Looking for a little before bedtime reading that’ll make your toe nails perspire? Well, The Smoking Gun dug up reports from Danielle Staub’s 1986 arrest which was briefly mentioned in the book Cop Without A Badge. You know, THE BOOK.

The report on TSG is longer than a Xerox machine manual, but it’s worth every second. For those of you with a serious case of ADD, here’s the gist of the report (it’s still long):

When Danielle was living in Miami in 1986, she worked as an escort (*cough*vagina vendor*cough*) and went by the name of Angela Minelli. One of Danielle’s johns was Daniel Claudio Aguilar. Daniel was a major coke dealer for the Colombian Cartel. In June of that year, Daniel sold two kilos of the bad shit for $48,000 to some dudes. Danielle’s neighbor, Carmen Centolella, brokered the deal. Before the deal became final, Daniel sent Danielle to Carmen’s apartment with one kilo of coke for testing. The dudes who were going to buy the shit turned on Danielle, stole the coke and ran off!

Daniel blamed Carmen, beat his ass and then held him for ransom. Danielle was in on the kidnapping and made several calls to Carmen’s father demanding $25,000 for his son’s life. Carmen’s daddy called the FBI. They traced the calls back to Daniel’s apartment where they found Danielle. They arrested her ass and confiscated $16,000 cash and six kilos of coke. They also busted Daniel.

In order to save herself, Danielle turned on Daniel and agreed to work with prosecutors. She pleaded guilty to one count of extortion. When Danielle got out of jail, she received several threatening phone calls from a lady who said shit like, “Your life is at an end, honey.” Danielle and the authorities both believe the threats were coming from Daniel’s people. Danielle’s apartment was also broken into several times.

During Daniel’s trial, his lawyers pained Danielle as a prostitute coke whore. Daniel was found guilty and sent to prison. He got out in 1994.

When Danielle came off of probation in 1988, a doctor asked the court to keep her in a rehab program due to her drug history and lifestyle.

ESCANDALO! Teresa was right all along! You know after reading this shit, Teresa’s Planet of the Apes hairline busted off forehead, crawled up to the nearest mountain top, pounded its chest and shouted “PROSTITUTION WHORE!!!!”

I would flip a table over this shit too, but I’d rather dance on top of one to celebrate Danielle/Beverly/Angela. Bitch knows how to live!

I just hope they turn this into a Cinemax (Lifetime won’t do it justice) movie starring Pete Burns as Danielle.

VIA Gawker

Here’s three official pictures of Johnny Depp (as the Mad Hatter), Helena Bonham Carter (as the Queen of Hearts) and Anne Hathaway (as the White Queen) from Tim Burton’s Alice in Wonderland. All three of these pictures can easily get prime real estate at the Museum of Exquisite Eyebrow Art. My own eyebrows are bowing down.

It looks like the picture that leaked last year of Johnny as the Mad Hatter was pretty much spot on. Johnny still looks like the acid baby of Elijah Wood and Carrot Top. And in this picture, you can clearly see that Tim Burton took weave brows to a whole new level! Johnny’s flame brows are taking me higher! If Andy Rooney didn’t get his bush brows trimmed by his barber every week, they would look just like this.

What is Helena Bonham Carter’s chola name, because homegirl looks like she has razors in her hair and hickeys underneath her collar. Baby Heart Girl? La Rojo Whisper?

Say goodbye to Pizza Hut and hello to The Hut. Actually, let’s all say fuck off to The Hut. This is not a change I can co-sign on.

Pizza Hut has announced that they are slowly re-branding themselves as The Hut. Sales have been in the caca box, so they are hoping this will get whores back into their restaurants. Specifically, young whores.

One of Pizza Hut’s HBICs told Brand Week (via idsgn), “There’s a big trend in general around having confidence in the foods that you eat. People over the age of 35, whose frequency with pizza is declining, said one of the big things that would reignite their passion with the category is to have a pizza made with multigrain crust and an all natural tomato sauce. And yes, we’re also introducing another vocabulary word with Pizza Hut, which is ‘The Hut.’ That ties in nicely with (today’s) texting generation. We wanted to make sure that Pizza Hut and ‘The Hut’ become common vernacular for our brand.”

The Hut only makes me think about a giant blob of wet caca with a gaping mouth that eats anything who gets in its path. No, I’m not talking about Tommy Girl’s asshole. Seriously, who wants to eat anything that comes out of Jabba the Hutt?

