What The World Needs Now: A “Golden Girls” Themed Cafe

“Picture it, Washington Heights, 2016….”

With so much awful news kneeing us in the face left and right, it’s nice to finally get a warm kiss from a rainbow in the form of happy news. DNAinfo says that Rue McLanahan’s best friend, Michael J. LaRue (Rue and LaRue, they were meant to be), is opening up a Golden Girls-themed cafe as a tribute to her and he’s doing it in the Manhattan neighborhood of Washington Heights. This will be the greatest restaurant to hit Manhattan since Fashion Cafe!

The Rue La Rue Cafe is planning to open this September and it’s of course going to sell cheesecake as well as food that’s tied to characters and situations from the show. Michael, who was the executor of Rue’s estate and the administrator of her will, inherited many of her belongings including memorabilia from the show. He plans to decorate the cafe with Golden Girls memorabilia and he also plans to have live music with help from Rue’s personal piano. He said at a Community Board 12 licensing committee meeting that Rue’s son is his business partner and the Walt Disney Company (who owns the Golden Girls because Mickey Mouse’s evil ass owns everything) has given him the okay to make GG merchandise. He also promises that the last-surviving Golden Girl Betty White will be at the cafe’s ribbon cutting ceremony in September. Michael LaRue said this at the meeting:

“I believe I can turn this place into a mini-tourist [hub] in Washington Heights. I believe the neighborhood is going to support this. I believe the population exists here already.”

My idea of the perfect Golden Girls-themed restaurant is one that’s in Miami, looks like an exact replica of Blanche’s lanai and kitchen, serves only cheesecake made by Coco the gay cook and features a floor show starring GG impersonators acting out the Henny Penny episode. But I’m not going to bitch and moan about how Michael LaRue’s Golden Girls-themed cafe doesn’t sound very Golden Girlsy. This is what we all need now, and I’ll take it! Although, if someone opened up a hot dog cart and called it The Golden Girls Cafe, it’d be my favorite restaurant. I’m as easy as Blanche when it comes to the Golden Girls.

YES! YES! YES! OH GOD YES!

The news in this post has nothing to do with Betty White, but when I posted about the Daytime Emmys a few months ago, I missed these extremely important and gorgeous pictures of two human angels. I’m posting them now, because they are vital to your wellbeing and health. And speaking of something that will heal your insides and soothe your soul, here’s the greatest TV news since Matt Boner told us that the new season is filled with plenty of shots of his nalgas:

CHARO GOT A REALITY SHOW!!!!!

The world of reality TV is filled with so much unholiness (see: the Kartrashians and nearly every show on TLC) that it’s about time all that trash is countered with a whole lot of glamour and etherealness. Charo is the holy water that will thrust away the sins of reality TV. As the heavens opened up and the angels sang, Deadline announced that Charo will star in and produce the reality show Charo in Charge for Televisa USA. When I think of the name “Televisa USA,” my brain shits up question marks, but I’m sure it’ll soon be the biggest and most powerful network of all-time thanks to the forever A-list relevancy of Charo!

The series is centered on the multi-generational family’s life in their Beverly Hills compound. “We love Beverly Hills but I think we are the right family in the wrong neighborhood,” says Charo. “All we’re doing is cooking paella in the backyard on an open fire, with my son and his girlfriend and my nephew and his heavy metal friends, my randy dancers in the pool with my gay friends and me and my sister with my bull and my dogs. Why do they keep calling the police?”

Charo in Charge will also star her hot son Shel Rasten, her husband, her sister and her nephew. This is the first portrait of reality TV’s newest and best royal family:

There’s no air date and I don’t even know if it started shooting yet, but I already know that this show will be everything. It has glamour, accents, Charo, hot dudes, a double dose of high ponytails, daytime soap opera styling, goths and unicorn hair. The only thing it needs is Betty White as the drunk and horny neighbor who constantly tries to fuck Charo’s son. Make that last part happen, Televisa USA!

Pics: Splash, Wenn.com, Televisa USA

FINALLY, Betty White Gives Her Thoughts On The Killing Of Cecil The Lion

Everyone can go ahead and stop giving their opinion on that asshole dentist killing Cecil the Lion, because the only voice that matters has finally bestowed her thoughts upon us. As everyone raged, I wondered, “But what does Betty White think?” I finally got my answer. The 93-year-old international treasure and gift to living things is hosting a block of animal specials for Discovery in August called “Pawgust” and while promoting it, she told the Associated Press what she thinks of Walter Palmer.

“You don’t want to hear some of the things I want to do to that man. It’s such a heartbreaker. You can’t even talk about it, and to see this king of the jungle and personifying it in every way, this gorgeous creature. How can somebody do that?”

