Category: This Pleases Me

A Dolly Parton Lifestyle Brand Is Coming

May 5, 2019 / Posted by:

When the Marie Kondo “get rid of all your shit” revolution happened I didn’t understand why us “specialty collectors” (ok, hoarders) had been commanded to clear space in our houses with such a manic sense of urgency. At the time, the KonMari method felt a bit drastic, but now it all makes sense! Dolly Parton has just signed a deal for a complete lifestyle brand. Hole-E-Shit. Now I know why I was commanded to make room in my closets and cupboards- I needed space to fill up with everything and anything Dolly. Thank you, Marie Kondo! Continue reading

Cate Blanchett Is Not Here For Your Stupid Damn Cat Questions

March 26, 2015 / Posted by:

Even though the resolution of that picture is lower than low and it looks like it was screen grabbed off a Sega Game Gear using a Nokia flip phone, you can still see Cate Blanchett’s impeccably flawless “Not Today” eye-shanking shining through. Poor pixel quality is never a match for a top-shelf bitchface!

During the never-ending promotional tour for that Cinderella movie, Cate Blanchett proved that there’s no bitch like an over-your-shit bitch when journalist Jonathan Hyla asked her a question about a cat. A CAT! That’s the face Cate Blanchett gives you when you ask her about cats. Coincidentally, that’s also the same face I make when I show up to a party and find out there’s no cheese.

Jonathan Hyla wanted to know if it was difficult to get the cat who played Lucifer to do what she wanted while he was on a leash. That’s when Cate returned her eyebrows to the upright position before hissing “That’s your question? That’s your fucking question?

Jonathan later posted a clip of the entire interview to prove that Cate was only pretend pissed at him, which is a serious no duh, since there would be nothing left of Jonathan but a pile of ashes and a clump of charred beard hair if she was serious. And even if she was kidding, I hope he remembers the look on Cate’s face so he can cross-reference it with the look his girlfriend’s cat gives him the next time he suggests putting it on a leash. “I see you’re giving me about a 6.3 on the Cate Scale of NO…maybe we’ll try again later.

Here’s Cate at the Australian premiere of Cinderella in a dress that’s giving me some Wet N’ Wild Barbie vibes (I don’t hate it) last week:

Pics: Splash

YAAAASSSS! Twin Peaks Is Coming Back To Television!

October 6, 2014 / Posted by:

Agent Dale Cooper and I have the exact same bewildered look on our faces; surely this is all just a backwards-talking dream and Twin Peaks isn’t actually coming back to television. That would never happen! I bet The Man from Another Place and that shady bitch the Log Lady are behind this fuckery.

But no, this isn’t a dream! Earlier today, Twin Peaks creators David Lynch and Mark Frost confirmed on Twitter that Twin Peaks, the batshit crazy pie-flavored fever dream that aired for two seasons on ABC from 1990 to 1991, is coming back! THIS IS DAMN FINE NEWS! According to Deadline, Showtime will air a third nine-episode season of Twin Peaks sometime in 2016, 25 years after it first premiered. The third season will be written and produced by Lynch and Frost, and all nine episodes will be directed by David Lynch. And there’s also a rumor that ageless super-hottie Kyle MacLachlan will return as FBI agent Dale Cooper. Excuse me while I find an all-red room and do the reverse wall-slide of joy.

The New Twin Peaks (I hope they keep that name) will be set in present-day and will sort of pick up where the last one left off, aka INSANE TOWN. Lynch and Frost hope to wrap up any loose ends that were left at the end of the second season and the film Twin Peaks: Fire Walk With Me. But I don’t really care what they do! They can spend all nine episodes having Dale Cooper teach the teenage ghost of Laura Palmer how to drive or dedicate a whole episode to Nadine Hurley buying a new eye-patch. All that matters is that they find a way to bring back the true star of Twin Peaks, Lara Flynn Boyle! Twin Peaks is nothing without that exquisite collagen-plumped peony blossom!

Bitch Got Booed: The Justin Bieber Juno Award Edition

March 31, 2014 / Posted by:

“So what? I’d quit my job to boo that Bart Simpson wannabe Justin Bieber every day” – all of you reading this. And I agree; hearing that Tantrum Toddler got booed is about as surprising as finding empty Diet Coke cans in my shower (I love a good shower Coke). But it’s the circumstance of the booing that makes it a truly precious gemstone.

Canadian’s low-budget Grammy Award knock-off, the Junos, were held last night in Winnipeg (moose moose maple beaver – there, now it’s officially the most Canadian sentence every written) and by some unholy miracle, Justin won the Juno Fan Choice Award. Everyone’s favorite mischief-making Precious Moments figurine must have been too hard at work on his Busy Box, because he was a no-show. But it was for the best; the second the Canadian women’s curling team called his name (okay, now it’s officially the most Canadian sentence) that bitch got booed so hard, it was as if someone had pulled a Sinead O’Connor and tore up a picture of Anne of Green Gables:

Then during her acceptance speech for Best Songwriter, Serena Ryder (who clearly needs to drop everything and rush to the nearest MRI clinic to identify just how large that tumour is in her brain) came to Bieber’s defense, saying that he worked his ass off and deserves that award and bla bla bla. She’s right, though: you’ve got to work your ass off to be as big a douche as Tantrum Toddler.

