Okay, So Blake Shelton Was The Cheating Skank Slut In His Marriage

Yesterday, Blake Shelton’s team, I mean, anonymous sources, tried to convince us that Miranda Lambert is a two-timing, pussy-passing strumpet wench who broke Blake’s good ole’ boy wholesome heart by sexing on country singer Chris Young (he denies it) and some other dude. Well, now it’s Blake’s turn to get branded in the ass cheek with a scarlet letter.

TMZ, who brought us the Miranda cheating claims yesterday, says that now her people are calling Blake the cheater. Miranda is pissing shit over Blake using a powerful PR firm to attack her in the media and label her a cheating floozy just a quick second after they buried their marriage. Miranda claims that her vagina never visited another’s dick and that Blake is the one who messed around on her with a famous country singer. Trace Adkins, you home wrecking whore, how could you?!

2015 is one-long acid trip, so far. Who knew that I’d write 3 too many posts about these two? But really…

Miranda and Blake are an embarrassment! I mean, using TMZ’s tip line to throw shit at each other? What are they? Kardashians? This is not the way a messy country divorce showdown is supposed to play out. Miranda, Blake and all their side pieces need to go on Jerry Springer. And that show needs to end with a drunk, shirtless Blake screaming, “But Miranda I luuuuuv-de-ded yooze,” as security guards hold him back and a barefoot Miranda attacks his pregnant side piece with mashed potatoes that the prop people put out because it’s a special Thanksgiving episode. That’s how it’s supposed to go down. So please, Miranda and Blake, get some dignity and call Jerry Springer.

Also, Lainey has a blind item today that is so not about Miranda and Blake. Not at all.

Miranda Lambert Is Either A Cheating Baby Wanter Or A Cheating Baby Not-Wanter. Or Something Else.

It hasn’t even been a full day since the Duke and Duchess of Country (Billy Ray Cyrus and his Taco Party Pack will always be the King and Queen of Country to me) got divorced and a wave of stories about their break-up has already flooded the Internet. (“So you mean to tell me that I didn’t have to do that stupid photo-op with that damn mutt, because everybody is busy talking about Blake and Miranda? Dammit Jen!” – Ben Affleck) So far, the stories are conflicting as shit and some say Miranda Lambert wanted babies, others say she didn’t want babies and another says that she was Ashley Madison-ing through her marriage by cheating on her husband. Meanwhile, Blake Shelton is a monogamous angel whose dick only has eye for his wife’s punane. Of course.

Continue reading

Blake Shelton And Miranda Lambert’s Marriage Is Over

For a while, there’s been rumors from the tabloids that Blake Shelton and Miranda Lambert are about to take their marriage out back and shoot it dead, because his rogue dick keeps stumbling into a pussy that doesn’t belong to his wife and her coochie also hopped on peen that wasn’t attached to her husband’s body. Well, I guess it’s sometimes true what they say: where there’s smoke, there’s divorce lawyers filing papers for their clients. Because TMZ says that Blake filed for divorce on the shush a while ago and a judge is expected to officially end their 4-year-old marriage today. (UPDATE: It’s over. Officially.)

TMZ says that Blake and Miranda have already worked out all the money and property stuff. It wasn’t a battle, because they have a prenup and they both wanted to stick with the terms. Miranda gets to keep their house in Nashville and he gets to keep their ranch in Oklahoma. Miranda is leaving her dog (Blake) on the ranch in Oklahoma, but she’s been moving the rest of her animals (horses, a camel and a llama) off of the property. Blake and Miranda gave this break-up statement to UsWeekly:

“This is not the future we envisioned. And it is with heavy hearts that we move forward separately. We are real people, with real lives, with real families, friends and colleagues. Therefore, we kindly ask for privacy and compassion concerning this very personal matter.”

You probably put your ear to your window expecting to hear a cackle coming for Blake’s ex-wife (who he allegedly cheated on with Miranda), but got confused when you heard what sounded like a dog furiously lapping up water from a hose. Oh, that’s just Adam Levine’s juicy b-hole puckering as he skips to his lawyer’s office to also file for divorce from his wife, because now he and his true soulmate can finally be together.

What In The Name Of Down Under Wedding Day Foreplay Is Going On Here?

The Ghost of Lady Cassandra Future Nicole Kidman and her gorgeous middle-aged soccer mom-looking husband Keith Urban went to the CMAs last night, and for some reason this happened. No, I don’t know the circumstances surrounding Nicole trying to mount Keith from the back like a horny fawn-colored greyhound, and quite frankly – I don’t want to know. Instead, let’s assume she’s not actually trying to hump on her husband, but hiding behind him from the ghost of the haunted antique doll she stole that dress off of. Haunted attic-dwelling dolls don’t like it when you jack their shit, Nicole!

