Category: This Is Our Future

Open Post: Hosted By Aglio Kim, The Robot Restaurant Server in South Korea

September 16, 2020 / Posted by:

Introducing Aglio Kim, the hot new A.I. server straight outta South Korea. Aglio Kim was developed by telecoms company KT Corp in an attempt to help ensure social distancing and minimize human contact during the pandemic. She’s currently being tested at Seoul’s “Mad for Garlic” Italian restaurant. The manager, Lee Young-ho, says “Customers found the robot serving quite unique and interesting, and also felt safe from the coronavirus.”

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No, This Is Not Kylie Jenner

August 11, 2015 / Posted by:

It’s Noah Cyrus! It feels like it was just yesterday when little Noah Cyrus was posing against a stripper pole with her friends at a club in Hollywood. Well, Noah is now 15 years old and has discovered weaves, Miley Cyrus’ closet, fake eyelashes and the chola beauty of bold lip liner.

Noah must have thought that Kylie Jenner’s 18th birthday party was also a Kylie Jenner kostume kontest, because this is what she wore to that shit. She really Kardashian’d it up for that party and I hope she kept some sage in her pocket to ward off Pimp Mama Kris who probably saw her looking like Kylie 2.0 and tried to adopt her. I was going to say that Billy Ray and living anime horse Tish Cyrus need to come and collect their child, but let’s be honest, they probably picked out that outfit.

Pics: Instagram, Twitter

Warning: Toxic Levels Of Douchery Ahead

March 10, 2014 / Posted by:

If Everlast found a way to turn Justin Bieber’s deposition video into a punching bag, they’d be the richest company on the planet and we’d all have broken knuckles and triceps the size of that little twat’s ego from punching that shit repeatedly. Because damn, the Biebs’ deposition video could be used as propaganda for the Abuelitas 4 Spanking League.

The runny bowel nugget that Canada shat onto the US was deposed last week in Miami for that lawsuit thrown at him by a paparazzo who was allegedly attack by his bodyguard and TMZ got a hold of the video. It’s smugness triple wrapped in arrogance and covered with several layers of thick, frothy dick cheese. The Biebs’ face contorts into an arrogant smirk at almost every question that the paparazzo’s lawyer asks him. The Biebs pretends he doesn’t know Usher’s government name, he asks if it’s a deposition or an interview, he calls the lawyer Katie Couric and his anus lips pop off when he’s asked about Selena Gomez. It’s the most hilarious thing this wet piece of tampon lint has ever done. He’s a spoiled, bratty, shit head toddler one minute and a know-it-all asshole dad the next. It’s one hundred percent pure douche and I think my asshole is cleaner from watching it. Kanye and King Joffrey both watched this and said at the same time, “Tone it down, bitch, tone it down.”

I’ll stop, because you really should just watch this mess for yourself. But before you hit play, Gorilla Glue your computer to your desk, because you will want to throw it against the wall before taking a sledgehammer to it.

Where was an abuelita with a chancleta when we all needed one most?! Every time that popped nipple pimple smirked, I thought to myself that if I did that in front of my abuelita, I wouldn’t be able to smirk again, because my face would be paralyzed from her slapping me with all her rings on. The next time the Vanilla Ice butt plug is deposed, the other side should bring an abuelita with them for ammunition. The abuelita wouldn’t even have to slap him. She’d raise a switch at him and he’d go running out of the room while screeching like a kid who was pepper sprayed in the face by a trans flower on the subway.

And the words, “I think I was detrimental to my own career,” will one day be etched into his career’s tombstone.

Beyonce Is Too Exhausted And Dehydrated To Perform Tonight

May 14, 2013 / Posted by:

The Bumblebeys (yes, I get pus-filled hives on my fingers every time I type that) of Antwerp, Belgium won’t be able to see their Queen of the Beyhive (there comes those hives again) make overexcited dog faces (see: the face above) in concert, because she has canceled tonight’s show and she might cancel tomorrow night’s show too. According to UsWeekly, Beyonce’s spokeswhore tells the AP that she’s come down with a serious case of the tireds and a serious case of the thirsties. Beyonce just needs to put on her restin’ wig and have a seat. (Yes, some of you have been telling her to have a seat for years and she’s finally answering your prayers.)

Beyonce is one month into her Mrs. Carter Show world tour and she has three more months to go. Beyonce’s rep says that doctors ordered her to lie down on a pile of freshly plucked swan feathers as her minions bring her hand-carved ice balls on a gold platter. I’m really supposed to beylieve that Beyonce’s doctors ordered her to rest? Beyonce probably went up to her doctors and said, “Hi, I’m Beyonce, write me a sick note now. I’m waiting, whore.”

Beyonce’s rep also said that Beyonce’s doctors will decide soon if she’s going to perform tomorrow night.

Usually when celebwhores use the “exhaustion” excuse, it means they’re cracked out on crack or they don’t want to tell people the real reason for why they’re canceling shit. So of course this is just giving more life to the rumor that she’s expecting another chosen one. If that’s the case, then I totally believe that Beyonce is tired and dehydrated. Because walking around with a pillow strapped to your belly is really tiring and just thinking about it makes me thirsty for a cold pop.

I Hit It First: The Video

April 29, 2013 / Posted by:

After watching Ray J’s trolltastic video for his musical love letter to Kanye West called “I Hit It First” and after looking at pictures from the Kartrashian’s big fat fame whore holiday in Greece, I don’t know who’s trashier and more desperate for attention?

Ray J makes a case for himself by making a video that is devoted to reminding all of us that his horse shoe dick made Kim Kartrashian the highest paid fame whore on the ho stroll. Ray J should’ve spent less of the video’s $500 budget on luxury car rentals and more on getting a better Kim klone, because that Kim look-alike is lacking. I mean, look at how the Kim klone moves around on that bed. The real Kim has never moved that much in her life. If the Kim klone really wanted to do an authentic Kim K impersonation, she should’ve laid lifeless on that bed like a garden slug that’s just been tasered. And really, nothing is more desperate than using a desperate Kartrashian for attention.

Then there’s the Kartrashian’s vacation in Greece. All of the Kartrashians (sans Kanye and Lamar) are currently terrorizing Mykonos while filming their shit show there. We should never forgive Mother Nature for this, because she had the chance to create a giant whirlpool to hell underneath the Kartrashians’ yacht and she didn’t do it.

All of these pictures are the definition of shameless from Kourtney Kartrashian thinking it’s okay to wear this outfit in public to Kim K acting like she knows how to operate a camera to Pimp Mama Kris openly dancing with the tortured creature she turned into a bumbling wax Chucky Doll.

And to answer my own question in the first paragraph, I don’t know.  I’m not going to try to answer that one. Instead, I’ll stare at this picture and try to figure out who’s winning the battle to the biggest, Kim’s bump or ass?

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