Blake Lively Already Had Her Baby

Sometimes it feels like famous people are a special species (“We are, you peon bitch” – famous people) who are pregnant for at least 18 months, but I guess Blake NotSoLively just had to be different and birth out her baby early.

3 months after announcing that she had a womb full of her first child with Ryan Reynolds, People says that Blake gave birth to a baby who will remind them what their original noses looked like before a plastic surgeon’s scalpel touched them. People says that even though their baby was born early, it’s healthy and fine. That’s the only detail that People has and that’s probably because Blake is going to give all the details in an eye roll-inducing post on Preserve.us. My guess is that Blake gave birth in a barn lit by candlelight with the help of a midwife. Right after she cleaned her baby off with homemade rose water, she made Ryan Reynolds leave the barn and change into a confederate soldier’s uniform before coming back in, so she could say to him, “My love, I do declare!  You came back from the war to see your fresh born kin!”

The only detail any of us care about is the baby’s name, but since Blake and Ryan are selfish, they haven’t released it yet. So let’s guess!

If it’s a girl, my guesses are: Antebella Mammy Rose, Anthropologina Cotton, Leelee O’Hara Grits, Artisanalina Clementine or Martha Stewart Jr.

If it’s a boy, my guesses are: Bayou Cane, Rhett Twain, Beauregard Sawyer, Boo Boysenberry or Top That Lincoln.

Or maybe they’ll go the old-fashioned, classic route and name their child: Fuckgoop Reynolds. Simple and timeless.