I know she’s going for some Little House on the Prairie Rachel Brown getting married shit, but it ends up looking more like stand-offish Oscar-winning Hollywood actress wearing a $2,000 nightgown. It’s like when I put on a blazer; I think I’m all business bitch chic, but everyone around me is like “Bitch you look like Cathy, yes from the comic strip“. Same goes for Nicole; I mean, lord love her, she’s trying, and it could always be worse; at least she’s not wearing a busted straw cowboy hat, right?

Unfortunately, Nicole didn’t get the memo that nobody else was doing county curtain couture this year. It was all head-to-toe David’s Bridal: Longer! Shinier! More Satin-y! Where’s the rhinestone-studded belt buckle worn as a choker? Where’s all the bedazzled crotch cut-offs? Come on guys, I thought you were country! Here’s more of Nicole and everyone else at the CMAs, including the usual, like Faith Hill and Tim McGraw, a knocked-up Carried Underwood, and my personal lord and savior Tami Taylor (HEY Y’ALL!):

Pics: Splash, Wenn.com

Luke Bryan’s Reaction To Ariana Grande Latte’s Performance At The iHeartRadio Awards Is Perfect

“Bitch stole my look!” – Grumpy Cat

At last night’s iHateRadio (autocorrect that stays) Music Awards, country singer Luke Bryan – the over-it dude in black to the left of a confused-looking Blake Shelton – let his face tell us exactly what he thought of Ariana Grande Mocha Cookie Crumble Frappuccino’s performance with a look that made my downstairs parts tingle with sadistic glee. I don’t think I’ve ever seen someone frown so hard; it almost looks like the right corner of his mouth is reaching for something it can use to put Luke Bryan out of his misery. “Juuuuust a little closer…I think I can reach that broken wine glass.”

Normally Ariana Grande Cup Filled With Tap Water (she’s too basic to be a Frappuccino) doesn’t bother me that much (jk, she’s suuupes annoying) but I had the exact same reaction as Luke Bryan when I watched her perform “Problem”. There’s something about a toddler-face in a pair of hooker boots that feels all kinds of not-right to me. Not to mention those busted baby dance moves at the 1:56 mark; the whole thing made me feel like I was watching a crossover episode between Toddlers & Tiaras and To Catch a Predator:

Then again, I’m sure if I watched Ariana Grande Tap Water’s performance a little less sober than I am now, I bet I would find it as funny as Bad Gal RiRi thought it was. I love imaging a wine-drunk Rihanna watching Ariana’s performance and whispering to the person next to her “Duuuuude…that baby prostitute is a pretty good dancer”

But back to Luke Bryan and his amazing NOPE face. After Luke was caught on camera showing us what he looks like when he’d rather be getting a lube-less rectal exam than watch jail bait bust out some Mall of America moves, he tweeted:

“Wow me concentrating doesn’t look good”

And I don’t think that’s an excuse – I really think he was concentrating. He was trying to pull a Carrie and concentrate all the telekinetic power in his brain to start a fire in the Shrine Auditorium so he could get the fuck out of there.

Here’s more of a pre-frown Luke Bryan and his beautiful sunset-colored wife Caroline arriving at the iHeartRadio Music Awards:

Pics: Wenn

Jewel’s Trompe L’Oeil Titties Are Confusing Me

Unless you just took two hits of gas station acid (if so, go directly to the nearest pay phone and call Iyanla Vanzant to fix your damn life) you shouldn’t be worried that it looks like Jewel’s chesticles are vibrating like a science fair project on sound waves. Jewel must have hired Kim Kardashian’s makeup artist, because she showed up to last night’s Academy of Country Music Awards with such thick contouring around her titty balls, it looked like someone had drawn them on with a brown Sharpie. Even the sloppiest drag queens are throwing her shade (she doesn’t need it; her tits are shaded enough).

Contouring your chichis is really tricky: too light and it looks like you’ve done nothing, too dark and it looks like you got titty-fucked by a filthy rando at Burning Man. But this is…I don’t know what this is. Jewel’s tits are contoured so hard, it looks like Titception – a tit within a tit within a tit. Dear Jewel: your contouring should never be so harsh that your cleavage ends up looking like a crotch shot.

While Jewel and her Picasso boobies took the trophy for Messiest Makeup, the title of Most Messiest was snatched away by a high class hooker-looking Shakira. Everything looked like it was found at a Laughlin, NV strip mall, from that bleached-out bus stop weave, to the dress that looks like the bastard child of a three-way between a butterfly stripper top, a pair of fence nets, and a yard of teal spandex. And the award for Most Kardashian went to human butterscotch sundae, Taylor Swift (but you can call her Kaylor Swifdashian) who I guess thought she was going to the opening of a Forever 21 store and stole an outfit from one of the Jenner girls.

Here’s more of Jewel, Shakira, and Taylor Jenner, along with some other fancily-dressed tricks at the ACMs last night in Las Vegas, including a very delicate in the face Keith Urban, Nancy O’Dell wearing a Mother of the Slut Dress Bride dress, and Lil’ Chick’n Nugget herself, Jamie Lynn Spears-Watson!

Pics: Splash