Open Post: Hosted By Joey Lawrence’s Forever Immaculate Eyebrows

The premiere of American Crime Story: The People vs. O.J. Simpson happened in Los Angeles yesterday, and you’d think that the night belonged to the guinea pig in distress on top of John Travolta’s head, but it didn’t. John Travolta is usually the belle of every ball, but bitch lost in the game of beauty last night as soon as Joey Lawrence strolled onto the red carpet looking like he’s been plucked to the stars and back. I bet as soon as Joey’s Chia Pet Mr. Clean-looking ass hit that red carpet, John Travolta pulled off his own wig, said, “For fuck’s sake,” and immediately went home to drown his sorrows on a massage therapist’s crotch.

One of my favorite adonises probably had every ho at last night’s premiere checking their eyebrow situation in a compact. They shouldn’t have even bothered, because when it comes to the sport of eyebrow pruning, Joey Lawrence is the Oksana Baiul and everyone else is Nancy Kerrigan throwing hate at him on the sidelines. Not only do Joey’s impeccable brows look like the pubic landing strips of the angels in heaven, but that spray on hair is a work of art.

No, Joey wasn’t at the American Crime Story premiere because he plays Kato Kaelin in it (I wish). Joey was there because he has a much more important role in the show. During a scene where O.J. is crying in Kim Kartrashian’s bedroom, a poster of Joey Lawrence is on one of the walls. I know, who cares about Travolta, Cuba Gooding, Jr. and Sarah Paulson. Joey Lawrence should get top billing!

Pics: Wenn.com

How Not To Pronounce Saoirse Ronan’s Name By Dennis Quaid

Dennis Quaid must have been absent the day that Professor Ryan Gosling taught the class how to correctly pronounce Saoirse Ronan’s name. (I watched that lesson and my brain still wants to pronounce her name as Saw-Or-See.) Randy Quaid’s brother, Angela Bassett, Not Gina Rodriguez and Chloe Grace Moretz all got up at the hour of the ungodly this morning to announce the Golden Globe nominations. When it was Dennis’ turn at the podium, he had his own Dick Poop moment while dribbling out the nominations for Best Actress in a ~dramatic~ movie. By the way, “Dick Poop Moment” sounds like the sequel to Sinead O’Connor’s piece about “the difficult brown.” 

DQ must be a graduate of John Travolta’s School of Pronunciation, because when he got to Saoirse Ronan’s name, this came out of his mouth:

Sheesha Ronan! Dude hacked up Saoirse’s first name and he gave me the hungries while doing so. Because when you say “Sheesha Ronan” really fast, it sounds like you’re saying chicharrones.

Great, now thanks to Dennis Quaid’s sloppy mouth, I’m going to be hungry this entire awards season. Every time I see Saoirse Ronan, I’m going to picture her as a giant, delicious pork rind.

Pics: Splash

Bobbi Kristina Drags Angela Bassett For Not Casting Her As Whitney Houston In The Lifetime Biopic

Before Angela Bassett cast Yaya DaCosta from America’s Next Top JcPenney Model as Whitney Houston in the Lifetime biopic of Nippy’s life, Bobbi Kristina let it be known that she wants to play her mother. Entertainment Weekly talked to Angela, who is making her directorial debut with this mess, about the basic cable Nippy biopic and asked her if the thought of casting Bobbi Kris ever touched her brain. Bobbi Kris as Nippy was never an idea that popped into Angela’s thought cloud, because Lifetime is an emporium of artistic excellence and only allows the most-skilled and trained actors to perform in their movies. Angela told EW that Bobbi Kris just isn’t an actress.

No, I did not think about that. I did not think about casting her. And probably for a number of reasons, you know. One being that she’s not an actress. I know she’s acted here and there. I know she’s been on their family’s reality show, but she’s not an actress and acting is a craft. It’s an attempt to illuminate the complexities of human behavior and life. And this is a very fast-paced schedule; we have just 21 days to tell this story. It’s more than just saying lines and turning the light on. You have to drive the story—there’s a technical aspect.

Way to lay it on thick, Angela. It’s a damn Lifetime movie. You don’t need to have graduated from Juilliard and extensively trained with Sir Laurence Olivier at The National Theater to be in a Lifetime movie. Tori Spelling has been in several Lifetime movies and if Tori can do it, so can a wet packet of Silica Gel. In other words, ANYBODY and ANYTHING can be in a Lifetime movie. Lindsay Lohan wasn’t illuminating the complexities of human behavior and life when she was butchering Elizabeth Taylor’s image in that Liz & Dick crap. She was illuminating shit acting and that’s about it. “Acting is a craft” shit aside, Angela really told no lies and wasn’t even being mean. But Bobbi Kristina got mad at Angela and said that Angela was born with a dick.

