Category: Everyone Can Go Home Now

If Fergie Was Going For “Extra Horny Jessica Simpson After Hardcore Dental Surgery,” She Nailed It!

February 19, 2018 / Posted by:

The makers of Alocane emergency burn gel are popping bottles of champagne this morning since sales are probably at an all-time high from people running their asses out to Walgreens to buy some as torturous flames burned their eardrums from Fergie shrieking out the National Anthem last night. She sounded like a deranged cat doing the worst Amy Winehouse impersonation ever as someone shoves its tail into a garbage disposal. But while many are reporting Fergie to the authorities for viciously murdering their sense of hearing and the National Anthem, I’m saluting her for sharting out the most entertaining version of the Star-Spangled Banner (more like the Dirt Star-Mangled Banner) since The Cheetah Girls. Fergie’s rendition was a masterpiece from her sexily strutting up to the mic like somebody’s drunk mom doing Marilyn Monroe’s Happy Birthday, Mr. President number to her thinking she killed it at the end. She killed it alright, and she also killed millions of eardrums and face muscles from cringing so hard. This is the version of the National Anthem we deserve right now, honestly.

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Meryl Streep Just Solved The Diversity Problem With A Few Words!

February 11, 2016 / Posted by:

Meryl Streep is getting torn apart today and everyone is screaming “FINISH HER!” at her ass because of some words she spit out at a press conference for the Berlin International Film Festival. And yes, at the Oscars later this month, Meryl Streep will receive an honorary Oscar for Best Oscar Winner To Get Torn To Fucking Shreds On Twitter.

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FINALLY, Betty White Gives Her Thoughts On The Killing Of Cecil The Lion

July 30, 2015 / Posted by:

Everyone can go ahead and stop giving their opinion on that asshole dentist killing Cecil the Lion, because the only voice that matters has finally bestowed her thoughts upon us. As everyone raged, I wondered, “But what does Betty White think?” I finally got my answer. The 93-year-old international treasure and gift to living things is hosting a block of animal specials for Discovery in August called “Pawgust” and while promoting it, she told the Associated Press what she thinks of Walter Palmer.

“You don’t want to hear some of the things I want to do to that man. It’s such a heartbreaker. You can’t even talk about it, and to see this king of the jungle and personifying it in every way, this gorgeous creature. How can somebody do that?”

I bet that after reading that statement, Eli Roth wondered what would Betty White do to that man if they were locked in a room together. And then Eli Roth took his ass to a movie studio to pitch Hostel: Part IV – Betty White v. Trophy Hunters.

Pic: Morris Animal Foundation

Dear Iggy Azalea, Now THIS Is How It’s Done

June 12, 2015 / Posted by:

By now, you’ve definitely joined the entire world in simultaneously screaming “What in the name of Spokane’s Most Wanted fuckery?” after learning about  Rachel Dolezal, the NAACP leader whose hating hater parents outed her as not black to the local news. On the left is a young Rachel looking like a Little House on the Prairie Jan Brady and on the right is a Bronzer-covered Rachel today giving you Jane Child meets Monica-back-from-Barbados.

As usual, I’m a day late and more than a dollar short with this story, so both Buzzfeed and The Daily Dot have all the details and more pictures. But basically, Rachel pulled some Sommersby shit. But instead of pretending to be the soldier husband of Jodie Foster, she allegedly pretended to be a part black woman with black kids and a black dad. 37-year-old Rachel is the president of Spokane, Washington’s NAACP chapter and her totally white parents claim that she’s been saying she’s part black for almost 10 years. Rachel’s parents told the news that she’s Czech, Swedish, German and possibly a little Native American. They gave the media a copy of her birth certificate and old pictures of her as proof. Rachel claims she’s mixed with white, black and Native American. Rachel’s mom and dad haven’t had contact with her in years, because they claim she doesn’t want to be seen with their white asses out in public. Rachel’s parents didn’t stop there. They went all the way and said that her claim that she was born in a teepee in Montana (I can’t) is a lie and that the dude she claims is her son is really her adopted brother. Before all of this came out, Rachel admitted in an interview that her “son” is actually her brother. She also continued to swear that she’s black and said she’d take a DNA test.

Rachel’s parents didn’t say why they decided to EXPOSE her like that to the media.

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Doogie Howser Takes You On A Drunken Journey From Margaritaville To Plasteredashellville

January 7, 2014 / Posted by:

When you’re a millionaire celebrity who’s vacationing in warm Mexico with your family and a bunch of hot friends, sometimes you get bored with sunning your nipples while lounging by the pool with your hot friends, so you entertain yourself by entertaining your hundreds of thousands of Instagram followers with a cute, staged pictorial about what happens when a ho who doesn’t have the booze tolerance of an Irish uncle downs the nectar of the Mexican Gods. Neil Patrick Harris did just that yesterday and he started the story off with that picture and this note:

Last day of our Mexico adventure. Let’s see just how many margaritas I can drink. Cheers!

It goes on from there and the rest is after the cut. It can also double as a visual interpretation of the fall of Lindsay Lohan’s career. If you’re currently trapped in one of the Snow Miser’s ice cold fart bubbles, keep a blowdryer handy, because you’ll want to unfreeze the frozen tears that form in your eyes as you look at NPH looking so fucking, unnaturally goddamn warm.  Continue reading

Millions Of Congressmen Are Crying

December 26, 2012 / Posted by:

Since President Obama has tapped John Kerry to be his Secretary Of State, there will be a vacant seat where a senator from Massachusetts used to sit. It was rumored that Ben Affleck was thinking of running for the spot, but he says there’s no truth to that shit.

According to the Huffington Post:

“I love Massachusetts and our political process, but I am not running for office,” he said. He vowed to continue his work with the Eastern Congo Initiative and with fighting hunger in the United States.

Allow me to translate. Ben knows that the people of Massachusetts remember Bennifer, and he had no chance of winning with that kind of poor ass decision making. WE’LL NEVER FORGET, BEN. Plus, Jennifer Garner told him no, spanked his ass, and sent him to his room.

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