fell out, she glued her tonsils back in and said this:
Dame Angela, who played amateur sleuth Jessica Fletcher in the original series, told the BBC she was “terribly pleased and relieved” by the news.
“I knew it was a terrible mistake,” she said. “I didn’t want to sully the memory.”
She added: “Octavia Spencer is a superb actress. She had no business being put into a situation that she couldn’t win.”
Sully the memory?! It’s just Murder, She Wrote. It’s not like the peacock went diarrhea times on a true classic like Falcon Crest. You know, I change my mind about the reboot. I wish they would’ve gone through with it. Because then we would’ve seen Angela flipping off the judge on TMZ’s court room live stream after she got arrested for crashing the set and tried to cut everybody in there.