Without paying a visit to Google, I don’t even remember what Lil’ Kim’s original face looked like before she got nip, tucked and stuffed by a team of plastic surgeons. But now she looks like a CGI Chipette based on Kim Kardashian and La Toya Jackson. Hell, based on all the Jacksons.

You know, it must be hard being Lil’ Kim. If you don’t have a bunch of brats throwing walnuts at you and begging you to do the “Single Ladies” dance, you’ve got Joe Jackson bothering you for a cut of your profits. Not to mention that every time Kim smiles, it sticks that way until one of her assistants melts it back down with a hot blowdryer. Hard indeed.

Here’s Lil’ Kim Kardashian Jackson on the set of a new commercial for Three Olives Vodka.

The 3rd Brightest But Hard “Gal” To See – For copyright and other reasons, most TV shows and movies don’t use real newspapers or magazines, so they use a fake prop paper. And apparently, they all use the same exact one, which stars the same exact woman.

That prop newspaper and the 3rd Brightest Gal are the busiest bitches in the game, and they don’t even have to suck a dick on the casting couch or audition to get the role. Hell, the 3rd Brightest Gal doesn’t even have to roll out of bed. You know the hongray actors who would give up their kids’ kidneys for screen time hate that bitch. And she knows it too. Look at her smiling at them like, “Stay mad!” And she doesn’t even age, so they really hate her.

Below is the prop newspaper and the 3rd Brightest Gal throughout the years as compiled by a genius Picasa user. They have starred in everything from Married with Children to Desperate Housewives to Dallas to That 70s Show. They even worked with Ed O’Neill twice! They are probably godparents to his children.

Click here to see more of the 3rd Brightest Gal. And the Emmy goes to….

via Gawker & Boing Boing

Why bother wasting your hard-earned coins by dropping them into a toll booth when you can just say a prayer, step on the gas and General Lee over that bitch like 22-year-old Yasmine Villasana did at the Dallas-Fort Worth Airport last Tuesday. You know that while she was soaring in the air, she took a swig from a flask, lit a cigarette and winked at the camera while Smokey and the Bandit “YEEEE-HAWED” from the sidelines.

MyFoxDFW says that Yasmine’s Impala flew over one car before crashing into the ground and catching on fire. Witnesses say that Yasmine tried to get back into the car while it was burning up. That crazy bitch probably wanted to do it again. Bitch’s got an itch for the thrill now.

Surprisingly, Yasmine only broke her wrist during the crash and nobody else was hurt. Yasmine told police she only drank one cranberry and vodka the night before. Yasmine also continued to roll out the hilarious lies when she claimed that someone rear-ended her. I believe her. The spirit of KITT tossed her over that toll.

Yasmine was charged with DUI. But did she pay the toll? Exactly.

Famewhore Rehab was supposed to start shooting today with Tila Tequila and Jason Wahler (don’t even wake your Google for that bitch) , but TMZ says that production has been put on pause because Vh1 failed to get a big name in the door.

Apparently, they tried to woo Lindsay Lohan with $1 million and her own show, but even that wreck turned it down. LiLo would rather degrade herself in a straight to pay-per-view porn move than in a reality show. Thankyouverymuch.

Sources say that Tila and Jason were the only ones who signed on, so producers have pushed production back until they can get more fame fuckers and has-beens to agree to spill their shit out to Dr. Drew.

The main problem is that Tila Tequila is in that cast. Who in their right (or even cracked out) mind would move into a house with that shady goblin? AND a house that is free of booze and the bad shit? TORTURE! That’s not rehab, that’s a room in Hostel. Even the Surgeon General warns bitches that if you’re going to be in the presence of Tila Tequila, you better freebase something mind-altering before, during and after.

So Dr. Drew needs to drop Tila off under the bridge he found her, because he should be trying to get junkies to run away from the pipe. Not the other way around.

When Tila Tequila was announced as one of the wrecks on the next season of Celebrity Rehab, I figured she was going in just to feed her addiction to camera lenses and fakery. But Radar claims that Tila is addicted to Ambien. Specifically, Tila loves to crush up Ambien pills and snort that that shit up her lizard nostril.

The source close to Tila who is probably Tila herself told Radar, “She would base her entire day around it. She would wake up, snort Ambien, Google herself, do more, Twitter all day and then sleep.”

Tila wrote on her blog that she needs to clean up her mess for the sake of her gigantic media empire: “I KNOW I am an EXTREMELY smart girl, and to run all these empires when I am not even 30 yet, is quite an accomplishment, however I finally admitted to myself that I cannot rely on taking prescription pills everyday for the rest of my life! I MUST not be another ‘LINDSAY LOHAN’ where I just flush everything I worked so hard for down the toilet for nothing…”

Tila is in luck, because I’m pretty sure the toilet would spit that shit back out.

You know, Ambien ain’t shit. Ambien is doing all of us wrong, because it’s supposed to put those annoying bitches to sleep! Instead it’s keep them up and giving them a reason to act the fool. Tiger Woods can do all sorts of filthy Donkey Punch stuff and then blame it on Ambien. Tila can scoot her skid marks all over Twitter and then blame it on Ambien. Ambien needs to go an “Eat Pray Love” journey of self-discovery, so it can come back and do what it’s supposed to do: Knock those bitches out!

In San Antonio, Texas lives an emo teen wolfgang you can find hanging out in front of the mall where they play with their tails, sniff each other’s assholes, howl at the street lamps (their curfew ends before the moon comes out), growl at people walking by and hump their Jacob dolls. Teen werewolves are just like us, because that’s pretty much how I spend my Fridays night too.

My favorite part is the hot mom at the end who says she’s okay with her son being Hot Topic’s answer to Teen Wolf, but yet she stands like 100 feet away. Maybe she doesn’t want to get fleas.

You know, it’s probably a lot of fun being the mother to a teen woof. When he pisses her off, she can send him to sleep in the dog run on the side of the house. It’s not child abuse, because technically he’s part beast. And generic dog kibble and neck bones aren’t that expensive, so she can spend the extra money on white zins with corks instead of twist off caps. My mom probably wishes I was a teen werewolf instead of just a regular teen asshole.

via Buzzfeed