Joey Lawrence Had To File For Bankruptucy

All together: “Whoa!”

90s television mainstay and burgeoning celebrity eyebrow icon Joey Lawrence is broke. UsWeekly reports that Blossom’s middle brother and his wife Chandie Lawrence had resorted to selling clothes before filing for bankruptcy in July of last year. Couldn’t Mayam Bialik have floated him a few of her hats from back in the day to sell to the superfans to stay afloat?  Continue reading

Open Post: Hosted By Joey Lawrence’s Forever Immaculate Eyebrows

The premiere of American Crime Story: The People vs. O.J. Simpson happened in Los Angeles yesterday, and you’d think that the night belonged to the guinea pig in distress on top of John Travolta’s head, but it didn’t. John Travolta is usually the belle of every ball, but bitch lost in the game of beauty last night as soon as Joey Lawrence strolled onto the red carpet looking like he’s been plucked to the stars and back. I bet as soon as Joey’s Chia Pet Mr. Clean-looking ass hit that red carpet, John Travolta pulled off his own wig, said, “For fuck’s sake,” and immediately went home to drown his sorrows on a massage therapist’s crotch.

One of my favorite adonises probably had every ho at last night’s premiere checking their eyebrow situation in a compact. They shouldn’t have even bothered, because when it comes to the sport of eyebrow pruning, Joey Lawrence is the Oksana Baiul and everyone else is Nancy Kerrigan throwing hate at him on the sidelines. Not only do Joey’s impeccable brows look like the pubic landing strips of the angels in heaven, but that spray on hair is a work of art.

No, Joey wasn’t at the American Crime Story premiere because he plays Kato Kaelin in it (I wish). Joey was there because he has a much more important role in the show. During a scene where O.J. is crying in Kim Kartrashian’s bedroom, a poster of Joey Lawrence is on one of the walls. I know, who cares about Travolta, Cuba Gooding, Jr. and Sarah Paulson. Joey Lawrence should get top billing!

Pics: Wenn.com

Six LeMeure Just Got The Vapors

As Dr. Blossom protected her nipple knobs with rubber teeth guards to breastfeed her 3-year-old, her Blossom co-star Joey Lawrence flashed his freshly waxed, tinted and made up man nipples for a crowd of screaming hos at the Rio’s Chippendales show in Las Vegas last night. As much as I get the lukewarm tingles from watching a hot piece from the 90s flex all 30,000 muscles in his body on stage at a strip show, I want to see the footage from the dressing room. That’s where the real show was at. Can you imagine what it takes for Joey Lawrence to look like a pristine as fuck Yul Brynner wax figure? I can!

Joey’s team slathers him in wax from the neck down before wrapping him in wax strips like a gay mummy. Then they rip all the strips off at once and Joey screams “WOAH!” so hard that his stray brow hairs shoot off of his face. Joey’s glam team each holds up a card with a score of 10 on it, because that’s how much of an eyebrow game champion he is. As John Travolta’s wig master prunes the brown rug on Joey’s head until it looks like a curb of hair, his team sloppily paints discount self tanner on his body with old paint rollers. To finish him off, they shove blue gummy worms under the skin of his biceps to make it look like he’s got some serious manly man veins. And that’s how Joey Lawrence is transformed into Raven’s not-as-hot twin!

Pull Joey Lawrence’s Wax Figure Out Of The Sun! It’s Melting!

If you molded a Raven from RuPaul’s Drag Race statue out of Kellan Lutz’s hard ripped shits (yes, even his shits have a six-pack on them), Madge’s escapee arm veins and Jodie Marsh’s old face, then covered it with whatever you cover a Barbie with, threw a chestnut-colored FLOR tile on its head and pinched its face until it looked like it was trying to push out a fart through its nipple holes, you’d have Joey Lawrence in a completely natural and not-at-all staged glamour shoot in the middle of a West Hollywood park the other day.

If you unplugged those plugs and dropped a miniature beret on top of his head, he’d be the white Blaine Edwards! Three snaps toward a bottle of Pepto-B, because Joey looks like he has the runs and is trying to hold in a butt plug at the same time (the butt plug is winning). LOVED-ED IT!

Hair plug maintenance, weekly body fur removal and anus tinting don’t pay for themselves, so flex your way to that money, bitch. Let the flames of jealousy shooting off of your haters’ eyes singe your stray brow hairs so they stay looking like they just stepped off of the face of a Disney evil queen. Twerk, werk, whoa!