The delusion in BK’s head could fill her gap toof a million times over. First of all, BK is setting herself up by saying she’s going to win an Oscar and a Grammy and she’s crazy for thinking she could play Whitney Houston. BK could probably play the title role in The Bobby Brown Story, but The Whitney Houston Story, no. BK should go back to fucking her adoptive brother and stop dragging Angela Bassett. In the words of Yaya, RESPEITO, BK. RESPEITO!

Casting Bobbi Kristina as Whitney Houston would’ve been ridiculous and a shameless stunt, which is why I’m surprised that Lifetime didn’t do it.

via Necole Bitchie

Yaya DaCosta From ANTM Will Play Whitney In Lifetime’s Whitney Houston Biopic

I’m sorry, you’ll need to give me a minute. I’m currently frantically searching for the bag of honey-lemon Ludens I keep near my desk for times that require some extra-soothing comfort, because my throat feels like sandpaper after screaming “NOOOOOOOO!!! DEBRA WILSON WAS ROBBED!!!” at the top of my lungs.

HuffPo has confirmed that the lead role in Angela Bassett’s Lifetime’s biopic of Whitney Huston has gone to America’s Next Top Model Cycle 3 runner-up Yaya DaCosta. Ever since Tyra Banks deemed her unfit to smize in a JCPenney flyer (or whatever they used to compete for), Yaya began acting and has had a variety of television and movie roles, including All My Children, Ugly Betty, Tron: Legacy, and Lee Daniels’ The Butler, as the girlfriend who gives Oprah a face full of side-eye.

I know this Whitney biopic will be messier than Bobbi Kristina’s relationship situation, and you need a messy bitch to play Whitney right, but at least Angela Bassett put her foot down and refused to uphold the Lifetime tradition of casting actual messes.

Pic: Splash

Angela Bassett Is Directing A Whitney Houston Biopic For Lifetime

Can somebody please point me toward the direction of the nearest airbrush t-shirt mall store, because I need that picture on a t-shirt.

The masterpiece maker who brought us such classic television jewels like the Liz & Dick biopic, the Anna Nicole biopic, the Donatella Versace biopic and the June Carter Cash biopic will air a Whitney Houston biopic next year. I was hoping that Lifetime’s next biopic would be about the life of the Rhubarb Lady, but I’ll settle for a Nippy movie.

Deadline says that Angela Bassett will make her directorial debut with Whitney Houston (they should call it The Doody Bubble Diaries instead) and knowing Lifetime, it will shoot in 3 and a half days, have a budget of $2 and star Sheree from Real Housewives of Atlanta. The biopic will mainly be about Nippy’s messy relationship with Bobby B, which makes me ask the question, “For why don’t they just buy the rights to Being Bobby Brown and air that instead?” Angela released this statement about the movie:

“I have such regard for both Whitney’s and Bobby’s amazing talents and accomplishments; and I feel a responsibility in the telling of their story. Their humanity and bond fascinates us all. I’m beyond excited to have this opportunity to go behind the camera and into their world.”

No casting has been announced, but there’s only one woman who can and should play Nippy. I’m talking about DEBRA WILSON! Shit, Debra Wilson should also play Dionne Warwick, Cissy Houston and Baby Bobbi Kris. Debra Wilson can do it all!

Laura Jeanne Poon Is Magic

Screw the editors of Gravity, American Hustle and that Captain Phillips shit! The biggest achievement in editing for this year and last year and all years goes to who ever edited the Independent Spirit Awards last night. AMERICAN CITIZEN Laura Jeanne Poon, who looks like she’s got an AMERICAN CITIZEN FETUS lying in her AMERICAN CITIZEN UTERUS, was presenting the award for Best Screenplay with the Texas T-Rex at the Independent Spirit Awards yesterday and after the winner was announced they cut to hos clapping in the audience and one of those clappity clapping hos was Laura Jeanne Poon. How did she do it!? Laura Jeanne Poon is a witch! Laura Jeanne Poon is a teleporter! Laura Jeanne Poon has a twin! Laura Jeanne Poon has road runner legs and can get from the stage to her seat in seconds!

But really, who can we trust if we can’t trust the director and editors of award shows to give us authentic and real clips of celeb whores clapping? We should question all celebrity clapping cutaways. We should question everything. And on a different note, Anne Hathaway is probably hating on Laura Jeanne Poon hard right now, because it’s her wet dream of all wet dreams to watch herself in the audience clapping for herself on stage.

And here’s pictures of a bunch of tricks who showed up to the Spirit awards yesterday. Come for The Hammaconda (“I have already, a few times today, actually”–  you) and stay for John Waters.

Pics: Wenn.com