I can understand Pizza Hut wanting to appeal to a different audience, but calling themselves The Hut is not the answer. What they need to do is sexify their image a bit. Put on some lucite heels and strut. They should start going by Pizza Slut. They can even bring back their old slogan: “Gather ’round the good stuff.” If they hired the “delivery dicks” from (NSFW, duh) BigSausagePizza.com, I would order from Pizza Slut every single day for the rest of my butt’s life.

Since the subject is greasiness, here’s Brit Brit leaving London. I hope she’s just as upset about this news as I am and records a PSA or something.

When Miriam Sakewitz watches Peter Cottontail or Who Framed Roger Rabbit?, bitch probably creams her chonies non-stop (it’s like creamed carrots), because she is crazy for bunnies. Bonkers 4 bunnies. You could call her a bunnyhead or a bunny-holic. If there’s a bunny around, she wants to get her portly paws on it!

The 47-year-old, who was nicknamed “Bunny Lady” by the locals in Portland, Oregon, was arrested on Tuesday at a hotel after a maid found dozens of bunny rabbits hopping around in her room. This was a direct violation of Miriam’s probation, because in 2006 a judge ordered her loontardian ass to stay at least 100 yards from any bunny rabbit. Why do I picture Bugs Bunny winking at her from 100 yards and trying to lure her over with his fluffy tail?

In 2006, police discovered 250 bunnies inside Miriam’s home and 100 dead bunnies in her freezer. Bitch’s house was like the inside of Richard Gere’s ass (he has since upgraded from gerbils)!

The bunnies were taken from her, but you can’t keep a crazy bunny hoarder down for long, because she broke into the facility where they were being stored and stole them back. She was arrested and a judge put on her probation for 5 years.

In 2007, Miriam struck again! Her probation officer got a vewwwwy vewwwwwy strange feeling that Miriam was shacking up with bunnies again. A bunny wasn’t found in her house, but the officer did find a 10-pound bag of carrots. Miriam was sentenced to 3 days in jail.

They need to just stick this ho in a cage filled with bunny butt nuggets and throw away the key, because precious bunnies don’t deserve this shit! All bunnies are sweet and lovely. Actually, not all. I had a pet bunny once who bit my fingers every time I tried to pet him. I didn’t mind it though, because he winked at me a lot and kept himself pretty by always making sure his eyes were perfectly lined with liquid liner.

And how long before we see this bunnyhead on Obsessed?

Source

Ryan Reynolds is on the cover of Entertainment Weekly and at first I thought the Photoshop wizards got carried away, but then I remember my no-no slobbering over his abs recently. So I googled it and got confirmation. Ryan’s abs really do look like they were hand-painted by Brooke Hogan’s airbrusher. How does hair grow on something that hard? I bet ScarJo has to put a pillow on his stomach whenever she rides him in reverse. If she doesn’t, his concrete abs could split her ass bone in two. Ow.

Ryan must do sit-ups non-stop. Even in his sleep. Some bitches sleepwalk, Ryan sleepcrunches.

Billy Joel and his third wife Katie Lee Joel have separated. This is good news for Billy since he can slap Fishsticks Paltrow in the teefs the next time she calls him “William.” He doesn’t have to hold back anymore.

Billy and Katie issued a statement to the NYDN and confirmed that their marriage is lying lifeless in the gutter, “After nearly five years of marriage, Billy and Katie have decided to separate. This decision is the result of much thought and consideration. Billy and Katie remain caring friends, with admiration and respect for each other.”

There were rumors a little while ago that Katie and Billy’s marriage had hit the skids, because she was out dry humping fashion designer Yigal Azrouel. Their spokeswhore denies that their split has anything to do with Yigal. Some source close to the two said Katie and Billy’s age difference fucked it up for them. He’s 60 and she’s 27. The source said, “They grew apart. She is very career-oriented. She loves going out. She loves the city. When Billy isn’t touring, he’d rather be on Long Island with his motorcycles and boats.”

You know what I think happened? Billy woke up one day and realized he’s not married to a real human being! Did you see Katie on the first season of Top Chef? My toilet seat has a more sparkling personality than Katie. I bet the inside of that bitch’s body looks like the game Operation. Plastic organs and shit!

If Billy wants to get out of paying alimony, he could probably argue that their marriage is invalid due to the fact that she’s an inanimate object. There’s not a court in this country who would disagree with him!