Jude Law’s nipples? PRESENT! Jude Law’s crotch bulge? PRESENT! Jude Law’s new arm tattoos? PRESENT! Jude Law’s hairline? Out sick…AGAIN.

Jude Law left a theater in London (where’s he performing Hamlet) last night wearing something that he fished out of Adrien Brody or Michael Lohan’s closet. At least you know what to get Jude for Xmas now: a gift certificate to International Male.

Methinks Jude was hoping his nipples would be the star of these pictures, but I can only give them second billing. Top billing goes to that hot bitch in the brown sweater/coat thing who could give a (NSFW) walrus’ dick about Jude Law. If Jude Law’s nipples started whistling “There’s a Place in France” which made his crotch snake come out of hiding, she still wouldn’t be impressed. I love her. There has to be a grouchy bitch in every crowd or else the crowd cannot exist.

Kunty Karl has temporarily put Heidi Klum in the corner and is sinking his bony claws into Audrey Tautou. This is kind of funny since Audrey plays Coco Chanel in a biopic and also replaced Nicole Kidman as the new face of Chanel No. 5. Kunty Karl had no say in this, because he only deeeeeesigns ze clothes! The reason why Kunty Karl is now sticking pins into an Audrey voodoo doll is because she kind of said she doesn’t wear Chanel every second of every day. BLASPHEMY!

WWD says that when a reporter asked Audrey if she wears the House of Chanel often, she answered, “Sometimes. This morning, I wore the rain boots.” This made Karl slap Audrey with his translucent pony tail (which I think is made from Casper’s pubic hair) . His response to her comment was, “I didn’t even know we made rain boots. After that, I don’t have to be nice.” Karl went on to snip that if it was up to him, Penelope Cruz would be the face of Chanel and not Audrey.

Karl sure is funny for a corpse. I bet he’s a comedy star on the graveyard circuit. You know, it’s hard for me to hate Karl. First of all, he strokes his inner cunt ever chance he gets. Second of all, he reminds me of my grandmother’s elderly poodle who smelled like nut grease and always had a dozen dingle berries hanging around its asshole area at all times. This damn poodle would bite at any bitch who dare care near my grandmother. We would tease its mean ass all the time and then just laugh laugh laugh! That’s who Karl reminds me of. The Kunt is harmless. Audrey should just wave a chicken bone at his face and then laugh when he tries to bite it.

Does RiRi realize that there’s a starfish sucking on her tit? – Hollywood Tuna

Kara DioShutTheHellUp got married. I hope her new husband owns a pair of really thick ear plugs – Just Jared

A bunch of fresh tampons and maxi-pads – Lainey Gossip

Lady GagMe with one of her caca knobs out. And that 4th grade solar system craft project on her head gets an F- – Egotastic!

Janice Dickinson’s crotch. Happy Monday! (site NSFW) – Drunken Stepfather

Holly Madison is using all her energy to suck in her stomach when she really should be focusing on fixing those wonky ass eyebrows – Hollywood Rag

David Beckham knows how to wear a pair of white panties – Popsugar

Alaska has their own KFed – Towleroad

If I check Google Earth every second, will I catch Johnny Depp running nekkid on his private island? – Cityrag

Megan Fox knows how to sell a movie – Popoholic

Adrian Grenier is topless. Don’t worry, your chonies will stay dry – Popbytes

Win a date with Aaron Carter! Does he provide the meth or do you have to? – ONTD

Apparently, Goldie Hawn thinks that her daughter Kate Hudson needs to stop bouncing on A-Rod’s veiny roid stick. Goldie also thinks that Kate needs to stick some Fen Phen pills up her cooze, so it won’t be as hongray for dick! Kate is not listening to her mother. She is obviously still busting vagina bombs all over A-Roid’s dude tittays.

At a Yankees game on Friday night, Kate was front row cheering on A-Roid as he hit his 564th home run.

I’m actually a little surprised that these two twats are still together. Maybe it really true true love? Hah. And HAH. I’m also a little surprised that I’ve never really noticed that Kate looks like the bastard love child of Brit Brit and Dopey.

There’s a reasonable explanation for this right here. Maybe he fell into a gay hole? Or maybe Adrien Dreambrody’s sexiness is just so scalding hot that his t-shirt melted. No. Methinks Adrien just wanted to show off his succulent chesticle whiskers in the gayest way possible.

Even though he looks like he’s about to star in a gay porn version of La Cage Aux Folles called La Cock Ass Folles, my glitter hole approves of this outfit. Anything that shows off Adrien’s scrumptious man cleavage is fine by me….BUT DAMN! Kirstie Alley’s big girl drawers should not be worn as an accessory.

That being said, I’d still let him do the dick slappity dance on my nalgas……while wearing this outfit. That’s serious love.

Here’s Hunkleberry Fine (GONG!) at a Huge Boss party in Berlin last night.

And this time a double-sided dildo was not involved!

You know, I’m not usually afraid of heights, but this video and the pictures from today’s opening of “The Ledge” on top of the Sears Tower in Chicago practically made my knee caps crack themselves.

The all-glass balconies are suspended 1,353 in the air on the 103rd floor. One ho said, “It’s like walking on ice.” No, it’s like walking to your death. It’s only for kids, because they don’t realize that it’s real life.

I feel sorry for the janitors, because think of all the pee pee, caca, vomit and internal organs they will have to clean up.