I bet that after reading that statement, Eli Roth wondered what would Betty White do to that man if they were locked in a room together. And then Eli Roth took his ass to a movie studio to pitch Hostel: Part IV – Betty White v. Trophy Hunters.

Pic: Morris Animal Foundation

American Treasure Betty White Won A People’s Choice Award And Was Escorted To The Stage By Captain America

I’m sure my 94-year-old neighbor Mrs. Lee saw this tender moment between Betty White and Chris Evans at the 2015 People’s Choice Awards and was like “Oh, that Spider Man – such a gentleman” (because everyone is Spider Man to grandma types).

Because I stopped giving my brain exercise a long time ago, I watched the People’s Choice Awards last night. Or at least as much as my brain could handle, till it began screaming “ENOUGH!!!” and made me change the channel to something more mentally stimulating, like Pick A Puppy. But what I did see was 93-year-old life legend and sassy lil’ slice of lemon meringue pie Betty White accepting the award for Favorite TV Icon (how kind of Bruce Jenner to decline the award and give it to the next in line). Of course, an icon like Betty should never walk anywhere without a hot entourage, so hot hottie Chris Evans popped out of his seat and escorted her to the stage. Not shown: what I assume was at least 50 other dudes behind him fighting over the privilege of offering their arm to one of the Golden Girls.

But it wasn’t all about Betty. How rude, I know. Other people took home awards too, including 2014’s version of Jenna Elfman Kaley Cuoco-Sweeting for Favorite Comedic TV Actress, The Big Bang Theory for Favorite TV Show and Favorite Network TV Comedy, Melissa & Joey for Favorite Cable TV Comedy (wait, WHAT?), Tay Tay Swift and her BFF Ed Sheeran as Favorite Female and Male Artist, and Maleficent for Favorite Movie. Unfortunately, Angelina Jolie couldn’t be there in person to accept her award, because she was too busy working miracles for the Pope in Italy. You can see the whole list of winners is here, if you need that in your life.

Sadly, Betty didn’t walk the red carpet before or after the show (probably because a true icon gives the poor 2s and 3s of the world a moment in the spotlight every once in a while), but everyone else did, so here’s all the famous types from the People’s Choice awards, including Kaley Cuoco-Sweeting wearing some kind of sheer-paneled classy/slutty jumpsuit culottes thing, Anna Faris looking like a fancy Vegas bride, and Kat Dennings working that A+ goth brothel madame game:

Pics: Wenn.com

No, Betty, That’s Not A Cigar In His Pocket. Yes, He’s Happy To See You…

Bill Clinton was honored at the GLAAD Media Awards in Los Angeles last night and he was the damn pimp of the ball. He asked Charlize Theron if she’d like to see him in his fedora and nothing else, he asked Jennifer Lawrence if she’d like to grab a few cigars and get out of there, and he gave Betty White an extra special hug. Betty White’s rose-colored eyebrows nearly melted off and her “this jacket is vintage JCPenney and I know Big Willie juice doesn’t come out” face says everything we need to know. Betty White proved that she’s once again the patron saint of giving by showing dusty, old Bill Clinton some love when she really wanted to jump on a piece who can really handle her.

GLAAD, who loves giving out awards since it feels like they have an awards show every damn month, gave Bill Clinton the Advocate for Change Award and also gave trophies to The New Normal (for outstanding comedy series), Perks of Being a Wallflower (for outstanding movie), American Horror Story (for outstanding TV mini-series) and Days of Our Lives (for outstanding daily drama).

And here’s Charlize looking perfect, Jennifer Lawrence with just-out-of-the-salon mom hair, Bill Clinton, Chelsea Clinton, Betty White, Leonardo DiCatchAHo and Alex PetMyFur.

Betty White Finally Graces Twitter With Her Presence

Number five on my bucket list is to type the phrase “Betty White’s Twatter” at least once in my life and now I can check that box off, because Betty White has turned the Tweet birds into a choir of angels by officially joining Twitter last night. In just a few hours, our national treasure collected 105,043 followers, which is around 40 less than the notches on Blanche Devereaux’s bedpost. Who cares if Betty only joined that shit to pimp her Werther’s Originals Fun Time Hour Of Old People Pranks. Who cares if a young ass intern who thinks the Golden Girls was an E! reality show about a spray tan salon in Sherman Oaks is doing the typing for her. Who cares? I’ll say the same shit I say when I show up to a Craigslist trick’s apartment and quickly realize the picture he sent me was his head on Ryan Gosling’s body: I’ll take what I can get!

That being said, can Betty White please leave Gaycrest out of this? I just looked at pictures of a shovel-chinned Leno whore in lingerie and my head didn’t barf my eyeballs out, so obviously I have a high-tolerance for dark-sided images, but I really didn’t need to visualize Betty White and Ryan Gaycrest sharing the same slot. Not today.