According to Congressman Steve Buyer of Indiana, smoking lettuce is just like smoking cigarettes. Why do I picture a strung out bunny and a whorey guinea pig sharing a lettuce joint in a back alley?

Good ole’ Steve’s theory got me thinking about smoking lettuce, so I decided to do some extensive research (aka a ten-second Google search) on the subject. I found this about iceberg lettuce:

When cut, the stems of lettuce plants ooze a milky juice whose appearance, taste, and smell are said to be similar to opium. Once dried, the substance is called lactucarium, or lettuce opium. Used by the ancient Egyptians, the stuff was listed in the Pharmacopeia of the United States of America as late as 1916. It can still be found in herbals and such, which describe it as a sedative and cough suppressant. Lettuce opium can be found in all lettuce species but is most commonly extracted from wild lettuce, Lactuca virosa.

Grab my salad spinner, we’re going lettuce huntin’! Do you think you can flavor your lettuce joints with different kinds of dressing?

Don’t be surprised if you see me on an episode of Intervention muttering to myself “fix fix gotta get my – lettuce – fix fix” while trolling the produce section of a grocery store.

And here’s some pictures of Amy Wino in St. Lucia yesterday, because I’m sure she tries to smoke every single thing she comes in contact with.

Stephen Baldwin is currently shitting in a hole in the ground and sleeping outside on I’m Not A Celebrity…. Why Are People Paying Attention To Me?!. When Stephen gets back to the US, he may once again find himself shitting in a hole in the ground and sleeping outside. That’s because bitch is losing his house.

The Associated Press says that on June 24, Stephen’s house in Rockland County, NY will be auctioned off to the highest bidder. Stephen and his wife Kennya owe around $824,000 in payments. They paid $515,000 for the property back in 1997 and tried to see that mess for $3.4 million in 2006, but failed. Bitch should have called Lisa LaPorta from Designed to Sell. That crafty midget would’ve made it happen!

I’m sure this has NOTHING to do with Stephen baptizing Spencer TWATT’s dark-sided ass on TV, right? Cut to God with a guilty look on his face.

Yesterday, I applauded Heather Graham for wearing a “one dolla to make you holla” dress to the Dublin premiere of The Hangover. At today’s London premiere of the movie, Heather stayed with the whole sex-worker theme by wearing this stripper floor gown. A professional snatch shaker would usually wear a luxurious gown like this when she’s begging tricks for lap dances. Heather’s booby boners added an extra touch of class to this already elegant ensemble. Speaking of Heather’s nipples…

Is it just me or do they roll around her breasts? In one picture, her nipple is chilling out on the east side of her breast. In another, it’s back in the center. It would actually be kind of fun if you had nipples that moved around like that. When you’re really bored, you could lay on your bed and try to roll your nipple into the correct spot. It would be like having your own personal labyrinth game on your chest!

Never before has a fugshot caused my brain to almost malfunction because of the dozens of images flying at me. I saw DEATH, an anorexic Penguin, an overcooked Gollum, Mr. Burns in need of a haircut and a methed-up Riff Raff.

Who knew that Phil Spector was hiding a mullet and some broke down plugs underneath his wig.

This mug shot is trying to lure me into the back of a van by promising me endless supplies of candy. I am not taking the candy. NO.

Send your dry cleaning bill to The Smoking Gun for providing this portrait of fugness.

My eyes haven’t gotten an erection for Jude Law in a long ass time, so it was a pleasant surprise to feel them perk up while looking at these pictures of him in London last night. Jude is playing Hamlet, but in this version the Danish prince has a puzzle piece hairline. Speaking of, I’m beginning to accept that shit. Now, I’m not going to start a Facebook fan page for his “Lombard Street” hairline anytime soon, but I’d still run my ass all over it.

Purdy Zac Efron showed up to the premiere of The Hangover in Hollywood looking like he was suffering from one. Zac wants us to think he that just rolled off of his satin Barbie bedspread, but you know he spent hours perfecting his pucker and coif in front of his Illumina lighted makeup mirror. Preciousness like this takes time!

Your insides may be screaming “Cut yo hair! You look like Carol Brady!,” but calm yourself. Zac Efron is HIS HAIR. It’s all of him!!! If you cut it, he would melt down into a puddle of lukewarm bronzer and L.A. Looks mousse.

If his mop was butchered, it wouldn’t be the same when he flirtatiously flips it while laughing at one of Leonardo DiCaprio’s jokes. And his hair wouldn’t blow in the wind like Christie Brinkley in National Lampoon’s Vacation when he’s speeding down the highway. Don’t take that away from him!

And I feel like it’s high time Salon Selectives remakes this commercial starring Zac Efron.

And now you will join me by having this song stuck in your brains for the rest of the week. Saaaaaalon glo-oh!