But the real story here is that a group of polite Canadian people booed someone! I don’t think I’ve ever heard a Canadian sarcastically apologize to someone, let alone boo them. To put it in perspective, a Canadian ‘Boo’ is equivalent to an American ‘Fuck your bitch-ass life, you cunt-faced shit-eater!’ For instance, the last time someone cut me off while driving, I caught up to them at the next stoplight and the rudest thing I could think of was: “I’m sorry, but I really do not appreciate you driving like a dick”. Well, I mean, technically I didn’t say it to them; I sort of just thought it to myself. But I did give them a mildly dirty look!

Pic: Instagram

BUT WHERE IS KEVIN GNAPOOR??!?

February 6, 2014 / Posted by:

A Mean Girls reunion is NOTHING without math enthusiast/bad-ass MC Kevin Gnapoor. Kevin Gnapoor should be on call at all times in the event of a possible Mean Girls reunion, and when Kevin is unable to fulfil his responsibilities of Best Mean Girls Character, his place will be filled by either Mrs. George, the wide-set vagina girl, Glen Coco, or that grotsky little byotch Trang Pak.

In times that you need a reminder that Lindsay Lohan isn’t always a two-legged useless (so, like, 99.999% of the time?) you can whip out this picture of her and Damian (government name: Daniel Franzese) that she posted to Instagram last night. The two went out to dinner in NYC because – DUH – why wouldn’t you go out for dinner with Damian? And if you’re looking at this picture and thinking “Damn Africa, when did Damian get old?”, well I have terrible news for you; this year marks the 10th anniversary of Mean Girls. Don’t worry, I’ll wait while you run to the bathroom and mourn your lost youth by cry-singing ‘Jingle Bell Rock‘ in the shower.

We all know Blohan’s life is an amped-up version of Mean Girls, so how much do you want to bet that Lilo spent the whole evening talking shit about the rest of the cast? “Oh my god, I like need to tell you – Rachel McAdams kept texting me after I went to rehab being like ‘Are you OK? Are you OK?’ and I’m like ‘Why are you so obsessed with me’ right? And you know I auditioned for Lizzy Caplan’s role on Masters of Sex, but she totally stole it from me. She’s, like, so jealous of my success; it’s pathetic. And to be totally honest? Amanda Seyfried is just a less-hot version of me, right? Ugh, they’re all just SO dramatic and jealous; I’m so glad I’ve moved on. Do you ever talk to Tina Fey? You do? WHAT DID SHE SAY ABOUT ME?!?”

Looks like today’s You’re A Saint award goes to Daniel Franzese; it takes a real angel to put up with Lohan’s pill-head ramblings for 2 hours and to put your wallet in danger by standing close enough for it to “accidentally” fall into her hands.

(Pic: Instagram)

Only 100,000 People Want Justin Bieber Deported? That number seems low to me.

January 29, 2014 / Posted by:

The hat: “No, I won’t go without you! Stop pushing me off!”

The hair: “Save yourself! It’s your only chance to escape this douchebag!”

It looks like America’s love affair with Justin Bieber might be over (sarcasm deluxe with a side of shade). According to The Guardian (via HuffPo), thousands of Americans have signed a petition uploaded to the White House website by Detroit resident J.A. demanding the Obama administration deport the little ass-cramp back to Canada and throw his green card into the oval office document shredder. Currently, the petition has over 100,000 signatures, which means that there are 100,000 Americans I need to track down and kiss on the mouth, but also that the petition has met the minimum requirement needed for an official White House response. The petition is as follows:

“We the people of the United States feel that we are being wrongly represented in the world of pop culture. We would like to see the dangerous, reckless, destructive, and drug abusing, Justin Bieber deported and his green card revoked. He is not only threatening the safety of our people but he is also a terrible influence on our nations youth. We the people would like to remove Justin Bieber from our society.”

That seems long. I’m sure he could have just submitted the following:

“We the people of the United States can all agree that Justin Bieber is a major dickhead, THE-fucking-END. Please evict his ass the legal way before we take matters into our own hands and pull some War of 1812 shit by firing him out of a cannon back over the border.”

I know that Americans think they can deport him back to Canada, but – BREAKING STORY – Canadians hate him even more and they don’t want him either. We sold his ass to Usher for a pack of American Spirits and a case of Diet Cherry Coke a long time ago, and we consider him your problem now. I think a solution both Canada and America can agree on would be to purchase him a one-way ticket to that island from Pinoccio where all the bad boys hang out and do hood rat stuff till they turn into donkeys (too late, he’s already a huge ass).

(Pic: Splash)

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