Pop A Bottle Of Small-Batch Sarsaparilla, Blake Lively’s Second Baby Is Here

“And don’t forget to have the help pour that sarsaparilla into an antique hand-hammered silver julep cup that’s been chilling in the ice box for several hours. If you’re going to toast my new lil’ chicken dumplin’, do it right.”

Blake Lively and Ryan Reynolds are now one baby closer to receiving their official Breeders Club membership card in the mail. Sources have confirmed to People and UsWeekly that Blake gave birth to the baby that has already gotten closer to more couture dresses than most of us ever will in our entire lifetimes.

Blake reportedly gave birth in New York sometime this week. Other than that, no more information about Second Baby Reynolds is known. Blake gave birth to her daughter James Reynolds back in 2014, and we didn’t end up getting a name confirmation until months later. So it will probably be a long-ish time before we find out what Blake and Ryan named this new baby or see the first “You fucked up” pictures of Ryan carrying the new baby in sling around his waist like a fanny pack.

We do know that Blake and Ryan’s new baby has already had two visitors. UsWeekly says that Blake’s older sister Robyn Lively has swung by the hospital. What a truly blessed day that must have been for Baby Reynolds since that’s the day they found out their aunt is Teen Witch.

Page Six says that Blake’s Basic Squad Cheer Captain Taylor Swift has also visited the new baby. I wonder if Taylor brought along an infant modeling coach to make sure that Blake’s new baby knows how to smile through the second-hand embarrassment. “We don’t want another Reynolds to ruin one of Auntie Tay Tay’s perfect Instagram pictures, do we? No we don’t! No we don’t!”

Pic: Splash

Open Post: Hosted By A Little S&M Goth On The Prairie

Kristen Stewart is smiling, and she’s probably smiling because she knows that the pile of WTF on her body is making you want to barf through your eyes, and your pain pleases her. It powers her dark orb of a heart. Meanwhile, as Kunty Karl laid sprawled out on a bed of his naked man slaves after sucking the blood out of them, he cackled into the air over the fact that Kristen Stewart actually wore that horrifying toilet baby of a Medieval Times and the wedding dress of a 70s cult bride. Kunty Karl was just joking when he told her to wear it! In case you mistook that logo below her crotch for the Airbnb logo, it’s actually the Chanel logo. So that monster came from the evil mind of Kunty Karl.

Last night was the NYC premiere of Woody Allen’s Cafe Society, and KStew showed up looking like an Emo toddler playing around in her mom’s dress, and yes, her mom is an Amish dominatrix. It’s as if Kunty Karl got his minions to sew together a dusty Gunne Sax dress from the Salvation Army and pieces from a really cheap Game of Thrones costume.

Putting Kristen Stewart in this dress has to be one of Kunty Karl’s greatest works of evil, and that’s saying a lot. I love him for it!

Here’s more of KStew looking like Fifty Shades of the Sherwood Forest as well pictures of Blake NotSoLively looking like 1960s Pregnant Barbie and Parker Posey showing them all up by giving us 1980s soap opera villainess.

Pics: Wenn.com

Martha Stewart Thinks You Lazy Ass Millennials Need To Grow A Tomato Plant On Your Terrace!

If you were born between 1980 and 2000 and don’t live in your own apartment and don’t regularly make your own marinara sauce using tomatoes from the tomato plant on your terrace, then Martha Stewart looks down upon you as a lazy piece of useless trash!

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Taylor Swift Had A Quiet And Intimate 4th Of July

“Aren’t friends the coolest?! Friends are so fun. You can braid each other’s hair. Make friendship bracelets. Play Dream Phone when mom is busy making snacks! It’s just endless when you have friends! Especially friends who are tall and thin and pretty and have millions of Instagram followers. And it’s always great to have quiet, intimate, just between us girls time away from the public eye. Have you got friends? I definitely do!” – Taylor Swift.

