Since Lindsay Lohan wants to continue her streak of fucking things up, she has decided to not hire the dazzling legal showman that is Stuart V. Goldberg (aka the sole reason why rhinestones sparkle). Over the weekend, Mr. Goldberg flew into my life on a tanned Pegasus when it was reported that he was LiLo’s newest attorney. Well, TMZ farted on my dream bubble that holds an image of Mr. Goldberg waltzing with White Oprah in the court room by reporting that he is not LiLo’s main legal bitch after all. LiLo is going to give Robert Shapiro the job instead.

Sources close to Mr. Goldberg (*cough*Oompa Loompas*cough*) claim that LiLo simply couldn’t afford his services and he refused to work for free. Mr. Goldberg was probably highly offended when LiLo offered to pay him with boxes of that Sevin Nyne shit! How dare that dumb bitch LiLo assume that Mr. Goldberg covers his precious skin with fake tan diarrhea! That can’t be further from the truth. It’s obvious that Mr. Goldberg achieves that George Hamilton glow by directly smiling at a mirror. The sunshiney rays from his teeth ricochet off the mirror and softly caress his skin.

However, sources close to LiLo say that she didn’t go with Mr. Goldberg, because she thinks he’s just a little too “eccentric.” Yes, TOO ECCENTRIC! Can you believe that shit? Actually, I can believe it, because LiLo is a piece of garbage that not even Trash Heap would hump on. The same goes for White Oprah. Those two gutter hags wouldn’t know elegance and class if it was wrapped in slimy orange leather and topped with a dollop of whipped silver. They are just not culturally refined enough for Mr. Goldberg. So it’s back to Chicago for Mr. Goldberg! And back to chasing ambulances in his Lamborghini (I’m not making that up).

Oscar, the Klepto Kitty of the UK!

There’s a new pussy named Oscar making headlines all over the world (not really)! But this Oscar doesn’t have a Google ranking higher than Megan Fox because his paws have been replaced with bionic Barbie feet. No, this Oscar is a common cat burglar! And unlike some cats I know, Oscar isn’t bringing his owners rabbit heads or bird legs. Oscar has a thirst for chonies. That pervy puss!

Oscar’s owners, the Weismantels, tell The Mirror that his thievery has gotten so bad that they had to call the police to let them know that they aren’t the ones stealing panties, rubber gloves, socks (hmmm…sound familiar?) and toilet paper from their neighbors.

They said that in the past month Oscar has brought them around 70 items and the pussy won’t stop. They added, “He’s got a lovely personality. If anyone is missing any underwear it would be good to put their minds at rest that it’s only a cat pinching them and not someone more unpleasant.”

Am I the only one thinking that maybe just maybe Oscar is being set-up or working for someone else? Crusty chonies, rubber gloves, toilet paper…. Either Oscar is a kinky motherfucker or he’s secretly doing Gerard Butler’s dirty work.

via Fark (Happy Caturday!)

Dr. Drew is going to kidnap Jeremy London at gunpoint and drive him all the way to his clinic in Pasadena, CA (which is sort of like the “gang areas” of Palm Springs) to complete an entire season of “Celebrity” “Rehab“! Dr. Drew will soothe Jeremy’s nerves by telling him there will be plenty of trees for him to climb. Jeremy will join an all-star cast of A-listers including: The Empress of Lucite, Gummi Bear, Tila Tequila, and Jason Wahler (aka Shauna Sand and 3 names that even Google doesn’t recognize).

A source tells Radar that Jeremy will check into Celebrity Rehab early next week. Jeremy’s last visit to rehab was back in September of ’09 when he was treated for an addiction to prescription pills. Jeremy recently told People that despite being forced to smoke crack, he is totally sober (insert a trillion HAHAHAHAHAHs here). So I’m not sure what kind of addiction Jeremy will be treated for. Oh well, that never stopped Dr. Drew in the past, so they’ll figure it out along the way.

And let this serve as a tip to all the has-beens out there! There’s no need for you to stand outside of Michael Bay’s house while holding a “Will Wash Ferrari 4 Walk-On Role” sign. Simply call the police and give them some bullshit story about how you were kidnapped by a bunch of kidnapping crackhead makers. Before you know it, you’ll have your own TV show! So Mischa Barton, stop bothering your agent’s assistant and call 911 instead!

During the Germany vs. Someothercountry (don’t make me Google) at World Cup on Sunday, German manager Joachim Loew fingered his nose so good that it gave him a savory dingle for his tongue. The nose really is nature’s gum ball machine.

But you know what really gives me the dry heaves about this? The fact that he didn’t even squirt a little lemon on it before chewing. Or since he’s German, he could’ve shnitzeled that bitch before putting it in his mouth.

What kind of sucio ass barbarian eats a booger raw? Ich. Nast. At least save it to drop into your salmon vodka martini later.

via Deadspin

This is a new portrait of Lisa Bonet’s current fuck time partner Jason Momoa in the remake of Conan the Barbarian, which also stars Rose McGowan and Ron Perlman (aka the red wire and blue wire on a bomb).

You know, every time someone Googles “Jason Momoa shirtless” a satellite in space sends a jolt to my b-hole, so why am I not flicking my nipples to this picture of him? There he is, topless and flexing his BT (before Tweezers) brows, but not a tingle can be found on my body.

I know what it is. It’s that scraggly weave on his head made from the remnants in Brit Brit’s shower drain. That weave is cock blocking me! I realize that they didn’t have Sally Beauty Supplies back in the day to buy shampoo from, but damn! The grease is supposed to go over his nipples, not in his weave! Arnold knows what I’m talking about:

via Coming Soon

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