Nooooooooooo! Talk Sex with Sue Johanson will end its run at midnight this Sunday on Oxygen. This is also when I’ll be ending my life. Couldn’t they give a bitch some kind of notice?! This has been sprung on us out of nowhere.

Sue started giving practical sex advice in 1984 on a Canadian radio station. The TV call-in show started on Oxygen six seasons ago. The show ending has nothing to do with its rating. This season delivered their best ratings ever.

77-year-old Sue said, “It’s been part of my life and I just love it. I’m going to miss writing scripts. I’m going to miss having to read books. I’m going to miss playing with sex toys.”

“I have been on television for 32 years. I think it’s time. I figured if we haven’t got it by now, we’re not going to get it. We’ve got to make room for somebody else.”

Sue isn’t retiring. She will continue to give lectures. The show will still be available on Oxygen’s website on demand.

Sue can’t do this to us! Sue has taught me so much about sex and sex toys. I feel like she’s my second abuelita. Oxygen better not even think of replacing this ho! She’s irreplaceable. Well, unless they replace her with Bea Arthur, but only Bea! She knows nothing about sex, but it would be hot to hear her talking about “lubricating the vagina” and “feces on the penis.”

Below is a clip of Sue explaining to a pregnant woman named “Britney” that it’s not possible for the penis to hit an unborn baby’s head during sex. Yes, her name is BRITNEY.

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Jack Jordan has been convicted of stalking Uma Thurman by a jury in NYC. Jack has been harassing Uma for the past 3 years. He has shown up to her house and movies sets. He’s also sent her strange cards and letters. Uma’s parents testified that Jack called them up in tearful, suicidal rants about their daughter.

Jack once sent Uma a drawing of an open grave, a headstone and a man standing on the edge of a razor blade. A spiral of random words referred to “chocolate, mouth, soft, kissing” and declared, “My hands should be on your body at all times.” Hey, doesn’t Hallmark carry that one?

He faces up to a year and 90 days in jail.

Jack’s attorney said that he “fell in love” with Uma while watching a scene in “Kill Bill.” He said, “He’s trying to get to the woman he loves — although it’s an obsession — in the hope that she will love him back. Jack Jordan is not charged with obsession. Obsession is not a crime.”

Any man that carries a hiking backpack regularly cannot be trusted! Actually, he’s sort of hot…..I’ll stop!

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Xochitl Parra – 17-year-old Xochitl gave birth to a baby in her shower at home. After giving birth, she walked four blocks with the baby still attached by its umbilical cord. Get this shit. Her parents didn’t even know what she was pregnant! Xochitl didn’t call 911, because their phone was disconnected. Nobody else was home at the time.

Her 8-pound, 3-ounce son, Alejandro, is doing fine. Her mother has accepted the situation and will help her daughter raise Alejandro.

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For some reason I watched the Kentucky Derby today and watched as Filly Eight Belles finished second behind Big Brown. Eight Belles collapsed moments later with two broken front ankles. An ambulance reached the track and euthanized her on the spot.

The on-call vet told the AP, “There was no possible way to save her. She broke both front ankles. That’s a bad injury.” Sadness.

R.I.P. Eight Belles

When James Brown passed away, his woman was locked out of his mansion and left crying at the gates! Remember that hot bitch? Well, Tomi Rae Hynie has had the last laugh! Wait, I can’t help but not giggle like a teen girl after her first bong hit whenever I hear the word “Hynie.” It’s like hiney. I’m not drunk, I swear.

An attorney has confirmed that James Brown is indeed the father of her 6-year-old son, James Brown II. Peter Shahid, little James’ attorney, told the AP that the boy was tested in April.

A judge in South Carolina ordered the DNA test after the trustees of James’ estate suggested Tomi wasn’t legally married to James and that her son isn’t his. Tomi and little James Brown were not mentioned in his will.

The results of the court-ordered test have not been released.

Quick! The Insider needs to run over to Hynie’s shanty house and get her comment STAT! The woman knows how to give an interview. Need I remind you:

And here are some pics of Hynie with little James at the Grammys this past February.

Barbara Walters had an affair with a married Senator in the 70s. That common skank! Barbara opened up to Oprah in an episode that airs this Tuesday about her relationship with Senator Edward Brooke, the first black person to be elected to the Senate by popular vote.

Babs said the affair went on for several years. She said they both knew that it would ruin their careers if the public found out. Babs said she didn’t know if she was in love with him at the time, but she knows she was “infatuated” with him. She went on to tell O, “He was exciting. He was brilliant. It was exciting times in Washington.”

The affair ended in 1978. Edward Brooke later divorced his wife, but never remarried. The Associated Press tried to contact him for comment, but their calls were not returned.

Wouldn’t that have been sooo hot if Babs told Oprah, “Oprah, we had a secret love child too. A daughter. We named her Opra-“ Oh wait, this was the 70s? Oprah’s too old then. FUCK! There goes my scandal.

Babs is a slut and I’ve always known it! You know, I need proof of this or it didn’t happen. Show us a sex tape, Babs! Oh shit. What did I just say?