As you probably already know, thanks to Tom Hiddleson’s totally unintentional attention-grabbing wet t-shirt stunt, Taylor Swift had a huge, mega fun kind of 4th of July. Guests included Blake Lively, Karlie Kloss, Cara Delevigne, Ruby Rose, Uzo Aduba, Gigi Hadid, and Ryan Reynolds. Sorry if the rest of this post turns into random letters, my eyes are stuck in roll and my eyelids are malfunctioning.

E! News says that besides wanting to spend time with a small fraction of her 5,978 BFFs, Taylor also wanted them to meet Tom and see what they think. You’ll be shocked to learn that all her friends love him and probably made him feel super comfortable when they started talking about the wedding while shaking his hand. E!’s source said this:

Tom has met all of Taylor’s best friends at this point in their relationship. They all really like Tom and like how he treats Taylor. Things are moving fast between them but none of her friends are worried because they never have seen her this happy. Both feel that their connection is rare.

Totally awesome friends? Check! Hottie boyfriend that is ssssssoooooo much better than the last one that all her totally awesome friends love? Check! New tits? Maybe. Girlfriend is really living the life. Now if only any aspect of it smelled authentic…

Here’s Tay and the girls just having spontaneous, non-staged Delia’s Catalogue fun in the name of patriotism:

Pics: Instagram

Blake Lively Says Woody Allen Is “Very Empowering”

Just the sight of Woody Allen’s beady little creeper eyes and general aura of grossness would probably be enough to make some people think “Yeah, I don’t know if I want to spend several months on a film set with that guy.” But some actors are able to ignore all that and line up to work with him like he’s the best sample station at Costco. And some take it one step further by gushing about how brilliant and amazing a person he is. Blake Lively is in the second group.

Blake’s public love of Woody started at Cannes while promoting their film Cafe Society. Blake defended her boo’s honor after a journalist reminded everyone of Woody Allen’s history of alleged perv by making a Roman Polanski joke during an interview. Now she’s swooning over Woody in Hamptons magazine. Blake poured herself a tall glass of grandma’s sweet tea and retired to her favorite antique wicker rocker on the front porch to reminisce about working with her dear ol’ friend Woody.

“It’s really cool to work with a director who’s done so much, because he knows exactly what he wants…He also is really encouraging as to why he cast you, so he’ll say, ‘Say the dialogue that’s written and then you can improvise for a while.’ And his dialogue is so specific, so it’s intimidating to think, Oh, let me just improvise there and hope that my words blend seamlessly alongside Woody Allen’s. Which they clearly wouldn’t and don’t. But he’s very empowering.”

I don’t mean to pull an Inigo Montoya, but I’m not sure Blake Lively knows what the word “empowering” means. So, Woody is empowering because he let her improvise? Maybe Blake thinks that’s empowering because all the directors she’s worked with before wouldn’t let her go off-script. Not because they were afraid she’d say something offensive, but rather because it would be too risky to let her say words that hadn’t been de-mumbled by her vocal coach first. “Sorry Blake, can we try that again? All I got was something about a motorcycle sandwich.”

Pics: Splash

Open Post: Hosted By Blake Lively Serving Up Spiral Perm Glamour For Her Admirers

“Oh wait, that’s not the legendary Noxzema Girl? Screw this, let’s go then.” – everyone in that picture including the cops and her bodyguard.

Just like her acting skills, Blake NotSoLively’s style to me is usually boring wrapped in meh and stuffed in blah. But while leaving her hotel in NYC yesterday, drops of 80s/90s glamours shot off of her body and landed on my eyes. I can practically smell the scent of the rubber from the Clairol Benders she used to achieve that mane of blonde spiral perfection, and if I keep sniffing, I think I can smell a tiny whiff of Tribe perfume. Blake’s stylist must have been going for these 3 looks in one swoop:

• Assistant manager at Judy’s who drives a brand new Honda del Sol, has a boyfriend named Chad and can get you into any Maxi Priest show because her dad is a dentist and works on the teeth of his touring manager.
• The off-brand version of Totally Hair Barbie sold exclusively at Pic ‘N’ Save.
• The original host of Club MTV who got replaced by Downtown Julie Brown because she couldn’t read the cue cards.

And all of those looks put together are the look to the third power.

Pics: Wenn.com